Kurrs' Digital Tapestry of Words

Originally Uploaded here by Ed Karjala

I'm listening to a song that was composed after a Sergio Leone marathon. This makes sense, and suits my palate right now.

I miss you, but that sensation is far from useful, as, in some practical sense, I really don't and you shouldn't care even if I did. I just... remember... moments with you, the way you loved me, and I miss it. There some something complete in it, something encompassing, with the reason for its ending lying, I think, deeply in that same love. I could practically hear you breathe the words I won't change for you between the words you spoke to me apologetically.

Things are going well, even if me and my emotions aren't on speaking terms these days.

And, if nothing else, this season this year has been unbelievably gorgeous.

Written On: Tim's Computer
Currently Listening: Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (song d/l, lossless)

Posted by Kurrs at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Parade of Lost Souls was wonderful. I participated more than I attended, due mostly to the elaborateness of my costume. It's wonderful, I love contributing to things that matter to me, with no great loss suffered due to the reduced ability to observe. Hopefully some pictures of me show up on flickr: I'm curious more than anything.

Originally Uploaded
here by lindylu

I'm listening to music that is the future of the 80s. Chip-wave, being female vocals, synths, and game boys. It's marvelous.

My life would be easier if I didn't want to fuck you as much as I do. The circumstances around that are grotesque, approaching objectified necrophilia more than anything approaching affection. A product of some element of the more macabre and self-destructive aspects of my nature, most assuredly. I figure I'll just wait for it to pass, and if you miss me I can't really say I care.

I'm spending alot of time away from other humans, or, in the very least, much reduced contact that usual. While I'm approaching happiness ([bitter]yeah, like as the function approaches infinity[/bitter]), it seems that alot of my mania and mood tend towards inappropriate behaviour. How some people seem to be mostly exempt from that astounds me.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Trash80 - Hologram (album d/l page)

Posted by Kurrs at 9:55 AM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded
here by LadyQ

I don't think there was a single night this week I got more than 6 hours of sleep, and usually it was much lower. I have no one to blame but myself, and I don't regret. Feels good at the time and gets better in the morning, neh? Simple body chemistry alteration that was sustained over the week. Normally coffee once a week, that trend was inverted with the addition of too many non-organic donuts and beer. Refined sugar, caffeine, alcohol, sleep deprivation, and mania. It is unsurprising in the extreme that I'm crashing.

It was alot of fun. Chilling wit the King, some surrogates, a gifted organist, and an attractive violist. Watched The Departed again, ate some burgers, got a dental plan, and watched a musical theatrical interpretation of Ovid's Metamorphoses. All in all, pretty awesome.

Parade of Lost Souls is tonight. I'm stupendously excited.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Danger Mouse - The Grey Album (free d/l)

Posted by Kurrs at 9:56 AM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by Lynn Fagerlie

I feel aggressively buoyant, perhaps what Beth describes as aggressively happy. I'm not happy, not by my own definition, but there is a certain malicious edge to my good mood. I feel like being particularly cruel, I feel like fighting, I feel like laughing as I step all over you. I even feel like the suffering of a particularly satisfying defeat. Hip hop, metal, something abraisive. (The Grey Album is fucking unbelievable)

Today at work, Nick walked right up to me and told me to fuck off. No reason, whatsoever. Just shit-talk. Fuck I love my job. It's not that there is any difference in the amount of bullshit present in my employment that yours, or at least probably not that big. However, here, we're allowed to say Wow, lookit the bullshit. I pity you, and your job that sucks more than mine.

Don't worry, I'm not being perscriptive, you probably couldn't hack it anyways.

I'm also very tired. I suffered intense dreams/nightmares on Monday, and chose to while away the hours last night with Megali and Tillie. Spent mostly indulging in my nasty mood, thankfully they love me for it. That, and being the male mediating their relationship. Gender priviledge n' all that shit.

My pants arrived at MEC, I'm going to go try them on. I am excited.

I need food.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Danger Mouse - The Grey Album (free d/l)
Alternative Title: A Particular Flavour of Scatterbrained

Posted by Kurrs at 5:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Originally Uploaded here by Églantine

I haven't been sleeping well. Half because of bothersome nightmares, half because of sudden social encounters.

My mood is incredibly buoyant, for awful reasons. Haha, evil!

