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January 30, 2006

Weight


Originally Uploaded here by *Christian

I'm spending more time in my own skin again. Piece by piece, brick by brick, I am rebuilding myself with a structure of routine. You have the technology. I walk with gravity again, like I own the place, like my steps could cut a line through life, like my outline is burned out of the surrounding space. My way with words, my vocabulary, my charisma, my confidence. Another brick, on top of the other.

I became tired with immaturity, I have become sick of weakness. I will dream what I want, as I have before. Strength is of character, everything follows from that.


I had a thought recently: that it is impossible to do something you do not want to, unless by mistake or misfortune. But actions, things one does, one does because one wants to. Even duress, a gun to one's head, you do the forced act, whatever it is, because it is more desirable to you in that moment than the alternative: death by chemically propelled lead.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Reid Speed - Spontaneous Combustion Mix (so awesome, she's coming on the 18th, fuck yeah)
Currently Eating: wrap's in the oven...

January 28, 2006

miss v. tr. to feel the lack or loss of


Originally Uploaded here by Sabinche

There it is again, that sense that my life lacks poetry, that when I stare back at certain points in my life I notice the inequality. I want to be happy, I want to be healthy, I need to be successful... But, I must admit there was something beautiful and enticing about being wrapped in threads of dysfunction and drama. A manifestation of an unhealthy self-image that was altogether not human enough to ever be sustainable. An inherent selfishness exists in attempting to sustain such a state; it means you run out of the ability to continue acting that way without being a rather despicable person, a parasite, a leech.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Spark That Screams - Self-Titled EP

At A Loss For A Title


Originally Uploaded
here by Another_Dude
I haven't been writing much, which is probably bad given my current designation. Too busy putting my life in order, routine building. I'm far behind where I want to be, nay, where I need to be to get everything want done, but I'm getting there. I've begun tracking my food intake, sleeping patterns, and whether or not I'm getting everything done on my core work projects which are, respectively, Working Out, Cello, RCW, Thesis, Econometrics, and Writing. The goal is to be doing all of them at least a bit every day, and I'm nowhere near there. Either way, it'll let me know when I'm letting things slip.

I do finally feel better. It comes across best in person, with the vigorous return of my vocabulary and ability to weave sentences. January sucked, let's make February a good one.

I've befriended a wonderful cheese smuggler, who also happens to be an organist, and it means I've had a steady flow of camembert, cheddar, and butter. I must say, it's been quite nice.


Originally Uploaded
here by af_ghano
I miss sex. Strange, given how important it is to me, that I've chosen to be monogamous (to be fair, it's unidirectional monogamy, but that term positively oozes with academic precision/pretention) with someone I almost never see. I don't mind the absence of the complication, and wouldn't go back on that decision or would seek to change it. I'm far too affected by the ones I love, and I seem unable to detact sexuality from great affection. Not that I necessarily care to, but it does mean that casual sex in the normal definition of the phrase is totally out for me.

I saw Sexual Practices of the Japanese, and was once again taken completely by surprise by the amount of people I know don't that know each other. Patti who didn't know Tillie who didn't know David who didn't know... Lines of unfamiliarity. I've been running in very different, almost completely isolated circles (there are notable exceptions) lately and I seem to have forgotten. KMM is, in part, an excuse for me to temporary create my own social circle, but it doesn't last. A phantasm, a moment's madness where I am the connecting piece in the center, much like the wake for the World of Quest's End, and afterwards everyone goes back to their lives.

Oh, and if you haven't seen Studies In Motion at the Freddy Wood, you really really should. There's only two shows remaining, Saturday and Sunday at 7:30pm. This is not to be missed if you have any ability to get out there tonight or tomorrow night. You can read more of me babbling about it here if you wish.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Aphex Twin - Richard D. James (full album)
Currently Eating: Wrap in a whole wheat tortilla with basmati rice, refried beans, cheddar, salsa, and avacado

January 26, 2006

Routine Commentary


Originally Uploaded here by Amin's photos

Natural aptitude is rather meaningless in the absence of dedication. When two individuals with a lack of dedication face off, one's innate abilities determine who is "better". But a person with dedication will be better at almost all things than someone who lacks it.

