Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

I just want to cry until my tears dry up. So much that I'll name the river that is produced from my affections after you. I want to be lost again, once more falling utterly into the arms of despair. Turn off the mind and let the heart reign, in all its fettered glory. Let go until I cannot see, hear, or even smell. Until all that remains is just the sensation of touch feeling the salt water pour down my face, the shivering spasms underneath my skin, and emotional pain finally and beautifully converting to actual agony.

I want to be a phoenix again. Burn my gold feathers into ashes.

Milestones are interesting. My last post was my 200th. Funny how I manage to be synchronistic like that. Like whenever my agenda runs out of days something significant happens. It's actually a pretty good yard stick, because if I'm not replacing pages in my agenda, chances are my life's gone more than a bit hay-wire.

I just checked back at what my 100th post was. End of the Christmas break between semesters, which was the end of a particularly rough bout for me. I really should learn to not get myself involved in situations that lay waste to me so completely and utterly, but I've been doing it all my life. It's a skill, an art, something I do without thinking or trying.

What would Freud say?

The real difficulty of it is that I think I might actually want to be hurt. I mean, one of the things I find most attractive in others is emotional pain. I also, to a certain extent, worship beauty (which is something I have usually kept to myself because people I tend to hang around with seem to have a fundamental connection between appreciation of beauty and superficiality, probably the result of being raised in a society where beauty is being commodified and they are rebelling against that). So, it's entirely possible that I am trying to be more beautiful to both myself and others. Frankly, it might also be because its easier, that I've done it so often and for so long that it would be just too much of a bother to do otherwise. Or maybe I'm still searching hopelessly and romantically for someone as crazy as I am. It's probably all that and more.

Don't let anyone know I'm a bleeding heart, I have a hater reputation to protect.

However, losing an entire week to solitude mourning the loss of a relationship, or spending a month devoting yourself completely to someone, or any number of the other things I've done in my life aren't only expensive but detrimental to other things that are important to me.

On an unrelated note, my appetite is totally out of control. April and May were mostly upsetting/unsettling for me so I didn't really eat much. Now, to be fair, this is me, so "not eating much" is down to one or two meals a day, probably large ones. But now it's nuts.

Yesterday I ate:
- Wrap with rice, beans, avocado, sprouts, cabramonte, salsa, cherry tomatoes
- Burger with pickles and cabramonte (that's a kind of goat's cheese)
- Grilled Chesse Sandwhich with bowl of borsc
- BBQ Chicken, Broccoli with Cheese Sauce, potatoes

And that's not counting the cookies, cupcakes, apples, ice cream, rhubarb, strawberries, or oranges I ate. Like, WTF? One DAY! How am I going to sustain this pattern? No one's metabolism is as crazy as mine. You want to know how I remain thin as a rake and yet can walk 25km in two days casually without noticing AND eat enough for a family? *points at body* Blame it, not me. Gods, this is expensive way to live, thank gods for family.

See lovely? I hardly fed you at all. If I was actually feeding you, you'd notice.

I hope to see lots of you at party. If anyone thinks this post was disjointed, I hope you expected that from me.