My Chemical Romance sucks.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: MCR (bleck, off now)

Posted by Kurrs at 6:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Originally Uploaded here by kurafire

We'll be single, confused, and emotionally unavailable together. Sure, works for me.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Danger Mouse - The Grey Album (free d/l) genius warning
Required viewing: End of the World Flash Animation (especially if you are to understand why I write shit like "Fire ze missiles")

Posted by Kurrs at 10:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Originally Uploaded here by tmak

You asked me how my weekend was. Time stretches out in front and behind, often I'm not even sure anything happened. Blurring, moving out of focus into the distance. Something is happening, but very little. Social removal, disconnection.

I'm running out of things to say, but I feel so much. Inside, not out. Maybe that's why I'm dreaming so much.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: KoRn - Follow the Leader (album d/l)
Alternative Title: Fire Ze Missiles!
More Alternative Title: Underestimate The Time It Takes To Heal

Posted by Kurrs at 9:55 PM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by Brassy1

Today my blog stopped working. I wrote anyways.

Today I intended to go purchase some clothing. Instead, I got trapped by a wandering group of minstrels. I couldn't bring myself to break their rhythm to get off at the right stop. I stayed on as long as they did, and it was worth every second. I didn't greet them, or even make my appreciation shown. I want to be alone these days, social contact has been limited on purpose. I didn't get to MEC before they closed. I didn't mind.

Today I plan to eat pie and share angst. Not in the same sitting.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: DANGERDOOM - Occult Hymn (EP) (free d/l) weird Hip Hop warning

PS Obviously, the blog is back up. I uploaded all the Fretwork I've been listening too, so scroll to previous entries if you want that. It's three files for the two CDs.

Posted by Kurrs at 8:12 PM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by wiiri

I almost climbed right into bed, and, as I often do, I question the decision I ended up making. I feel disconnected too, heightened by my usual feelings of a lack of worth. There is a part of me that still cannot feel, that does not know my own desires. Some things can break it down, but you are not one. Unshelving is harder than first imagined and, for the first time in quite some, I feel ... lost ... on a topic. Not uncharted, but more simply not knowing where one is. The lack of stimulus exacerbates.

I could write poetry about you, it is merely a matter of time and it comes to my lips. But my feelings, those few that I seem to feel in your presence, I hide away. Perhaps later, love, perhaps later.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Fretwork - Goe Nightly Cares, CD 1 (first half) (second half)
Alternative Title: How Does One Act Without Desire?

Posted by Kurrs at 10:57 PM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by megem519

Today was a good day.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Fretwork - Goe Nightly Cares, CD 2 (download)

Posted by Kurrs at 7:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I dreamt last night. Horror too reasonable to be myth, but too unreasonable to be truth. I am haunted, there is probably no better word for it.

While I am happy with where things are, I am not happy. The persistent paradox that defines who I am. I suppose the truth is that if you spend more than two decades doing something, it's a hard habit to break. The thing to grasp is that it's better, much better.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Fretwork - Goe Nightly Cares, CD 2 (download)
Alternative Title: Sometimes There Is No Picture

Posted by Kurrs at 6:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Originally Uploaded here by Chat In The Hat

You didn't know, you rose to your feet, eyes all haughty and angry, and you didn't know. I had a choice, either be smug, silent, and polite, or slam my knife into your throat. I chose correctly, it would have been a stupid reason to end my life, to leave the realm of the reasonable. The look of shock, the proof, the knowledge transferred in that single action of complete brutality, would have changed everything. The unsaid proclamation of never look at me like that, you don't know who I am. It would have hardly lasted, I would have probably even popped our your adam's apple like a cork from a wine bottle, painting my face with your life's blood as you gasped it out. It would be the only thing that made sense.

That, or become completely catatonic.

I shouldn't be surprised. I felt badly and knew the evening couldn't bear good fruit. I had been haunted by waking dreams, puncutated by the sounds of my steps and the rain about them. Dreams of blood and violence, of retribution inspired by divine madness. I am your progeny, you made this, you reap what you fucking sowed. Every once in a while, they rush at me, visions of something akin to a mix made of betrayal, youth, and violence. And hatred. Inspired by love, or created by it, turned full circle in only the way that love can be, made worse by inadequacy and incompleteness. Yet I left anyways, hopeful for moments of connection that came but lasted but the first minute. I should have left after four, but for the food and the rules of politesse.