I've started running again, and my cello lessons have started. In both things, I am doing them with someone else and I seem to have a natural grasp of the activity over my partner in both cases. However, they both possess a level of dedication that I know I lack.

Don't get me wrong, complaining about natural inclination is about as fruitless and stupid as complaints go. I wouldn't change who I am. Tyler has described me as a powergamer in life, claiming that I took more flaws than the system allowed, to purchase an unreasonably high average for my statistics. Even acknowledging the natural friend bias, the idea is still full of humour. Me and the real life game master are friends y'know, and I convinced them that I could accurately portray both high stats and a large number of flaws. Is that cheating?

Numeric stat parables are boring, usually an excuse to laugh about a systematic error present in the fake thing instead of the real thing, or, worse yet, a moment of geek-muscle flexing, tantamount to comparing who's is bigger. But logically consistent descriptive game to reality parables can be hysterical, and even hurtful or insightful if used right.

I got my Zoë Keating albums in the mail today and everything about that transaction makes me giddy. I deposited money into her pay-pal account, she mailed me some of her CDs. Only the postal services of the USA and Canada was also involved in that transaction, no one else. Musician and Listener. The address was even hand-written, the package labelled gift so as not to involve even our respective governments. This is what buying music should be, this is the promise the internet gives. If I could manage to avoid giving even a penny to a label ever again, I would be happy.

Written On: Laptop

January 22, 2006

Just A Few Thoughts, Nothing Much


Originally Uploaded here by andydoro

Recovery seems finally within my grasp. I've been almost totally useless for days now, and at home for very little of it. More and more, looking back on it, January looks almost like a complete write-off. I've been accused of being especially hard on myself, but hey, without high standards nothing ever really got accomplished, did it?

I am, ultimately, a pragmatist, and while I admit to being hard, I have never claimed to be unreasonable (fits of unreason, perhaps, but not as a general rule). I'm harder on people I know well, and it seems I am hardest on myself. The excuse of ignorance of the person's other positive traits or handicaps becomes less and less available. Given who I am, I should be accomplishing more than I am. So, I work at it, and, it seems, for the most part I succeed. I seem to have this frustratingly complex and contradictory phobias of both success and failure, but they at least seem to be manageable. As for the unmanageable phobias, well, let's just say they're being worked on.

I am in a rather enviable position, lovewise, at least from my perspective. Strange that something which inherently was designed from a very short-term, fatalistic perspective, seems to work so well in a long-term sense. Well, at least, that's how I'm perceiving it. Odd, really.

My jaw seems to be working again. It's sore, and the wounds in the back of my mouth (something retarded like 8 stitches all said and done) aren't fully healed yet, but I have moved beyond counting my accomplishments in terms of the films I have watched. The count is 9, if you were wondering. Most good, some... not so good. I endeavour to see many more David Lean films, one of the men who made big budget Hollywood good. Gives me faith in my home continent's ability to actually make decent cinema, being so spoiled as of late.

I'm dreadfully behind in all my work. This should be addressed shortly.

Written On: Father's Laptop

January 21, 2006

I Miss Solid Food


Originally Uploaded here
There were a few days there where the majority of entries were not mine. Some strange deviation from the norm, I stared at the feed and thought in bafflement But... I didn't write that... and realised that the rest of the quadrobloggers actually had written more than one entry between mine. Maybe it helps me in my great contest between the emo content of LJ versus QB. All of livejournal Andrew would say (of the inri your mother variety, not the related by blood or large and bi varieties).

I miss solid food, I tried eating bread today. It kinda worked. Between jaw soreness and the wounds in my mouth, eating anything that is chunky at any stage is daunting. Last night I was feeling really crazy, craving dead flesh or perhaps humous on pita (it just isn't the same without the pita!). I will probably dine on more chicken broth, butternut squash soup, yoghurt, desert tofu, and scrambled eggs today. So not enough calories, I'm not functioning very well. Yesterday my accomplishments were Kingdom of Heaven and Underworld: Evolution, neither of which disappointed.

I'm going to get more liquid food, I've run out and I'm starving.

