Originally Uploaded here by ahmedzahid
How well I recognized her now as a child of the city, which decrees that its women shall be the voluptuaries not of pleasure but of pain, doomed to hunt for what they least dare to find!
The last time I listened to this song, I got only a handful of seconds into it before I felt the tears build in my eyes. I was sitting at Tim's computer, looking for the kind of music that a character of mine would listen to. I'm running into this problem where I can't get Mindless Self Indulgence out of my head while playing this character, and frankly that's not music he would ever listen to. I need something to let my forget my own music taste. Something jazz-y, that I can actually get into. So we found Holly Cole after trying a few misses. Which definately fit the bill.
However, it was at a time in which I wasn't ok. Wasn't on the level. Tears were too close at all times, playing the tragic lover with puppet strings pulled through flesh like stiches from a self inflicted wound. Face painted in a perpetual mask of triste.
Currently Listening: Holly Cole - Take Me Home
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Originally Uploaded here by transience
I used to get nightmares. All the time. Even occasionally got night terrors, even though I didn't know what they were until Tim explained them. I got them about really trite stuff (like Darth Vader), sometimes got them while awake (the room would be changing shape and all I'd want to do is scream but then they might get me) to repetitive or savagely upsetting...
I had the same nightmare for almost a year straight. It tapered off and then eventually went away. My family were standing upon a tall mountain. An egg which bore a creature we knew to be evil was at the base of the mountain. We debated whether or not it would be moral to kill it before it was born. I can't remember which side of the argument I was on, but I remember my mother argued we had no right to destroy something no matter how much we thought we knew it was evil. The creature (which turned out just to look like a middle aged woman) hatched before we could finish the argument. The mountain sunk into the ground, which was all perfectly flat and dark blue. A portal opened off in the distance, and deprived of our safety in the mountain, we began to run. One by one my family members were caught by the middle-aged woman running after us, each being killed by a single touch. The entire world jarred when she ended their lives, like the world itself was a television being struck. Electricity, but without any smell of burning. I ran for the portal, a hole in space itself with an unknown destination, and I was always in the lead. When all my family was dead and I had almost made it, she touched me. The pain was overwhelming and sudden, and when I collapsed everything went black. One beat, two beats, three beats, of absolute nothingness. Then I'd wake up. The worst part is that I eventually met the woman who came out of the egg. She taught me Social Studies in grade six or seven. It's not like she was a bad person, I didn't even really know her... More than anything, it was weird, overwhelmingly strange. Meeting her made that nightmare go away, and that was nice.
I'd also dream of standing atop a really high place. I'd always somehow convince myself that jumping was a good idea. Not that I was being self-destructive or anything, just I'd manage to convince myself that to jump was somehow good into itself. And evertime I'd realise the error just as I lept. I'd try and angle myself, maybe that tree can slow my descent but it never worked. Then I'd hit the ground, and my bones would break and it would feel like I went through the ground but my body stayed behind. Once again, that terrible blackness, a complete absence of sensation. It would last, and I'm not even sure I'd be breathing because I think I'd usually wake not screaming but gasping.
I had one that fucked me up for weeks. I was naked, being chased by these Neonazis in an old dilapidate house that looks strangely like the house on the corner of Woodland. I was scared. But we got outside on the porch and decided that I wasn't going to run anymore. This completley nude nazi exited the house, hot on my trail and he mocked me. I can't remember what he said but he wouldn't stop. He just kept laughing. So I hit him, with my fist, in the mouth. His mouth opened in surprise and my fist got caught. So I started smashing his head into the ground. His skull fractured, and blood spattered me as I kept striking his head attached to my hand. Eventually I was hitting his spine, but I still wouldn't stop. Only when my hand hit ground and his head lay off to the side, his lower jaw the only bit of his head left attached to his body, did I stop. My hand was free, and I just squatted there, covered in blood and nothing else, shaking.
Yeah, night-time didn't used to be so kind to me.
Currently Listening: dj://spaz - iterate (prerelease unmastered version just for Chris)
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Originally Uploaded here by kartoffel
Life is good. Nervous-making, but good. Everyday I check off things that I have done and add things that need to be done. A cycle, a never ending process. I'm way busier than I have been in months, but also way more organised. I can't agree more, but I would also have to add more content.
Beth's R&G thing is very daunting. One of the reasons I stayed out of stage acting for as long as I have is my serious problem with memorization. And now I'm going to play Hamlet. I, of course, am going to take this very seriously. I'd be surprised if I'm not practicing my lines religiously by next week. The only way anything has ever been good is with a bit of obsessive-compulsiveness, at least, for me anyhow.
My WoQE trucks along, every day I do more work on it. Alot of it catch-up, alot of it trying out new things or talking to potential players. Everything is very exciting, lots of work, lots of work. As usual, can't talk much about it, but I am definately excited.
School is boring, albeit good. Just do well, that's my motto this year. Morals looks like it's going to be a class I could teach. Renewable Resources looks like it might be really shitty and third-year-esque, but there is promise. I want to get up and slap some of the students and yell Get out, your brain is too small, you won't be able to handle this class on a regular basis, but ah well. Honours Seminar scares the shit out of me, but fear is meant to be conquered. Going to e-mail the growth-dude about my thesis soon. Also should apply for Winter Bursery now that I have all my ducks in a row.
My sex life is good. Really good. I will abstain from saying any more.
KMM was wicked this week. We ate freshly picked corn and then watched a film of absolutely impeccable quality. A transient and inclusive community, it is starting to become somewhat of an institution, with fame and all. It makes me happy.
I need to phone the police, they need stuff from me regarding the assault charges. I've been lazy about that, I really should deal with it.
RCW organisation has already started. It is all going to center around one day called the Vote With Your Dollar Fair in which we have the entire SUB concourse booked. That's 30 booths which need to be filled. Aieeeee. I'm supposed to have a list of at least 100 potentials drafted by the end of the week.
I am tired, and planning to go to the Brickyard tomorrow night.
That is all.
Currently Listening: Aphex Twin - Girl-Boy Song
