Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

This has hit me pretty hard. I think that's mostly because, yesterday, I thought it was over. The emotional and health rollercoaster was over. I could go back to being hyper-functional, the happy workaholic that I am. I even redesigned the Garou website completely. Dealt with Garou finances. Started planning out how I was going to deal with new players. Studying for my macro midterm. Actually doing school reading. I figured with the Moot out of the way, my body and mind on the mend, the Rachel thing sorting itself out pretty well. I thought I was in the clear.

And then I hear she's dead. I can't think straight. I talked to Patti. I'm worried about my brother. I haven't talked to him or Meg. I think Meggy's ok, Tristan probably too. They're probably talking it out, if they didn't already yesterday. But I didn't have it in me to phone my bro, and he was pretty upset when he first found out. Each of us had our tiny little moments with Rachel, some larger (ie Patti) than others. Each of us is clinging to those moments, remembering. All I can think is maybe I should have opened up to her, not remained distant. I hardly even talked to her. But she was in the community. Patti, Tristan, Meg, my brother, we all went to Sanctuary together. And we interacted with very few others. Rachel was one of the others. I mean, Patti's a social butterfly, so of course she knows everyone, but Rachel's one of the people who would wander about drunk with us after leaving the club.

I got a deferral on my midterm. That's good. First time ever. I felt really weird asking for it, still do. Feel guilty in some sense, like... I should have been able to go. I don't ask for help usually, I work through shit. I don't ask for breaks. Now I'm scared, because I'm not ready for the midterm but now I should be, because I'm getting more time. Fuck, now I'm just upset and rambling.

Going to put some food in me, have some alone time, maybe go to the park. It's a beautiful day.