You don't know me, I will get under your skin. It's in my nature.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Burial
Alternative Title: A Creature Of Blood And Glass

Posted by Kurrs at 10:31 PM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by It'sGreg

I've got alot of things to think about. Perhaps even years of thinking, albeit it might be more like brooding, which seems productive, if Frank Miller is to be believed.

Like a secret society, I plan to have lots of private meetings about them.

Well, most of them, anyways. Much of it seems to be private education. Just me, books, and a cello, it seems. Mountains to climb. Eventually I'll tire of looking at the peak and set off for it again.

I could write about you, but I won't. Not just yet. Besides, I already have.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Fretwork - Goe Nightly Cares, CD 1 (first half) (second half)

Posted by Kurrs at 6:55 PM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by lukasd2009

I ache, because of work, even after a day off. For some reason, my middle finger especially. Is there humour in that?

I'm melancholy. Not for any particular reason, but merely because I'm more comfortable this way. The sounds of car wheels kicking up water from pavement mixes with the dubstep I've been listening to. It fits nicely.

I've been reading Watchmen, which may be the greatest thing ever written in the comic format. Graham even mentioned that he had never considered that something could be better than Sandman, but I suppose it's possible. If you've read it, you'd understand how it might dethrone the Gaiman epic. If you haven't, I suggest you do so.

I'm going to return to reading.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Burial - Night Bus (track d/l)

Posted by Kurrs at 9:21 AM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by Sabinche

Up then down, shift, shuffle, shift.

I spent last week being unable to feed myself enough. Wednesday and Thursday I ate constantly and still there would be times I would feel so hungry as to be faint. This week I get full rather easily, but keep going to bed really early because I'm exhausted. Sometimes my incredibly high-strung body is annoying, but at least it works well, even if it's cranky and requires alot of upkeep.

Yeah, I still miss her, although that's hardly surprising. I wake up and often ambiently wish she was there too. These things happen, it's not so bad. There was a moment that tasted of myth, of old man winter's back being broken, that occurred to disprove the cultural inheritence of singularity. It doesn't change things, but it certainly makes them bearable, removing their depressing power.

I also find myself in a situation I find mildly terrifying. An odd choice of words, but at least it seems to be mutual. I can practically hear my surrogates laughing at me.

Written On: Mother's Computer

Posted by Kurrs at 5:52 AM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by gravityroom

Sometimes you meet someone that rushes up to the door of your heart and knocks. It feels like being struck. Like somehow they were just always there, waiting to meet you before asking to come in. I remet someone like this again, but I'm not home. Or, more appropriately, she isn't, and that means she couldn't stay anyways. I have had enough of ghosts and apparitions. She might walk with the gravitas of stars, but she's occupied. Hopefully happily so.

I don't miss you. It does not mean I wish you ill, or even think ill of you. In fact, your successes are good, for the world as well as you. It does mean I wish to have nothing to do with you personally. That I don't miss you. At all.

Life is good these days. And it feels good too, which is harder for me. Humans are creatures of intense inertia.

Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Kronos Quartet - Flugufrelsarinn [Live]

Posted by Kurrs at 1:43 PM | Permalink

I'm Taoist.

Have been for some time.

Didn't notice until yesterday.

Written On: Home Computer

PS The last entry wasn't about you. Seriously, I do know people that don't read my blog. Or heck, maybe you all do and are just super-sneaky about it. Damned if I know.

Posted by Kurrs at 10:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Originally Uploaded
here by judyboy

Posted by Kurrs at 1:27 AM | Permalink

Originally Uploaded here by Wiesmier

Today is a good day, much like any other. The last few weeks have been trying, to say the least, but still the days are good. Brother-borne illness, work, flooding, familial hospitalisation, migraines, it is sufficient to make one cry enough! But still, it is a good day. I would prefer more rain to wash the stink away, as smell carries so easily in fall and rain is what keeps Vancouver unpungent.

Today is a good day, much like any other. I do not work for anyone but myself on Mondays, and that feeling is necessary, liberating. Were it not so, I would be lost doing things that mean little more than the transfer of resources. I like my job, I like my boss, but this is not the future, it is simply present. The future is comprised of singular and personal success. My desires are complex, requiring wealth, success, and beauty. I am so very particular.

Today is a good day, much like any other.

Written On: Home Computer

Posted by Kurrs at 10:25 AM | Permalink