Significance
Moments in Time
"You don't need to go to wild spaces. You are happy enough just knowing they are out there, even if you never get to see them."Or the moment where a friend of mine mentioned they didn't like the painting of the Arab with the falcon in my living room, and just how shocked everyone else was at that.
It's funny, I think I'm finally getting better. I'm on the bus again. I find that I think alot on the bus, my mind wanders. I think I'm becoming nostalgic, maybe only for a while, but I can't help but focus on things in my past. Maybe it's that I still haven't come to terms with so much, so many things that I can't reconcile with now. I still regret nothing, but there still is a sense of coming to terms with things that have happened, being at peace. Old moments haunt me, like specters from my past, causing me grief.
So few people understand, and many of those few are now distant from me. Some are infuriated by my simplicity, my clarity of thought. Others, too overwhelmed by the complex webs of my emotional swings. And some simply by the fact that they needed more of things I could not give them. Ironically, it is this last one that plagues me the most, only in reverse. So many people cannot give me what I want from them. I always try to demand things that are reasonable, that they could actually provide, that would make them happy as well. Yet for some reason I often fail in my assessment of what the other person can offer.
I've been told to lower my expectations, to find what I crave elsewhere. But I don't crave actions or feelings without context. Friendship, companionship, intimacy, comraderie, honesty. These things are meaningless without context to me. Something from one person is as the skies blessing the stars to my sight, whereas from another is as a sharp trinket, luminous like the stars but simple, and dangerous to handle.
I can't say I honestly dislike where I am now. Emotionally I'm pretty hurt still. Physically I'm still recovering. Logistically I'm incredibly behind. I'm scarred, sharp, angry, obssessed, and possibly even broken. But I've done it to myself, and where I've reached through all of this, because of all of this, is amazing to me. The professional steps I've taken towards my future are so pronounced, there is so much possibility. I have people that care about me, that love me, are special to me. I might have some baggage, but the trip, I think, was worth it.
Even if I do think I need a break to recover afterwards.