Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

...but I won't be about for the next little while. I'll be entirely uncontactable unless you're helping me study until at least next Wednesday the 8th. At which point I will frantically try and get ready for Garou which is on Sunday (the day after Dom's party, I have a feeling I won't be partying that hearty). Also, I will be working on learning 325 well enough to ace it, which in on Friday the 17th. Concurrently with that, I'll be trying to catch up for 441. Weekend of the 17-19 is some family/friend get-togethers and finally the 441 final on the 21st.

Chances are you won't see me unless you are involved in one of the above until after the 21st :)

Posted by Kurrs at 4:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Yaiii, old man winter is busy, it has been cold as of late. Last few days it has definately been wintery. Need to remember to wear more layers. Brr.

Nobilis was amazing, so much hard work paid off. Especially from Tim, the scene set-up he figured out was absolutely fan-tas-tic.

I did not sleep well afterwards though, which sucked. I think I was still in high gear, even though I was really tired. Woke up a mininum of every two hours for 11 hours straight of tossing and turning. Hardly feels like I slept at all. I am soooo tired. Have a Food Coop meeting tonight, I'm going to crash at my parents' after school until then.

On that note, I'm not dropping anything. I will be victorious.

Posted by Kurrs at 2:24 PM | Permalink

I went drinking with my ECON class. Lots of fun. Newman is great, and the class is a great support group. Fusball and beer, politics and economics, 911 and the house of lords, ecology and the problem with higher education. I made it through the entire evening without bringing up morality and I didn't even have to try. Lots of fun topics anyways. Good times.

It may be the beer talking, but I think I'm going to stay in all my classes. One of my fellow students is absolutely ADAMENT that I not drop it. Says it'll be stupid beyond reconing. He says that I should be able to learn the stuff by the final and that he'll help me. He says that aiming for 83% isn't unreasonable and that there's no reason I shouldn't aim for 100%, if only to prove a point.

We'll see how I feel about it in the morning, but it certainly appeals to the fighter in me. I hated the feeling of being defeated, by something beneath me no less. This semester might be hard on my grades, but damnit, it would feel good not to fail or drop anything. I can feel the kickass of it all coursing through my veins. And that's not the alcohol (that's causing the blurred vision and light-headedness).

Posted by Kurrs at 1:21 AM | Permalink

Heh, while waiting in line for the arts advising, I saw this cute Goth chick. And I kept on thinking "Where do I know you from?" and I couldn't remember. I always feel bad when I can't remember a person yet think I should, but afterwards I at least figured out why I was having trouble placing her. To boot, it's the first time I could have honestly said to someone "Oh, sorry, I didn't recognise you with your clothes on." Ah, humour.

Posted by Kurrs at 2:11 PM | Permalink

Yarg, grr, snarl.

So, I've been up since 8am and so far all I've managed to do is talk to Whistler about 325. Fucking cow. So it's looking like she won't let me take 326 without taking 325, putting me in this really ugly double bind. Suddenly there's incentive to just try and finish this class despite the extreme difficulty and large chance of failure. Fucking bitch. Creating incentive schemes like that and being an economist. *spits*

Ok, with the venom out, I may have options. No wait, there's another one bubbling up:

Bitch, told you so, 495 and 499 don't have 325/326 as prerequisites, told you so. Fuck, I'd need to get 83% on the Final to get a 60% in the class. FFAAAAACCCCKKKK. I hate the fact that she's made me even considering doing this....

Alright, I think the venom's done. Anyways, options. I may have to take ECON 325 and 326 in the summer. Which blows goats. But, it's an option. Oh, I tried to see an advisor but I didn't arrive early enough. Looks like showing up at 8:30am or maybe even earlier is in order. Which is mildly ridiculous, considering that I arrived earlier than they open and they are now full for the day. Ah well.

More updates to come as I figure out what I'm doing.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:28 PM | Permalink

Ok, I think I know what I'm going to do.

ECON487 with Neary (Comparative Economic Systems) - I'm ok. I just need to do alot of reading and studying between now and the final. The mark is %100 final exam, so I still have a clean slate, that feels good. Scary, but in control.

