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March 30, 2006

Emotional Skeletons


Originally Uploaded
here by Lastexit
It's weird, I'm sort-of ambiently aware of certain really strong emotional reactions I have to certain people and things, but I can't really feel them. I have the distinct sense that they'll come up, but I can't really afford to be overwhelmed by anything, and even in the absence of emotional hoopla I still feel totally... overwhelmed... by the amount of stuff I have to get done in the next 21 days or so. Plus, there's some stuff I want to wrap up before I move on, which in many ways I don't have time for. I might seriously drop off the face of almost everyone's planet, and if that occurs, it will be a significantly good thing.

I'm frazzled, I must admit.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: The Postal Service - Give Up (full album d/l)

Posted by Kurrs at 12:41 PM |

March 29, 2006

My Life In Bullets

  • I Stormed the Wall today with my cousins Andrew and Steph, the Patmeister, and Lois. We finished in 17:31, which isn't too shabby, all said and done but we didn't do well enough to advance to the semi-finals. Not a big deal really, because there's no way we would have gotten to the finals, but if we'd gone in the heat before ours, we would have made it to the semis. Whatever, it was a blast and I'm glad I did it before I left this place.
  • I am officially a super-hippy. I walked down the Drive in a suit jacket, rolled-up army pants, and an organic smoothy I made at home in a reused glass jar in my hemp back-pack. Oh, and I was on my way to the theatre. I'm so awesome, I'm almost cross.
  • I've officially started counting the time to my thesis being due in days instead of weeks. A certain amount of panic is setting in. Econometrics is really daunting too, which doesn't help.
  • V for Vendetta was wicked, I've now seen it twice. Just go, it's spectacular.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Nine Inch Nails - the day the world went away (song d/l)

Posted by Kurrs at 11:00 PM | | Comments (1)

March 27, 2006

Sitting In A Suit In A Basement That Is Not Mine


Originally Uploaded
here by slowitdown
It's sunny out, but strangely cold in my parents' basement. The first line, it could have easily been from an almost unlimited number of teenaged blogs, but I've never lived here and have almost no common ground with the authors either. Perhaps a certain penchant for black and melodrama, but not for external causes of problems or living off of the good graces of others either. Nevertheless, it remains an excellent metaphor for how I'm feeling. I'm certain I've heard of this before, read others who have that strange sense of emptiness accompany success. It's strange, the twin sides of my phobia around work. Afraid of failure, but uncomfortable with success. Don't get me wrong, this is one of the better things I've ever accomplished: the perpetual growth trend a reality in my own life. The emotional aftermath inspires introspection, is all.

What did you do this weekend? Sleep.

Not entirely true, but twice I broke the 10 hour mark, and it's safe to say I spent at least half of Sunday not conscious. My mother mentioned that I looked like I was crashing for Sunday as well as Monday when I was leaving for bed. She may have been right.

Tonight I have an orientation with the Vancouver Parks and Recreation Board. Until then, I think I'll try and do something useful. I might just end up napping.

Written On: Mother's Computer
Currently Listening: Imogen Heap - Speak for Yourself (album d/l)
Currently Eating: Smoothies and Steaks and such

Posted by Kurrs at 2:55 PM |

March 26, 2006

Flow


Originally Uploaded here by Ahmed Zahid

Today flowed well.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Massive Attack - Teardrop (song d/l)
Currently Eating: enough, finally...

Posted by Kurrs at 12:20 AM |

March 25, 2006

Real Success


Originally Uploaded here
There it is, devoid of any of that competitive edge, that sensation of overcoming something else, that taste of victory over the other. Instead, it has the weight and emptiness that follows true success, the building of something that cannot be judged by numbers or standings, but instead the density of it flows through your body and being. Its absence, like a huge void that cannot be filled.

I felt like this after World of Quest's End wrapped up, this uncertainty, the phobia and uncomfort that I get when I actually accomplish something great, something worthy, something real. I can't help but be at a complete loss and try to attribute this feeling to a sense of dread of work to come, or worry about things that need focus, but really, in the end, it is the actual success itself that unnerves me so. Give me a sinking ship, and I will save it, and feel fine. But build one, from scratch, that doesn't sink, and I don't know how to handle it.

The architech is done, and nothing went wrong.

The Vote With Your Dollar Fair is finished, as is UBC Responsible Consumption Week and my involvement therein. I want to use phrases like More successful than I ever could have imagined but I have never been so impovrished of imagination. No, the truth is that it lived up to my expectations, that it became what I had dreamt. This was what I wanted last year, this is the result of two years of work, this is good enough. And what I leave behind is a legacy. A real, honest to goodness, legacy.

I was very happy, I woke at 5:30am and didn't stop moving until 11am. Lost, I wandered around, looking for things I had to do until something did and it picked back up again. The Fair wrapped itself up completely by 5:30pm, meaning I had clocked in a twelve hour day. I drank, stroked my ego, got some cheese, and fell unconcious. Literally. I was hanging out with Yuen-Ying and I said I hope you don't mind if I pass out at 8:40pm and did.