Written On: Home Computer

January 20, 2006

I Now Have More Painkillers In My Body Than Ever Before

The actual amount is staggering. Never having had more than some sort of anestetic that lasted for a medical procedure, with the very infrequent application of aspirin, I now have some four times that amount in my system, if such a thing can be measured that way. I tried just taking the T3s until going to bed, which then I figured sleep would relieve me of this feeling of immediate intensity. Not pain in any particular sense that I understand, but more all the nerves in my jaw turned on, a brilliant spectacle of sensory imput that is so very distracting.

I should have just taken another T3, I don't disagree with genetic engineering in principle any more than the use of anestesia, just their common applications. But I went to bed 5 hours ago and I was capable of little more than turning over and over, having waking dreams about things being written along the sides of my jaw. In this regard, I was very wrong. A new experience, one of many, I think that tomorrow may end up being a write-off of film watching much like this one. I watched a triptych of films, Gunner Palace, Road to Perdition, and the new Merchant of Venice starring Al Pacino, all very good.

My thoughts on them, in order mentioned.

I seem to have become fascinated, or merely continue to be so, by the conflict in Iraq. I have watched more footage, and watched more documentaries that surround that issue than almost anything else, especially if you take into account the fact that I don't learn that much new every time. I've reached the point of subtle differences in opinion, and still I want more. This film brought a very american troop focused exploration of the conflict, trying specifically to show stuff that hasn't been shown in other mediums, and it does that well enough, staying away from the mad proselytising of a fat man from michigan and the deathless victories of American media. Was rather enjoyable, especially for the fact that over half the soundtrack for the film was by music (accoustic guitar, electrical guitar, freestyling, etc) of the troops documented in the film. I also strongly advise, if this topic fascinates you too, to watch Control Room, which is focused on Al Jazeera as it relates to the conflict, and may very well be the greatest documentary I have ever seen.

Having just watched A Bittersweet Life, which is Kim Ji-woon's exploration of the gangster-revenge genre, I felt the need to revisit the Tom Hanks fronted vengeance/father/gangster film set in 1931 and it remains one of my favourite films of all time. Everything from the art direction, the pacing, the film's approach to violence, the use of period costumes and tones, the cinematography, the characterisation. The series of shots showing the arrival in Chicago remains one of the most breath-taking sequences I have ever seen filmed, yet so subtle. Almost impeccable, but not quite, A Tale of Two Sisters remains better technically, although I will be testing that theory on Monday when I watch it again . I need to own this film eventually.

The difficulty in making a film that is based on a work that has such a grotesque anti-semetic content that it is difficult to appear being anti-semetic oneself. Even while Shylock remains one of the most sympathetic characters protrayed in least this film version, the content is of a revengeful Jew who gets screwed in the end (morally satisfying to Elizabethan audiences). Powerfully portrayed, and managing to really get under my skin (the post-Shylock-screwing is difficult to watch for me because I can't help but think "You guys screwed a Jew, again, you don't deserve this happiness") both Shylock and Antonio end up being sympathetic, one as someone pushed too far and the other as honestly learning to regret their travesties on another human. The forced Christianisation of Shylock still makes me sick. All in all, it just makes me want to read the original again.

I can still taste blood, I think I will try to get more calories in me before I hearken to my bed.

Written On: Father's Computer

January 19, 2006

Bottom Wisdom Teeth = Gone

Holy shit, I think the freezing is wearing off.

Holy shit.

It's like my nerves exploded. Calling it pain feels inaccurate, just... really really overwhelming. That's new.

I've never had exposed bone be exposed to a grinding device before. Yet another experience I guess. Ground human bone stinks like grinding plaster, but worse.

Holy shit, T3s are crazy. I think I need more, but I will wait another hour as directed by the directions.

I don't think I'm making it to Wrapped in Grey tonight.

Written On: Father's Computer
Currently Eating: Blood! My blood!

January 18, 2006

Because Andrew Asked For It

So, by order:

1) What's wrong with conventional farming?

