Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

I'm not even sure that's true, but that's what went through my head.

It's so delightfully angsty, though, isn't it? Silly Chris, using turns of phrase like the "chasm of my own depression widen before me and engulf everything". Sometimes, I wonder about him...

I'm lost. I said it to Tyler. This whole situation has managed to completely floor me. What's going on? What am I doing? I feel so helplessly confused. Bouncing from one idea to the next, feeling very much _not_ like myself. What's this? A fear of being alone?

I feel worthless, rejected, and yet surrounded by amazing things. There's alot that's good in my life, and I cling to it, like a man who cannot swim, clinging to a life-saver while he tries to convince himself that the water is not deep enough to drown him. But he's being pulled, perhaps to the shallow bottom of a harmless pool. This one, though, feels too strongly, and might even drown in the shallow waters, through despair and hopelessness. Why stand? Why breathe?

Of course I know why. Because there's always something else, some other thing around the corner. Life surprises you, gives you wonderful gifts. But I want the unattainable. I want the things I cannot have. Because, if I managed to possess them, then I would have value. I would have beat the odds, acheived the impossible. A king of theives.

But that too, is a lie. A powertrip, not real. So I cheat and steal my way into some previously believed impossible situation. How does that mean I'm worthwhile? I lied to get there, so I'm just a fake, an imposter, wretched and worthless, covered in a silver veil to fool onlookers. "Look, it's valuable," says the shopkeep, "Don't mind the smell of rot, it's just your imagination."

Gah, Ty, I blame you. "If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended," eh Tyler? But more than that, I blame myself. I get myself into these situations because I want to, I want to feel the feverish madness that overcomes me. I want to be driven crazy, to have something strip away the layers of reason I have constructed, to shake me to my core.

Oy, and I have finals to study for, and sleep to get... Good night.