Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

Someone once accused me of starting my blog as a sort of manhood comparison, a litany of how busy I was and, by proxy, how great my life was. I wonder what she'd think if she still read this. I seem to have come full circle, back to that point, next thing I'll be writing and whining casually about random club infatuations. A strange change of pace from my usual gut-wrenching soulful proclamations of love. Seemingly similar, yet so fundamentally different. One, I can easily contain to weekends, like a hobby (aside: a part of me wonders if it is chauvanism that drives me to view casual sexual relation in this matter). The other burns away the rest of my life, like the explosion of a star or the flame of a backdraft. I may not ever have all the feeling back in my thumb, and the scarring on my right hand is, for lack of a better word, impressive.

I ran into an old childhood friend, and he asked me about the rest of the crew. I mentioned there had been a falling out that never really recovered. True enough, I guess. I wonder what it would be like to run into one of them again. Some of them won't enter my house, others look upon me with apprehension and a touch of... fear? Some of them I haven't seen in so long I don't and wouldn't know what would happen.

I am really busy right now. Slept in today, not because I didn't wake up early but because I forced myself to stay in bed, knowing how long the next little while was going to be. Food, school, food, assignment, R&G readthrough, assignment, and now on the bus home, sleep. Wake up, farmer's market, RCW meeting, something (there's lots of ambient stuff), Piotr's birthday party, sleep (stuff some eating in there somewhere, lots of it). Oy, at least I think Sunday is free. Probably school work (non-thesis/honours stuff), probably Garou work, and going to get the movie for KMM.

Gods, it reeks of alcohol.

I wasn't complaining when I said my life is boring, actually it is a comfort. One foot in front of the other, eyes up, paying attention and not getting distracted. Badger Earthworks was too much like drinking, like escapeism. Work until you can't think, until your body can stand no more and you can sleep finally. I couldn't do things that required thought because thought led to introspection, and that was a place that I really didn't want to be.

Alot of those things are still there, I can't escape my nature. I have said the words I love you more times in the last year than probably the rest of my life combined, and meant it every time. Love, for me, is for keeps, it doesn't ever really go away. Those that I have said it to that I no longer see, they still sit in my mind, gathering dust but never leaving, only requiring a slight brush off to reclaim their former brilliance. I've been told that I hold on for unreasonable amounts of time, but what if I'm not sure it ever goes away? What if it isn't time dependant at all?

Love isn't my selfishness, it is my lack of it that is. I burn far too hot for my own good. I restrict myself out of sanity and self-preservation. Nothing more.

Written On: Laptop
Currently Listening: the drunken mumbling of students