Now, now I feel kinda lost again. I've never been good at this part, the after, the success, the party. I can't help but think Well, so what's next? just to leave this uncomfortable feeling of accomplishment behind.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Radiohead - Everything In It's Right Place (song d/l)

Posted by Kurrs at 4:44 AM |

March 23, 2006

Vote With Your Dollar Fair

Posted by Kurrs at 9:22 PM |

March 21, 2006

Leaving On A Jetplane


Originally Uploaded here by flybaby

And with that, a late night and a pained look, he's gone, back upon metal wings to the wasteland of my childhood. To be fair, he is heading towards a veritable metropolis compared to the small town I was a kid in, but the province and climate are right. His presence imposed a complete lack of productivity, and instead we went from movie to felony to party to movie to rest to party. I'll miss him, but at the same time, being able to get anything done would be nice.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: the ringing in my ears from Pendulum

Posted by Kurrs at 12:04 PM |

March 19, 2006

Words And Their Ownership


Originally Uploaded
here by MaD Gi®L•™
Her scent lingers on me, it climbs slowly around the air about me and I catch a moment's rememberance as it passes by on its orbit across my face. We fought, or came as close to fighting as we get. More of an emotional tension that doesn't really involve the other coming up to a knife's edge, or the point of saturation where the room is dense enough with it. Words and their ownership being relatively irrelevant, a difference in perspective and empathy when other things are wearing. Some of them have causes, others don't. I could write poetry across her back about how much she means to me with my fingers, even though my insecurities still run rampant about in my mind, sometimes blurring the issue.

The week has been long, longer and harder than I expected. These things come to come in droves, not that their quantity is unexpected but more that patterns are easy to form. One, two, three, adding a fourth or a fifth happens naturally, one even seeks it out unconciously. Breaking patterns is easier than following them. Humans are creatures of habit, but arguably everything is beholden to inertia. I've reached capacity, and I feel a bit better now that I've let go.


Originally Uploaded
here by slowitdown
My brother is in town, a possibly ill timed event but not something I'll begrudge him for. He's been gone to the frozen wastes of my childhood for four months now and there is a point where one wants to remove the yoke and say enough is enough. Disruptive, to say the least, not because he asked, but more because I make myself obliged. I don't see him very often, so I put aside the huge mound of work to engage in a Stef kidnapping and other disturbences of my internal balance. We're off to Pendulum tomorrow, which is also the start of Responsible Consumption Week. Econometrics and Thesis, the twin damacles swords, continue to hang precariously overhead. I'll manage, I hope.

I am tired, to bed I should go.

Written On: Mother's Computer

Posted by Kurrs at 10:01 PM | | Comments (1)

March 16, 2006

A Good Day


Originally Uploaded here by ennazu

My life is, I am safe to say, better than it ever has been.

Although most are these days, if viewed in completeness.

America's problems are ultimately internal, it is in the self-interest of the rest of the world not to screw with the hegemony.

I am incredibly full, as I went to the Chai Gallery fundraiser tonight.

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor.

I am also very tired.

Ordinal, bitches, you can't do addition with those.

Today flowed well....

It's like you have wings.

Writing will happen another time.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Madonna - Don't Tell Me (song d/l)

Posted by Kurrs at 12:13 AM |

March 15, 2006

Equal Parts Suck and Awesome


Originally Uploaded here by peggy.

An old friend, walked out of the neon fog into the moonlight and greeted me. We talked, like no time has passed, like all true friends do, as if nothing had happened. He called me a close friend and I almost burst into tears. It's nice to actually have people that are like that. That don't require some regular insignificant attention like a parking meter you have to fill, but instead are like stone, weathered only slowly by erosion even in the largest storms. We spoke alot, about violence and change, about profit and success, about the future and youth. He is special to me and I am thankful I haven't lost him.

I wouldn't hold your breath.

There it was, like a punch in the gut. I knew, but knowledge is easier to cope with inside. It being said, being spoken aloud, especially by another, was hard to bear. He stayed out late with me again, long in depth conversations about life and self, leave your judgements at the door. His wife-to-be was furious, but that's hardly new, I'm the old friend that keeps him out and makes everyone worry. Nothing has changed in that regard, and gives me a sense of stability and consistency that I lack. But he knew, and he said it, and the promised tears were left for the walk to my parents house. I didn't fall to the ground, like a discarded plum haired doll, broken upon the vagaries of love, but it was close and wouldn't have been uncharacteristic. This one is slow, it's undertow strong, and I haven't seen the last of it.

Written On: Mother's Computer
Alternative Title: Only A Piece Of Particular Flavour

Posted by Kurrs at 1:16 AM |

March 12, 2006

Talking Around Things


Originally Uploaded here by WomanChild

For no real reason, I miss Dominique something fierce right now. Maybe it ties into how emo I'm feeling today.

The last few days haven't exactly been productive... or cheap. I've done some pretty amazing things (two plays, two dinners costing more than $25), and have more amazing things planned ahead in the next three days (two more plays, one opera). And it falls on the tails of an absurdly productive time period, but when you run off raw adrenaline for over a week without eating or sleeping nearly enough, when you crash you really crash.