More than anyone could properly learn about. Other than getting a Global Resource Systems or Agriculture degree, many books including Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser or The Food Revolution by John Robbins, as well as countless books written by vegans/vegetarians/scientists/farmers/environmentalists can let you know about the food issues facing our food security or the ethics of farming animals (oh, a good one for that is Peter Singer or Tom Regan). You'll note that I'm not vegan or vegetarian, but I definately think the conventional method of farming's largest short term implications is how we treat the animals there.

2) Are pesticides really that harmful?

I believe Silent Spring by Rachel Carson is the one to read for the answer to that one.

3) If so, why hasn't this issue received the same attention as, say, sweatshops or conflict diamonds?

Given that there is the Organic movement that has a full fledged and legal method of deliniating its products from conventionally farmed goods, as well as the fact that there are entire degrees based around this issue, as well as the largest media splash about this issue (Silent Spring) 20 years ago, and that vegetarianism and veganism are very VERY large movements, I'd say that the conventional farming has received much more than either of those other issues. They are just more modern and en vogue.

4) Also if so, why are they legal? If it's because of big agribusiness, why do they have so much influence?

I believe you just answered your question with the word big. Given that, in North America, our political systems are based primarily around the idea of interest and lobby groups bringing the issues to the government (more so in the USA than Canada, but we often follow suit culturally, which means we end up doing similar things and thinking similar things are acceptable), these agribusinesses get more say. Which is also, by the by, why the copyright legislation changes everytime Mickey Mouse enteres the public domain.

5) What's better about organic standards?

http://www.certifiedorganic.bc.ca/

Remember that organic standards do differ slightly across regions, so it's good to become knowledgeable about more than just BC. Or, just only buy local (which is also good). Or, learn about the body that each of those regional authorities get their authority from:

http://www.qai-inc.com/

6) Isn't the natural vs. synthetic distinction pretty arbitrary and not very scientific?

Certified organic is not about natural vs. synthetic. It is about certified organic versus not. If you become aware of the rules that certified organic entails, and what most conventional farming entails, you understand the distinction better.

7) Can't genetically modified organisms be beneficial, like vitamin-A-rich golden rice in Africa for example?

Yes, but I believe that accounts for less than 1% of the geneticall engineered food grown (created?) in the world. Monsanto accoutns for over 99% (not an exaggeration) of the genetically engineered food industry in the world, and mostly sells things like "Round-Up Ready" crops, whose sole purpose is to resist stronger pesticides (read: Round-Up) that Monsanto sells. That, and it heavily attributes to the problem of monoculture even when used in a non-environmentally devastating way, which has its own issues.

I know you didn't address it directly, but I feel that the issue of "genetic food is more productive" needs to be addressed before moving on. Given that there is a vast global surplus of food (something like 50% of food is thrown out before it even reaches a kitchen in North America, or that India, in an attempt to keep world grain prices down, throws out enough grain every year to feed Afica's entire population, or any number of staggering facts) I simply do not believe the slight gains in productivity outweighs the incredibly large environmental problems that the use of genetically modified foods either produces directly or indirectly.

8) Organic food is more expensive and therefore a luxury that is unavailable to some. What if you can't afford it?

I do not believe such a person exists. What I perceive most people doing is shifting away from the ethical choice of organic (or better) food, towards other luxury items (such as movies, video games, new clothes, more meat than you actually need in your diet, drugs, cars, shall I go on?). Given that I have met single mothers on welfare who buy only organic food, this argument doesn't hold in the western world.

Also, after viewing the film Deconstructing Supper I am almost certain that there is almost no one in the world that can't afford organic food (maybe not certified, but that's another issue). Given that in some of the poorest places in the world, such as some provinces in India, there are strong anti-pesticide and anti-genetic modification, and other things of the so-called "conventional" farming method, I don't really think this is ever a valid excuse.

9) You have found satisfactory answers to many of these questions after years of hard study, research, and deep thought. But as an average Joe, I don't have time to do the same research; besides which, it's probably very hard to find an unbiased, reliable opinion! I would like to have a positive impact, but I would like to base my decision about how to do that on a solid, scientific foundation, rather than on hearsay and trusting the opinions of people like you who are seemingly more knowledgeable (or at least who hold stronger convictions).

