Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

what'd you do?

I'm really quite nasty with the way I _want_ to say things. It's not necessarily true that when I become more emotionally unstable or upset that I start thinking things that are untrue, but that the method I use to say them either becomes much crueler or that I stop curbing my barbed tongue. I have alot of really nasty things to say to alot of people, and the things people say to me can bring these little attacks out of me.

It's like the difference between criticism of an immoral act, and the personal attack that would be the statement that someone is a "morally vaccuous sack of shit". Both are technically true, from my perspective, but one way of saying it is much much more kind and useful to having the other person understand. And, since speech is a form of communication, if I don't convey my meaning I've kind of failed.

I guess the reason I'm an asshole is that I don't tend to say stuff that isn't true, I just say stuff in a cruel manner. So, suddenly, not only is the person spewing this unusually nasty venom in your direction is not only someone you respect or is close to you, but they're saying it the a way that will get under your skin the most.

It's like I have blades under my fingernails, and I have to remember to keep them in. The same communication can be achieved without them, but I must admit to the craving to just TEAR into someone else when they're saying something or doing something that bothers me.

The long and the short of it was that I criticised Tyler for one of his behaviours. It's not that he disagreed with me and in the end we came to a state of agreement, but the method I used to bring it up was inappropriately and unnecessarily hurtful.

As Erin pointed out, you probably only allow yourself to rip into people that you love, or feel comfortable doing it to. And anyone who's that close to you, who theoretically should know you well, should realize that you're not attacking them so much as you're attacking the statement they made. You're just pretty forceful when you do it, 'tis all. I think Tyler understood.

I'm not praising the fact that you become cruel when you're offended. That's probably something you should work on. But being able to let loose like that on someone does imply that you've established a certain level of comfort and honesty with the individual - which is a good thing.

Whoa, there's so much in that comment to play with it's crazy.

Trust me, I do try not to be especially cruel when I talk, I really do. The natural position for my claws is out though, I'm not very nice by nature. While I usually have the restraint to hold back, emotional closeness and emotional exhaustion mean I occasionally just tear into people.

I'm not even sure my restraint is a good thing, maybe I should be nastier up front. It might be more honest. But then there's this really complicated conflicting rights problem. You see, I'm nice to people because no one deserves viciousness, even if it's in my nature to dish out. So that means I become close to people without them usually having to deal with my nastier aspect. However, this means I've really really hurt people, and typically only people I matter to. Which doesn't entirely feel fair.

However, is it worth hurting everyone a little all the time by me just being nastier in general to avoid really hurting those close to me? Maybe it would be better that I just get a shirt that says "Warning: Lashes Out At Those Close To Him". Hard to say really.