Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

Originally Uploaded here by tmak

I don't even remember what started it, or necessarily what the pieces were. Not even necessarily unwanted, either, some things are worth a certain amount of gravitas, those things that sit at the bottom of your stomac and rest upon your forehead. Like a sickness, a general sense of malaise. It probably also has to do with the comedown from Sunday. It's been a hard day.

I don't understand how things are so easy for you. There is a part of me, that puritanical reactionary force that wants to condemn your actions, to connect sex with sin. But who am I to judge the happiness of others? Perhaps your garb of dysfunctional interpersonal mores give you comfort, perhaps that mask is safety for you. You seem to get along fine, why should I be so critical?

I don't know how it will feel when you're gone. It's so soon, yet so far away in my mind. A natural ending, an expected one, but I simply don't know how I will feel afterwards. No matter how good at predicting the actions of others, I remain a mystery to myself in this regard. Too much bias I suppose.

I watched a movie last night, and felt such complete empathy with both of the main characters. One, it made sense: she fell completely so someone so terribly awful for her but it didn't matter, and when it was over, she couldn't let go. Hardly surprising. But, strangely, I felt for the other as well. It was a game, friends that became lovers that became friends. Lost in someone else's eyes. Cold, removed, but not unkind. Rang quite true in this little heart of mine.

I remember a time when I was younger, when I felt everything so strongly that it blinded me. I feel more fully now: wearing sunglasses protects your eyes from damage and damaged eyes can't see so well. I am more... complete... than I ever was before. But it's strange now, the coldness I talked about. It's crept up on me, and now I find myself unable to talk about how I feel sometimes. I've never had this problem before. I held everything down, I was a liar, a counterfeit, but it was all there, underneath the mask. Now, it's like there is distance between me and the way I feel. I can't help but wonder if this is just a new way of being dishonest, that now I merely lie to myself instead of to you. But it's not, I can see it, it's just far away now.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Sigur Ros, Nine Inch Nails, Postal Service, amongs others