ECON305 with Newmann (Maco Honours 1) - I'm ok. The first midterm's weight was added to the second's, which I did really poorly on (52% after scaling). However, Newmann understands what I was going through and will probably bump up my midterm mark (which is amazing, he's already bumped it up twice) if I do well on the final. I'm feeling more and more confidant that I can take the final the closer we get to it, which is the opposite of most of my classes. Grading is 50% on first midterm, 50% on the final. Scary, but in control.

ECON441 with Eshwaran (Progress of Economic Development) is more scary. Bombed the first midterm (although, in absolute terms, did better than I did on the 305 midterm, not that that's saying much... 55% after scaling), haven't done any of the assignments (and don't imagine I will), and am rather behind on the material (duh). Grading is 10% on assignments, 40% on midterm, 50% on final. Upside? The final isn't until the 21st (gods, I never thought I'd say that was a good thing). Means lots of time to catch up. Hopefully, I can do it. Scarier, not in control yet, but doable.

ECON325 with Whistler (Statistical Economics) is terrifying. Have failed both midterms (by how much? who knows, I've attended less than half the classes, haven't gotten either back) haven't done a single homework set or assignment. Faaaaack. Technically speaking, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to write the final. This course is both ugly and terribly embarrassing. Because, if I hadn't lost my mind for a good third of term, this should be my easiest (although most stupid busy-work) class I have. Man, it's really embarrassing... Grading is 10% on busy work (assignments and HW), 15% for both midterms (two of em), and a final exam worth 60%. Not sure what I'm going to do about this one.

So I'm going to head into arts academic advising tomorrow morning and do a drop in session. Talk to them about what my term has looked like, and ask about options. Then, head over to Whistler's office hours, talk to her, see what she has to say, then make a decision. Possible options:

1) Try and pass 325 anyways. 60% is alot for a final and I might pass. If Whistler thinks I can do it, this is what I might do.
2) Get a medical withdrawl from 325. I don't know if I can, or if this is an option, but if I qualify I may use this one.
3) Withdrawl from 325 (normally). This may hurt my GPA less than finishing. This option, like 1, will be strongly influenced by what Whistler thinks.

Options 2 and 3 mean I'll take 325 again in Winter 2005. I'll ask to take 326 even though I don't have 325 this year just to get it over with (it'll be hard but I should be fine).

Man, this year's been hard on me. Maybe that's why this happened, I was trying to do so many things: take care of Amanda, go to England, get into Honours, learn Calculus, and on and on. And I succeeded in school and travel but I sacrificed so much trying to do too much, and now those very things I worked so hard to get have been affected. My heart still aches when I think about me and Amanda, my body still aches when I think about what the oct-nov health-situation looked like. Falling in love with people I shouldn't have (don't ask, not talking about girlfriend), entering a social circle where there's a double suicide. So many bouts of overwhelming depression and illness, coupled with weird, fucked up things happening around me. If I hadn't been running myself so raw, pushing myself so hard, trying to do things I couldn't succeed in doing, being unable to prioritise, maybe those weird random events wouldn't have been so bad, wouldn't have hit me so hard. I don't mean to despair and be all gloom-and-doom, but looking really hard in the mirror and taking responsability for shit is something I've never been afraid of doing.

Taking my life back. Hopefully, now that I've got the reins again, I'll do something better with it this time round.

PS In other news, I got invited to Dominic's B-Day party. This makes me happy, but nervous. I do miss the dominator, but things are weird between me and that group these days. Lots of reasons, some easier to overcome than others. Ah whatever, remember who you love, right? I'm not even sure what that's meant to convey, but... it's good enough :)

Goodnight.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

"I'm supposed to be cuddling you but instead I'm cutting bacon."
-- Erin

"I'm trying to make my testing rigorous and demanding, that's why we're going drinking on Thursday, it's an important skill for being an economist."
-- Prof. Newmann

Posted by Kurrs at 7:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Strange thing happened to me last night. A table of women bought me a drink. Not, like, I was hanging out with a table that happened to be all women and I was bought a drink. No, it was in that weird way that occurs in movies. Here I am, hanging around, minding my own business, when a beer occurs courtesy of this table across the way. Very surreal. Art imitates life sorta thing.

