Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

We've been together for a while, haven't we?

It certainly makes more sense than anything else. When all the pieces fell into place, I suddenly felt less alone, but it doesn't change that things haven't been functional or good. I'm haunted by my own words I'd rather be unhappy and know the truth than be happy and believe a lie as they seem to be the cause of alot of heartache right now.

Everytime I see you, I know what the conversation will be. You used to talk about other things.

I can't let things sit. Yet I don't really know where I am either. I've lost the ability to pine, I've lost the deep need I have for her, but all it seems I've got in return is confusion. Everytime I talk about other things, I'm playing a role, donning a mask. Sometimes those particular dances are very comfortable, and make me smile underneath even. But still, I seem to be very little more than a creature of habit right now.

Normally I don't dwell on things, I just wait for them to happen. I'm still upset by them when they do, but I tend to try and distract myself until they do.

I can't and won't live like she does. It is an awful and terrible way to live, and shouldn't be emulated. I will always deliberately shape the world I live in, creating it as I go. I am so infrequently surprised by anything, and that lies in large part to the fact I live my life very proactively. When I had been asked whether we were together a few months ago, the best I could muster was eventually, so even now I am hardly surprised with where things are. Constantly learning and revealing more, she says that it's all there to see without realising that the largest barrier to understanding is myself.

I suppose it's hard to get closure without... Wait, no, I suppose it's impossible to get clear closure when there's no clear beginning.

That is exactly my problem. I had made so much progress, had travelled so far forward. Finally, after a burst of light in an intricate pattern that would allow a catalysing moment, I was free. However, I knew I was missing something, that there was some fundamental piece in my puzzle that I didn't have. It wasn't large, but it was there, glaring at me. I didn't even go look it out, it found me, and then I fell to pieces all over again.

The decision is always left to me. I have yet to ever be with anyone who had the strength of character to make the hard decisions. I barely do, remembering a multitude of times when I acted in ways that would try and force the other to make the difficult decision for me. Yet it never worked, things merely were left undone. I've even convinced people not to leave me for the wrong reasons, only to turn around moments later to leave them for the right reasons.

I know the only way out is through, I just wish I knew what that meant.

People are merely a series of switches, the trick is knowing how.