Reconciliation
I went to El and Pip's for dinner on Sunday, and it was fantastic to be reminded how much I like them. It's strange that they live four blocks away from Newton Wave Pool (read: middle of nowhere) and two blocks away from one of the nicest organic grocery stores I've ever been to. The world is a strange and wonderful place.
Later that evening, she came knocking at my window. She would have been exhausted, alone, and tired. She was worried about me. I awoke and knew it was her, but I was paralysed by fear. I couldn't handle spending the night with her, and that's what would have needed to happen. So, I ignored her and pretended she was a dream, and was asleep before she said "Goodnight" through the window and walked home.
Monday, I phoned her, because I felt I ought to. It would have been very late, and she is not the most fit or healthy of people these days. Her walking all the way here and all the way home was a significant gesture, one I hadn't even acknowledged. So I phoned her, because I felt I should.
And we had the first conversation ever that we both got really upset. Which threw me. Of all things, I had not expected that. Well, I had, but just the timing of it threw me. She actually hung up on me, almost twice. I am her best friend, I have been avoiding her, and I did say a few things that were hurtful and untrue. I do lash out when upset, even though I don't mean to.
So I told her that she was my friend, and that I wasn't having trouble dealing with her per say, but my feelings towards her. Very different. So I walked to her place, and found a bouquet of white flowers, and we didn't talk as much as we hugged.
I had told El I have two priorities right now: get over Jhayne, and do well on my final. But it could have been rephrased to: girl and school. I hadn't realised that coming out of this without hurting her was as important to me as stopping the situation from hurting me.
A strangely incestuous brother and sister of self-destruction.
Currently Listening: The Servant - Cells <-- Theme from Sin City