That's why we agree, as a society of lazy affluent and wealthy individuals interested in specialisation, not breadth of knowledge, agree on listening to so-called experts. Like me. Or, if you don't trust me, then you trust large organisations involved in these issues or people with firmly based academic studies on the matter. Yes, I am willing to acknowledge that there are scientists who support conventional farming. There are also academics who support sweatshops, yet I don't agree with them either. A large, existing body of knowledge exists that is firmly on the side against conventional farming (the largest supporters of conventionally farmed goods are the small wealthy companies who make it, as well as the average uninformed consumer, as well as some other outliers).

If that isn't good enough, well, that means you actually have to learn about the issues.

January 17, 2006

A Dead Man's Undergarments


Originally uploaded here by [Meme]

The existence of pre and post-world war idealism and regional versus class identity in the United Kingdom. The validity of revisionary feminism in Judaism, with supporting evidence from the rabbinic and cabbalist traditions. Community, the cult of individuality, and polygamy as it applies to taxation, North America, and Islam. Intent versus outcome, and differential versus qualitative methods of decision making, and the importance of legislation and education on ethics. Conspiratorial glances punctuated by kissing. God, I love you.

I am wearing a dead man's underwear. He was a good man, and while it doesn't follow from it that wearing them is good, it feels positive. Very my family.

I finally get my bottom two wisdom teeth removed on Thursday. They fit, but they're rotten. For this and other reasons I will not be attending class this week. This sounds much more serious than it is.

Responsible Consumption Week has been going frustratingly. I will be working on it today in an attempt to fix things.

I love wine and cheese parties. I just wish people would stop buying either of those products that are conventionally farmed, the absence of such boycotting means an activity that, in principle, I love dearly ends up being a bountiful source of monetary support for suffering. This makes me sad, sometimes.

Ah! my dear, after all the work of the philosophers on his soul and the doctor on his body, what can we say we really know about man? That he is, when all is said and done, just a passage for liquids and solids, a pipe of flesh.
-- Lawrence Durrell, as Balthazar in "Justine"

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Eating: Tillie's Shepard's Pie, probably with a desert of plain yoghurt with some of my mother's preserves
Currently Listening: Canon in D

January 15, 2006

Musical Aside

Other than actually learning how to play the cello myself, I have run across an absolutely fantastic avant-garde cello player named Zoë Keating who makes the most amazing music only using the sounds from one cello. She's independant, you should have a listen and support her by buying her stuff if you like it. I'm totally in love with the sound she creates.

From her website: One Cello x 16, is an ongoing project in which I layer the natural sound of the cello to create rhythmically dense musical structures. Other than sampling and repetition, I do not manipulate the sound of my acoustic cello in any way.

She was the cellist at SimNuke last year, for those of you who were into that.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Zoë Keating - Legions (War)

January 13, 2006

You Become What You Dream


Originally Uploaded here by sgoralnick

I really dislike being so irrational.

Some times I'm not sure what to do with getting what I want. I always seem to expect that the drama in my head will manifest. Thankfully, it doesn't always.

I am very sore, and still am sick. Hopefully, this will end soon.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: The White Stripes - White Blood Cells (full album)

Of Dreams


Originally Uploaded
here by tmak
I spend my days surrounding myself with people, or immersing myself in work. I do neither well, not sleeping or eating enough to support any real activity that I might consider productive. I find moments of enjoyment, but the sustained effort needed to accomplish anything of worth isn't really there. While I am awake, things end up being kinda disappointing, I can't escape this feeling. And there's nothing I can do.

Normally I disbelieve in these states, claim they aren't real, that they are merely fabrications of a society that cannot take responsibility for its own actions. The reason you are unhappy right now is probably your fault. Events happen, bad things. Worse things than anything you have ever experienced have happened more frequently and more brutally to people who have managed to be far happier than you. There is certainly the possibility that, genetically, they are better than you are, born with an innate ability to enjoy life because of natal advantage, or some lack of injury. However, that argument is one I tend to avoid and think others should too. Focus on nurture; focusing on the things you can't control will merely diminish your power over them.

