Newness (A Light In The Dark)
Originally Uploaded here
This place is a sewer, a black-water processing plant of the mind. Sometimes I question the wisdom of letting you know of it.
It doesn't do an adequate job of portraying the contradictions. Too myopic, it gets the moments in-between, slumped over on transit or against my computer. It doesn't capture the way I feel when your words wind their way through my mind and tighten warmly through my psyche. It doesn't capture the love-making or the carrot-juice. It doesn't capture the series of simple moments that you give to me every time that I see you that make me want to be with you, this you, without foreseeable end. There is some flex there, I don't know how much, but you already know how much you mean to me.
More importantly it doesn't capture the loss of dysfunction. The pipe in my ceiling goes drip, drip, drip in defiance of work done and my professional integrity, but my hallways are free of harassment and threats. Instead, they are possessed of casual conversation and warmth once again. My work-place now possesses a character of forward-thinking and general support and, dare I say it, affection. The pallor of tension and the culture of fear, which hung over everything I did even when not labouring, is completely absent. Piece by piece, I pull myself up and together again. As usual, I am the master of my destiny, for good or ill.
And that is, perhaps, the part you understand the least. Everything about us is something I have chosen, for good or ill. Not perhaps the feelings, or the moments, or the inputs, but my actions have all been my own. I could have left, I could have never engaged, I could have said no to any number of moments. It is what you offer, everything inclusive, that I agree to with every yes. Every single bit of my life is my fault, with very very few exceptions, and this one does not even approach innocence. It cannot even catch a glimpse of it.
I am not an idiot. I realise I may simply be a stepping stone, or a stutter in your steps towards being free and, perhaps, with others to the exception of me. Perhaps it will doom me to solitude, but I won't agree to a falsehood, I won't entrap or settle, which seem the foundation of most sexual relationships, regardless of their exclusivity.
I am who I am, and would be if I had never met you.
Currently Listening: José González - In Our Nature
Written On: Home Computer