Posted by Kurrs at 8:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

http://www.bromart.com/

Lots of pretty.

Posted by Kurrs at 6:19 PM | Permalink

"Let's make this moment be the symbol of our lives,
We'll pawn your dad's computer and we'll sail to paradise,
You're a girl or maybe a wagon filled up with pancakes"
-- Strong Bad

Posted by Kurrs at 5:10 PM | Permalink

More intelligent discussion has occured on my blog than on the bb for, heck, a really long time. Maybe I should just do my discussing here :P

Posted by Kurrs at 1:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I suppose it is hard to grow away from friends. Slowly but surely, seeing those things that once tied you together being stripped away. I never understood the "default friendship" that seems to exist in our society. I give you X years, you give me undying friendship. What if I don't like you or what you do? What if your actions offend me? What if I have trouble thinking of reasons that I should like you? What if I can think of more reasons I should dislike you than the opposite? But at the same time, it is hard to see these things fall away, even if they are without foundatioin. The structure, though weak and useless, was once beautiful and it is hard to see it go.

I am the recipient of contempt, but I have trouble seeing what I have done. So I run a world for an immersive theatre troupe and think the term "game" to be inappropriate. So I believe people should act consistently in their moral structure, making no distinction between the acts they pay people to do and the actions they do themselves. I think that is the full tally of my crimes.

I am so much more comfortable with moral superiority when I can understand WHY. Why are you worthy of placing me in contempt? What actions have I done that offend your sensibilities? When I denounce them, at least I can understand what I'm arguing with. I have changed my opinion many times, there is nothing sacred about it. Should evidence point towards a particular course of action, then it should be taken. Ideology is the adherence to a particular belief structure despite evidence to the contrary.

I feel unhappy.

Posted by Kurrs at 2:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Yeah, I do.

Well, not completely. It certainly has some redeeming qualities. Any place that is full of flame-oriented condescendingly intelligent people will create some awesome discussions, even if you do have to sort through the piss and shit to get to the points raised.

But for the most part, the people that post are, for the majority, moral vacuums with a penchant for acting holier-than-thou for reasons I can't quite fathom. Most of them have little in the way that I'd define as an ethical system (or at least nothing with any sense of rigour) yet are so completely convinced of their "right-ness". I mean, I wish I could at least understand what they were "right" about. I might feel a bit better about the whole thing.

But instead, it seems like thinly veiled contempt for anyone not in their little "circle". Just a slightly more well articulated form of the shit that we all complained about in others in high school.

Wow, let's just give ourselves a hand. We created a new exclusive, patronising club. Just this one has ourselves at the center. And we can defend our opinions with more intelligence, although not much substance.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Wow, the venom I have towards this class. None of this feels like anything. Let's just do stuff to do stuff. AAARRRRGGGGG. Nothing feels like it has a purpose. I need to sit down and just read the textbook to death, no more attending this class. It's been 20min and it feels like a fucking eternity.

*sigh*

Posted by Kurrs at 3:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I think I saw Paul Roberts in the hall. I'm not even sure if that's his name. We lived a block away from each other, played SNES together when we were kids, mostly Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then we started to grow up and Paul got too cool and I got too weird. Or he got too mainstream and I got too uncool. Depends entirely on the perspective. In the end, we didn't talk anymore.

I think he recognised me but he looked away rather quickly.

Posted by Kurrs at 3:09 PM | Permalink

Running possibly the most significant session ever tomorrow. So tired, haven't really eaten, done soooo much work. Have midterm on Monday to boot. Aeeeiiii. Hopefully it goes as awesome as I'm hoping.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was originally going to title this "Moments of Happiness" but that would imply that they don't happen very often. Much like the LJ community, I've noticed that this is often the place where I merely bitch and moan about how hard my life is.

