Live In The Dirt With Everybody Else
I try. To be careful, to hold my affections close, to grasp them like a light and hide them from you, to trick both the translucence of flesh and the skill of your eyes. But instead... I want... And the moment is transposed. You glow to me and I cannot hold the way I think I should, and find you - in lieu of my secret affections - close. Found there, I try not to whisper how much you matter to me and trace the lines of your ears. My hands and tongue slip only slightly, and you smile which is all the worse. A full red little flower you seem to me, that rests well and warm in my arms.
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I remain uncertain, after years, I sift about in this slightly shifting tide that is my life and constantly wonder why. Not why don't I leave but more simple, more fundamental. Why anything. The certainty, I fought for it, tooth and nail, my entire life. And, peak by peak, I rose the mountain of my own psyche, with each towering and stunning vista. Each lofty plateau a singular realisation of happiness after being spat out into a world that in which I had known none. And then, my love, I fell. I fell into my business, my company, my thesis, my you. You, more than anything. And, together, they fell apart, shattering on impact, into meaninglessness and debt. I had fallen, and from so far. I tried to find my footing, to recover, but when I rose and could see about myself, the mountain was gone. The mountain, that was me, whom fell from itself, was now a forest. But the problem with a forest is that there is no up and no down, no better or worse. I'm changed now. Better, I think, but I do not know myself. And nor do I really know exactly where I'm going.
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Written On: Home Computer
Currently Listening: Beirut - The Gulag Orkestar (album d/l)