So, here I stray, for a short moment. I don't talk about the things that bother me much, only here and to a few other listeners, and then almost never in specifics. Angst-ridden though this may be, this is still toned down. Because this is all merely a writing exercise, and I have no desire to cast a shadow of blame on people, because being cruel is being cruel, reciprocity is not a good reason. It's amazing, you have so much reason to despise the human race, yet still you don't. I, in fact, like it quite a bit, in spite of everything


Originally Uploaded
here by matits
But the dreams, they're making it harder to cope with. Every night, I fall into sleep, and I fall into REM. Finally, sleep is no longer eluding me. And the dreams, so lifelike, and ... Well, they are too good, too reasonable, too what could happen that would be nice. Every night I dream of a problem I have almost no control over fixing itself, my efforts at solving it pay off, the accompanying endorphin-rush lights up my synapses, and it seems so true.

And then I wake.

And nothing has changed.

And I try not to cry.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Fredo Viola - The Sad Song

January 10, 2006

Absence


Originally Uploaded
here by Tirau Dan
I dislike the phrase, it suggests a weakness that I have been railing against, but I'm wasting away (or, at least I was, now I'm not so sure). Despite my distaste for it, I can't argue its accuracy. I'm lethargic and pallid, I've hardly been eating or sleeping, I've lost weight, I spend hours each day not moving at all, only feeling "better" when I've let go and slipping into something so thoughtless to call it apathy would be an exaggeration of feeling. More blank, and I wonder if that is the state that most people have to fry the shit out of their brains to arrive there, whereas a simple hormonal mix of sadness and illness brings it out in me.

Maybe the cello isn't such a good idea for Christopher. It's encouraging him: the intimate playing style upon an instrument with a slender waist and beautiful neck. Look at it, it's almost human shaped and sized, and the way he wraps his legs and arm around it. At least with a violin there's no such problem.

Well, maybe this way he'll have a real relationship for once.

I'm still strangled, unable to speak about so many things flying about my head. And yet, there isn't much to say. More of a longing, a desire for an end to absence. I'd prefer cruelty to nothing at all.


Originally Uploaded here
In contrast, pre-KMM curry pumpkin soup, KMM and A Bittersweet Life were positively marvellous. I felt better in those hours than I have in a while. It is far away again, the feeling I mean, difficult to touch or remember, but it was very nice. Terry helped me with my playing, and the film was magnificent and managed to not fall into any of the obvious cinematic pot holes that it could have. I agree with Bailie in that it should be watched again, this time without the hesitation and the cringing horror that there might be some happy ending or trite love story. The combined effect of the warmth of company, shared amusement, dry nasty wit, and comfortable laps, shoulders, incredibly good cinema and late-night past-bedtime matches of Zertz was amazing.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

One time, Chuck Norris hit Mr. T in the chest with a roundhouse kick at the exact same moment that Mr. T punched him in the face. The resulting explosion was the eighties.

Vin Diesel doesn't go hunting, because that would imply some possibility of failure. Vin Diesel goes killing.

Shadow of the Colossus is truly wonderful. Incredibly immersive and managing to tackle a David versus Goliath feeling marvellously (it still plays second fiddle to the best PS2 game of 2005, God of War but it's still pretty snazzy). I can't help but agree with Megali's complaint that the stupid girlfriend isn't worth eradicating a race of ancient beings, but ironically that vehemence might be rooted in my shitty love life and not a reasoned responce at all. Ah well, at least I'm not crying watching stupid teen flicks.

There's a new Salad Fingers, in case you didn't notice. The animation is better but it is less creepy. You should probably watch The Child That Smelt Funny if you're into that sort of thing and you haven't already.

And, lest we forget, HARRRRRR!

Written On: Laptop

PS An anorexic girl goes through potato chips in desirous, short, frenzied, and guilty bursts.

January 9, 2006

Unhappiness


Originally Uploaded here by eyecatcher

I feel awful. This depression/sickness thing sucks.

KMM is on tonight anyhow, I've waited long enough to watch Kim Ji-woon's new film. I have high hopes.

Tim and I may have found a play for our performance in July. Even through the haze of discontent, I am excited.

