Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

For weeks the festidious tinker worked upon his creation. A mass of gears and levers, cogs and pulleys, a mountain of chronography and order and logic. A labyrinth of mechanisms turning together in synchronised order and reason. Seemingly completed, he tried many times to unveil his creation, to seek approuval. But, at every turn, he was vexed. The curtail caught on gears, the technical schematics were unclear, or the audience wasn't listening. Disheartened and frustrated, he tried again and again, but his repeated attempts merely confused the delivery and upset him.

But now, it has been revealed, in all its technological wonder, and he smiled.

So, I just attended my first stats class today. I made it through half of it before I left in disgust. I hate the class and the prof. I may attend further lectures out of appearances sake, but for the most part from now on it's doing the homework and assingments from home and only attending tests. Grr. Well, I'm at my parents eating warm rhubard and strawberries with ice cream, so no real complaints.

Last night watched "Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance". Wow. The cinematography in that movie is mind boggling. That and its both intensely dark humour and also very upsetting at points. The problem is, often people don't agree what is funny and what is depressing. Jhayne cackled her way through the entire thing (with the notable exception of the electrocution scene), whereas I think Ty might have had difficulty watching it due to the cackling madwoman. Man, I hate to think how Daniel would have taken it if he had come. Relatively difficult movie to watch in mixed company because of the grossly divergent reactions to it. Apparently some people cry at the end, I can't even imagine how those people would cope with the amount of laughter that occurred last night. Even if you do find the humour, it's still very grim.

It's funny, but I found my happiness again. Not the superfiscial "I feel nice now" but that strand of "I am fundamentally ok" that is recent to my life. I've been accused of being akin to an angsty 16 year old, and I couldn't help but chafe under that definition because I don't even remember what that time of my life was like. It's been 8 years since I've been paying my own way and living life the way I want to, I've been almost married (Patti sez "Ah, you're all talk" hahahaha, awesome), and sometimes I have to remind myself that people I know have never been independant.

But, at the same time, I understand why people might view me that way. I've never really been free like I am now. It's weird, but it's scarier than being caught in a self-destructive system because suddenly I'm fully responsable for my life. I mean, I was before, but now there's a step of removal from responsability that has been removed. It's been gone for almost a year, and I still can't quite wrap my head around it. Freedom, what do you do with it once you get it? Whatever you want, that's the problem.

I've also realised that I'm made mildly uncomfortable by people who want "a romantic relationship". First and foremost, I am a loner, but I do have this habit of falling completely head over heels for people. I'm no romantic, I just love strongly. However, if there wasn't anyone specific that I _really_ wanted to be with, I would be happy. The idea that there is this slot labeled "romantic involvement" I find really ... strange. You want sex? Go out and get it. You want romance? Got out and get it. But you want to fall in love? ... Jesus, are you damaged? If it comes, great, if not, well, whatever, you're not. What the heck is the big deal?

I find myself unable to believe that someone might "complete me". The only thing completing me is ME. However, I don't mind the idea of completing someone else. Double standard? Not sure. Who cares anyhow.