A Tale Of Two Days
Yesterday, I woke early and struggled along to my destination with my mythological companion. In some ways, neither of us really exist, maybe that's why she is forgettable and permanent to me. Or perhaps she is from a time before, when I was still myself. When I wasn't falling apart. Maybe that's why I didn't get her a stuffed animal.
I felt like myself again. I burnt, like cold perfect steel, and I cut as I once did. One of the speakers from Bangladesh remembered me from when he spoke at my conference, some many years ago. He said that I had an important voice, and he was glad I still used it. And I didn't want to cry, to weep at my silence for the last four years. Instead, I laughed at the brilliance of it all and about how I am still there. Even after all this time.
The keynotes drove spikes of brilliance and truth into my mind, they made me feel intellectually alive again. It made me feel like I was a part of life instead of merely being swept up in it. They spoke of inertia and certainty and of challenges. The world is changing, those with truth are pulling their punches less. Even if everything is damned, the inspiration I derive from these few is breathtaking. Let the world end, if the world has these brights to show us the way forward.
...
Today, I woke early and did nothing. I struggled to do anything but wish for your presence, to have something that would make me feel less lonely. It is the kind of day that we would fuck away, and I could rise again refreshed. Instead I sink and stew, stumbling from one social encounter to another, trying to bring forth some of the excitement and passion from yesterday. Instead, I state into space, trying not to drive too much awkwardness into the social entanglements I try to engage in.
It's raining. I would cry, but why.
...
This is a process. It requires both dark and light, and the darkness is so very dark and the light is so very bright.
...
I'm having dinner with an old friend. I think I will play video games first.
Currently Listening: Basia Bulat - Run (d/l song)
Written On: Home Computer