I would talk about how awful, but it would probably just make me feel shittier.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: nothing
Currently Eating: nothing

January 8, 2006

Chronographically Concerned


Originally Uploaded here by Abbey Wuthrich

There's a blur between where my poisoning and my illness begin and end, but I don't seem to feel much worse than I did before. More of a replacement, toss out some fever, throw in some nausea. Presto, new symptomology.

I'm not really certain why I did it, a mistake most likely. A game of catch-up and I was playing in the wrong league. Vodka, chartreuse, flavoured and not, ten shots and less than ten minutes later. Did I really do that? Throw down some beer and let's get to drunken. I remember having things in my hands, poker chips and playing cards, the edges of chairs and tables, probably another drink (there was a martini of some sort...). I am told I said some poison-induced words, but nothing more than really hammered might explain away.

First went my reason, then my balance, then my ability to speak, see, stand, or... well, move. You looked like death warmed over. I was capable of little more than vomiting, which I did to excess. I talk about the "good" old days, with a certain amount of disingenuity I might add, about how we would drink until we lost all of our functions, yet no one I know now has ever seen me like that, until yesterday.

Well, I suppose at least I was educational.

We did that frequently, riding the line between completely hammered and unable to function even in the slightest bit all the time. We would get completely shit-faced and then complain we weren't drunk enough, wandering to the liquor store for more 40s. Yarrr. It was stupid in ways that I have trouble reconciling with now.

It was incredibly self-destructive, this time around. I didn't intend it to be at first, but ended up being that way. Some intense act of degradation, throwing to the wind my carefully collected demeanour and replacing it with crass, and occasionally French, words and behaviour. I'm not sure I would have liked to know me at that moment, and in a way I think that's why I did it.

It wasn't hard either, I've been spending almost all of every day doing little more than lay on the couch. Sleep has been hard to come by as well, a movement from couch to bed to couch, with the occasional outing done at great effort. And then I decide to drink hard and fast? I already had trouble leaving the house, it is hardly surprising what happened.

Ah well, one for the books of not to be done again. I promised myself I wouldn't drink like that again almost ten years ago.

I suppose I needed reminding why.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: to the rain...

January 7, 2006

A Cross Section Of Moments


Originally Uploaded here
I'm really quite sick, it's amazing that I made it out to the parties last night. At about five o'clock I was in Meghan's lap, whining about how I was too tired to do anything. At a meeting earlier in the day I was asked what I'd be doing the rest of the day. "Laying down," I replied, "Until I manage to get up to go to a pair of birthday parties"

Christopher goes through sexual partners like an anorexic girl goes through potato chips.

I'm the only one who got hurt by that interaction. She wanted to use you up and eat you afterwards, you wanted to be hurt. The only one who didn't get what they wanted was me.

Children are like temporary parasitic organisms. The trick with them is not to treat them as such because the problem with children is they become what you expect of them. Therefore, treat them like a temporary parasitic organism and they will end up becoming permanent ones.


Originally Uploaded
here by jvoves
I really love Gorecki. His sound is so wonderfully lonely. He tends to start a symphony with a single instrument, like a cello or a double bass. It's a little string-centric, but he's easily one of my favourite modern composers.

Tim really summed it up well, I'm relieved but unresolved.

I officially have to call myself a writer. Three of my current goals, of which there are only five, involve writing something. My play, my thesis, and my book, respectively. Isn't that pretentious?

I love you, but I must say you really are pretentious.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Henryk Mikolaj Gorecki - Ill Symphonia

January 6, 2006

Under the Weather


Originally Uploaded here by daffodil

I am currently unwell. A series of connected relationships, all suffering from some head cold or throat pain. The symptomology seems similar enough across the sample set to conclude that the disease is the same. I'm spending alot of times on couches, horizontally, not really doing anything. Frustratingly, I also can't seem to sleep, so I spend most of every day doing... nothing. Not entirely unproductive, I'm certain at least %20 of every day is still spent doing something useful, I still get out afterall. But, well, I'm underfunctioning to say the least.