A few things need to be done today. Buy a few copies of The Untold Crimes of Insomniacs, set up my printer and print off some receipts and welcome letters, finish writing the welcome package for the Vote With Your Dollar Fair, and move all the latitude and index data into excel and maybe even run a few regressions. Then I need to run off to see my surrogate brother for dinner and then watch some blood, uh, I mean shakespeare.

...

You inform so much of who I am, it's writ across me like we might have been cut from the same cloth, even though we weren't. I want to write about how I still love you, about how I see me in you as well, tropes of motion and speech that still make part of you mine. I want to write about how beautiful you are, and about how it's entirely likely that I'm proud of you, even though I don't know enough to actually have an opinion. What I don't want to say is that I have a hunch, a pressentiment, about your future and if I'm right I'll cry myself to sleep for weeks. But I'll get over it, and it's likely only a handful of people will ever be the wiser. I wish I could see you now, have some part of your life, your present. I know that there's still alot between us and I wish you'd acknowledge that, it would make interaction so much easier. But you don't and you won't, so all of this seems like complaining water is wet, and that's probably why I'm putting it here, instead of actually speaking to you.

Sometimes silence is easier.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Follow You Into The Dark (song d/l)
Currently Eating: Spring Mix Salad with Gala Apple, McLennan's Cranberry Goat Feta, Raisins, topped with Little Creek Vinaigrette.

Posted by Kurrs at 12:55 PM |

Pictures And Sounds


Originally Uploaded here

You should d/l this album I just put up, it is probably safe to say its existence is directly responsible for mine at this point in time.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: The Cranberries - No Need To Argue (Full Album D/L)
Alternative Title: Low On Content

PS> Does anyone want me to put up the other drukqs album?

Posted by Kurrs at 9:22 AM |

March 9, 2006

When I Get Home I'm Totally Blogging This


Originally Uploaded here
I haven't had time to record my life, it's merely been a series of sleepless nights and hungry days, running from thing to thing, frantically thinking that I should get up early because I didn't finish the thing that I was staying up late to do in the first place. This morning has been a bit of a reprieve, I didn't go running and slept in as much as I could. I've whiled it away, doing not enough dishes and generally futzing around on the internet and not accomplishing anything of value whatsoever.

Why don't you get your wife to grab the two of you a table while you're paying downstairs.

It totally threw both of us, the assumption, but sometimes things aren't worth correcting and you just run with it. I wasn't expecting to be there, having fallen asleep on my parents' couch, and then relocating to someone else's and managing to miss a neat feminist film I was planning on seeing with Erin. A marvel of productivity, truly. We wanted to go to Aphrodite's, but it closes at nine. And then I realised that the name of the day was Wednesday and we rushed off to the Chai Gallery. Oh... my.... gods... Roll me home, I'm done. (details: every wednesday they do a buffet-style, all you can eat, all the proceeds to go charity, $25/head, live music night, it's... fantastic beyond almost all measurement)

Strangely, even though I've been working frantically on the business, the play, my thesis, the fair, and econometrics to the point of extremity, it's the moments between that I talk about.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Aphex Twin - drukqs CD 1 full album D/L cue file IDM warning
Currently Eating: Mom's Cookies!
Alternative Title: It's Snowing Again

Posted by Kurrs at 10:55 AM | | Comments (1)

March 8, 2006

Sometimes


Originally Uploaded here by marysson7

There aren't words.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: The Cranberries - Dreaming My Dreams
Was Eating: Chai Gallery on Wednesday OMFGz!

Posted by Kurrs at 11:42 PM |

March 7, 2006

This Is An Update


Originally Uploaded here

It includes words, pictures, and sound.

I am tired, therefore, it will include little other content.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: kwwrr - yghgh artist's site d/l song IDM warning
Alternative Title: Thesis Eat Brain

Posted by Kurrs at 10:00 PM | | Comments (1)

March 5, 2006

Overworked


Originally Uploaded here by Mr. Greenjeans

The way I like it, and I can't stop smiling.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Korn - A.D.I.D.A.S.
Currently Eating: Whole Wheat Wrap w/ White Basmati Rice, Refried Pinto Beans, Aged Cheddar, Clover Sprouts and Corn Relish

Posted by Kurrs at 11:50 PM | | Comments (1)

March 4, 2006

Little More Than Rambling


Originally Uploaded here by citybumpkin

Been awake for 42 hours or so, I've had three naps but that's about it. Not a complaint, more a statement of fact that involves an 11 hour period of working on a presentation I ended up not being able to do. Urg. I'm feeling pretty optimistic though, less of an ideology than a feeling in my case, a pressentiment of goodness.

I think people don't understand just how much of my derision I keep to myself. For the most part, I like people but that doesn't necessarily extend to their actions or thoughts. Not that that's a complaint either, more of an observation. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if a mountain of goodness or a sea of hatred exists behind my eyes, it's what makes it out that others perceive.

I'm off to bed rather shortly, hopefully this message finds you well.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Mirah - Cold Cold Water

Posted by Kurrs at 12:21 AM | | Comments (3)