As an aside, this has been made decidedly worse by the fact that I just had the worst month health-wise I've had in 10 years. The real problem was that it really affecting my thinking and judgement parts of my brain. Last week was the first week in which I was able to learn for more than an hour straight. Before that, I was just stare into space, unable to concentrate, go home, collapse. Why didn't I see a doctor? Because I could barely think. I tried to think my way through it, but all I could come up with was "no fever, no pain, no vomitting, no bleeding fecal matter, c'on, where's my symptoms?". And then, when thinks actually got bad in the case of migraines and what-not, I couldn't even move. Then, I'd feel "better" and think it was over. Arg, cycles of broken. Grr.

Well, it's over now, and even then I was having quite a bit of happiness in my life, even if I wasn't able to express it (or much else for that matter) during the time period.

Sushi

Recently, I had sushi. This makes me so incredibly happy. The hardest thing to cut, out of all of the ethical decisions I've been making in my life to reduce the amount of negative impact I cause, has been the loss of raw fish. I'm not a huge cooked fish person, but the loss of the beloved uncooked creatures of the sea. The pain, the pain. I could give up meat, dairy, new clothes, lots of stuff, if I needed to, and not be too perturbed. I'm not a consumeristic individual and don't mind not receiving things that I think are unreasonable to expect for as cheap as they come in our society.

But, raw fish is soooooo goooooood. And recently, Tim discovered that Ki-Rin, the sushi place near him in New West, serves red (also known as skipjack) tuna. Now skipjack is one of the few breeds of tuna that is managed well with little bycatch and habitat effects. Like catfish, dungenesse crab, and a small handful of other sea creatures, there is no real reason (IMHO) to feel guilty about eating the little critters. And is was god. That was a typo, but a funny one, I'll leave it.

Change

I recently witnessed something that made me really happy. First, some backstory. My parents live in the area that's centered between the university and alma, along 10th. The community is built around that little strip. Now, the area is newly wed and nearly dead, for the most part at least, and therefore sees little change. When the Starbucks moved in across from the Safeway, at every break you'd see a whole slew of safeway workers in their little aprons drinking away at the 'bucks. One horrible company supporting another in a terrible little symbiosis.

Recently, a computer cafe opened up down the street from Starbucks, also across the street from Safeway. A neat little place called think! that's snazzy and not a franchise. They started to sell coffee that's organic and fair trade. Last week, I was going by on the bus, and you know what I saw?

A whole slew of Safeway workers in their little aprons drinking away at think! and not one sitting outside the Starfucks. And it made me happy.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Ghost

Ashes

They live at my house.

Posted by Kurrs at 8:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Wow.

I just read Erin's first LJ post.

Wow.

My head reels. We are so different. Sometimes I can't even fathom how we're such a great fit. Is she Alice, and I the looking glass? Her, a world of normality and reasonable limits, but staring at a reflection of jagged glass and darkness that shows those things wrong with her normal life? Me, a twisted angry beautiful image, exactly like her but possessing all the jagged edges on my person, staring longingly at the beautiful simplicity that is her and the possibilities of change.

I'm not saying that my life is that hard, or that her life has been easy, but ... the differences are extreme. She comes from a world where no one has ever touched her in anger, where malicious physical harm is something that happens to other people. I come from a world where violence is normal, where physical harm (both violent and not) has haunted my steps at every stage of my life, where blood, broken bones, bruises, and hurting and being hurt by those that I love and those that I hate is all too normal. Where her baggage fits in a sharp little box, with depths and complexities, where mine are huge and many but stangely simple.

I view the world as a place where I'm not sure I can define good. That the world merely is and that is fine, it is beautiful and wonderful into itself. That the only thing I can define is immorality, those actions that are wrong and that, in the absence of these acts, I am happy. I have seen evil, and loved it, and hate myself for it. An absence of these terrible things is all that it takes to make me happy. Truly happy.

She lives in a world that just is, where an absent of good acts is the norm. That that norm is a terrible place of apathy and hurting, and that one must fill the gaps with good deeds. But that no real intentions are wrong, just misguided. For her to be happy, she must be creating things of lasting value, that are good. Otherwise, she is sad.

I'm not describing this right, but I just feel so overwhelmed, I need to get it out. How we work so well is beyond me, but we do. So similar, yet from such different worlds.

