Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

There it is, devoid of any of that competitive edge, that sensation of overcoming something else, that taste of victory over the other. Instead, it has the weight and emptiness that follows true success, the building of something that cannot be judged by numbers or standings, but instead the density of it flows through your body and being. Its absence, like a huge void that cannot be filled.

I felt like this after World of Quest's End wrapped up, this uncertainty, the phobia and uncomfort that I get when I actually accomplish something great, something worthy, something real. I can't help but be at a complete loss and try to attribute this feeling to a sense of dread of work to come, or worry about things that need focus, but really, in the end, it is the actual success itself that unnerves me so. Give me a sinking ship, and I will save it, and feel fine. But build one, from scratch, that doesn't sink, and I don't know how to handle it.

The architech is done, and nothing went wrong.

The Vote With Your Dollar Fair is finished, as is UBC Responsible Consumption Week and my involvement therein. I want to use phrases like More successful than I ever could have imagined but I have never been so impovrished of imagination. No, the truth is that it lived up to my expectations, that it became what I had dreamt. This was what I wanted last year, this is the result of two years of work, this is good enough. And what I leave behind is a legacy. A real, honest to goodness, legacy.

I was very happy, I woke at 5:30am and didn't stop moving until 11am. Lost, I wandered around, looking for things I had to do until something did and it picked back up again. The Fair wrapped itself up completely by 5:30pm, meaning I had clocked in a twelve hour day. I drank, stroked my ego, got some cheese, and fell unconcious. Literally. I was hanging out with Yuen-Ying and I said I hope you don't mind if I pass out at 8:40pm and did.

Now, now I feel kinda lost again. I've never been good at this part, the after, the success, the party. I can't help but think Well, so what's next? just to leave this uncomfortable feeling of accomplishment behind.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Radiohead - Everything In It's Right Place (song d/l)