Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

I cannot quite grasp the expressions to describe just how thankful I am for the changes that have occurred in me. I'm actually, honestly, emotionally stable and it passes through me like shattering glass raising goosebumps along my skin, up my spine, and causing my hair to stand on end. Love is still the most important thing to me, it wraps around everything I do, everything I see, just... everything. Instead of distilling it, squandering it, wasting it on individuals, it wraps through me and outwards from there. Love without self-love is hardly love at all but a jealous expression of worthlessness, an expression of cursed possession. You hold on so hard it hurts them.

Every word I speak, every action I undertake, is a manifestation of my will. I have said this before, and still mean it. Now, though, it is clearer, the purpose better understood. I wish my lips spoke only truth, because truth matters so very much to me. Not the opposite of a lie, but a statement of what is. But my words being my will, this I know. Sometimes I speak lies, mostly by accident, but always a manifestation of what I want.

I told the other organisers of Responsible Consumption Week that I was proud, glad, and impressed by what we accomplished. I also told them that I was naturally terse, rough around the edges, maybe even mean. I don't think you're mean. I don't fear honesty, I'm just afraid of what it will do to others. Well, I'm abrasive at least.

Last time I was struck down by the incompatability of me and an Ilana, a dysjunction of being. So diametrically opposite, but similar enough in certain fundamentals to grate on each other in a manner hard to describe. Last time, it beat me, not the person mind you, but the interaction defeated me. It hurt, it felt like I was being judged, and I didn't stand up, and fix it, or at least endure it while I let the problem fix itself.

This time, even though it was so similar, I weathered it, I stood firm. I said that I was this way and that I expect no one else to be or react that way, and I allowed the other to be different, accepted the differences and waiting for them to reciprocate.

And you know what? They did. My gods, the things I might accomplish in this new being. It blinds me, like the sun.

Written On: Laptop on the 99S bus blogging yo