Posted by Kurrs at 7:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Oh, but how I love Johnny. It's a silly quiz, but, sadly, remarkably accurate.

Which Jhonen Vaquez character are you? By EmReznor.

Posted by Kurrs at 6:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

"Usually, in today’s day and age, you just have WTO protests, then everyone goes back to trying to make money.”
-- Prof. Newmann

Posted by Kurrs at 3:21 PM | Permalink

Moments in Time

"You don't need to go to wild spaces. You are happy enough just knowing they are out there, even if you never get to see them."

Or the moment where a friend of mine mentioned they didn't like the painting of the Arab with the falcon in my living room, and just how shocked everyone else was at that.

It's funny, I think I'm finally getting better. I'm on the bus again. I find that I think alot on the bus, my mind wanders. I think I'm becoming nostalgic, maybe only for a while, but I can't help but focus on things in my past. Maybe it's that I still haven't come to terms with so much, so many things that I can't reconcile with now. I still regret nothing, but there still is a sense of coming to terms with things that have happened, being at peace. Old moments haunt me, like specters from my past, causing me grief.

So few people understand, and many of those few are now distant from me. Some are infuriated by my simplicity, my clarity of thought. Others, too overwhelmed by the complex webs of my emotional swings. And some simply by the fact that they needed more of things I could not give them. Ironically, it is this last one that plagues me the most, only in reverse. So many people cannot give me what I want from them. I always try to demand things that are reasonable, that they could actually provide, that would make them happy as well. Yet for some reason I often fail in my assessment of what the other person can offer.

I've been told to lower my expectations, to find what I crave elsewhere. But I don't crave actions or feelings without context. Friendship, companionship, intimacy, comraderie, honesty. These things are meaningless without context to me. Something from one person is as the skies blessing the stars to my sight, whereas from another is as a sharp trinket, luminous like the stars but simple, and dangerous to handle.

I can't say I honestly dislike where I am now. Emotionally I'm pretty hurt still. Physically I'm still recovering. Logistically I'm incredibly behind. I'm scarred, sharp, angry, obssessed, and possibly even broken. But I've done it to myself, and where I've reached through all of this, because of all of this, is amazing to me. The professional steps I've taken towards my future are so pronounced, there is so much possibility. I have people that care about me, that love me, are special to me. I might have some baggage, but the trip, I think, was worth it.

Even if I do think I need a break to recover afterwards.

Posted by Kurrs at 8:15 PM | Permalink

Still taking it really easy. Need to get better, whatever that entails. Going to see a doctor soon, my mother thinks I may have been anemic, which would explain alot. Doctor will probably give me a blood test, tell me for sure. Until then, I'm taking suplements, hopefully that'll clear stuff up.

Went to the Parade of Lost Souls on Saturday. That made me very happy. It was everything I wanted from a Halloween festivity. Saw three groups of note.

Patti, Meg, and Navi. That was good, Patti and Erin met and while they didn't interact much (we didn't really with anyone) they seemed to do well with each other's vibes. Which is positive. Patti's still very important to me, and not having any funnies between her and others in my life is nice. Not necessary, but nice.

Tillie and co. Friends of Erin's, got to put faces to stories I hear about. Was surprising, didn't expect what I met. Very SCA in style and mannerism, even if they aren't SCA people, that's definately the vibe they give off.

Erin's exes. Yes, this is a group. Well, she's still dating other Chris, but other than that, they're all her exes. That interaction was weird. However I enjoyed it, and I got to attach feels and faces to alot of the stories I've been told. Once again, surprised. I think the kind of people Erin tends to interact with aren't the kind of people I tend to interact with. It's interesting.

Today got into a bit of an argument with Erin. Sundays seem bad for us. However, everything worked out and she headed off with everything good, just like last time. We don't tend to grate on each other. We sync pretty well. Sundays just ... bring out the cranky inability to communicate for some reason between us.

Nice top off to the weekend? Tyler dropped by. It's waaayyyy past my bedtime, but it was really nice to see him. On that note, sleep calls.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:45 AM | Permalink