I could move into elaborate wartime metaphors for my white blood cell count, but I think I'll leave it a bit more simple than that. When I am depressed, it depresses my immune system. I only get sick when I am upset. Not to say that I don't get illnesses, it's just that my normally fantastic defense mechanisms so throughly trounce any invaders, it doesn't even hit my radar.

Enemy repelled, should we inform HQ? That's a negative squad leader, deal with the threat and return to regular patrol.

My mind is blurry, there's stuff I want to say, but I can't put it together.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Spark That Screams - Bomb The Bridges

January 5, 2006

Faucet


Originally Uploaded here by nikon3100

I found the shut off valve for my hot water tap in the kitchen. It leaks as well, in fact more than the actual faucet itself does. There's some wonderous metaphor contained there.

I thought I had more to say.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Classical Indian music, currently a nothern Dhrupad
Currently Eating: Shish kebabs w/ Beef, Pinapple, Hot Peppers. Cooked tortilla shell with Cajeta.

January 4, 2006

From The Front Lines...


Originally Uploaded here by Đó£Pђ!ŋ

The first day of class. Well, it would be, if I were in more than one standardly defined "class". I met with my advisor today, had a serious chat about the thesis. He seemed... defensive... which I was hoping he wouldn't be. However, I could totally see the How could you complain about me being absent when you never come see me? I didn't mean it as an attack, more of a whimper of terror, truth be told.

Megali was right, I almost burst into tears talking about it. The simple reality is that I've never done anything like this before, nothing even remotely prepares you for it. I stuttered, tried to be intelligent, but couldn't help but feeling like an irresponsible and stupid child. I don't get that feeling very often, heck, I don't even remember the last time I felt that way other than around the thesis. But so much of my confidence, my belief in my own abilities and dedication, were left and often are left at the door when I walk in to talk to him. I even almost forgot my bag, and I was biting my tongue so I wouldn't cry on the way out.

It's funny, I could almost see the conflict in him, writ across his face. I don't like the literature you do and Remember, he's just a kid, don't get mad at him, he's not actually attacking you. He's just scared, you were too. He described his own Honours thesis for his Bachelor's of Arts as little more than navel gazing and an almost complete waste of time. His English isn't perfect, and at times he pauses after using words like hamstring and pedagogical, testing them out in the air to make sure he used them correctly, and still he's a better speaker than most people I've ever met. It was nice to hear those aphorisms, those parables that so infrequently mean anything to me. Those don't forget, I'm just like you only work when they come from people you respect, that you honestly look up to.

And man, those are in short supply.

Written On: Laptop
Currently Eating: Hash browns, Two Eggs, Toast, and a Hippytastic Smoothie

January 3, 2006

Fuck Yeah, Bitches

I got an A+ in Renewable Resource Economics. Look at the size of my fucking brain.

[EDIT]
My final grades were:

A+ Economics of Renewable Resources
A Economics Honours Seminar
A+ World Music Cultures
B Contemporary Moral Issues (I didn't try, was too easy so I didn't care, my fault)
[/EDIT]


Written On: Home Computer
Currently Drinking: Water

January 1, 2006

Words On A Screen

There are as many... I forgot what I was saying.

New years was a countdown of Brazilian rum to an encounter that I didn't know would happen or not. A series of cancellations and set-backs, it looked like it might end up being just me and Meghan at Sin City.

Avery didn't disappoint, showing up with his lovely wife, rescuing us from... His absence. He seems certain I am pathos, and hopes he is ethos yet is pretty sure he might be logos. He says it will be nice to meet the third of the us so that it can finally be laid to rest which he really is.

I do dislike having justified reasons for being upset with someone. I vastly prefer unreasonable ones, ones that can be quickly brushed aside with a quick application of reason. Often there is emotional baggage, but unfounded stuff tends to be easier for me to deal with in general.

Although maybe there is a reasonable amount of wisdom in my surrogate brother's words. Perhaps next time I will see him it will just be yet another girl, and I will realise it was all infatuation.

Yeah, right. The worst part is that the first half is probable, whereas the second isn't. Goddamn it.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Trigger10d - Most People Don't Forget (Undertone)
Currently Drinking: Water
Currently: Hammered