My type is funny looking and insanely sexy.
That is all.
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My type is funny looking and insanely sexy.
That is all.
A nervousness set in. I've never been here before. Hit a couple trees, hopped over some streams, but I made it back. Thankfully, I'm not the only person to have trekked out so far. Unthankfully, I've a league match today. The last one, my intent is to make it a good one.
I reread what I wrote you. It was surprisingly cogent, if perhaps a little repetitive and verbose. I guess I fear being misunderstood. I reread what you wrote me, and some questions/comments ring true still. I'm not sure why I reconnect with you, I think it may be really unhealthy. But I love you still, and I do not think that can be helped. I'm terrified of not meeting someone else who matters to me as much as you do.
There is more.
It's obvious I am upset, but it just scratches at my skin when I'm asleep or when you ask. Nervously chewing at the inside of my mouth, waking tired, listless nervous replies to queries of my well being. I do so loathe a lie, information wants to be free, but sometimes you shut your fucking mouth. Let me slip into the forgetfulness of others. Let their own tapestries of justification tighten to a smooth surface, free of blemish.
My life is good. This is hardly a tragedy. It is a funeral for only an idea, for nothing and no one.
Nothing.
And no one.
Currently Listening: Burman - Take Me Away (listen)
You saw it, even though I didn't know it showed. A nervous, conspiratorial smile. The guilt of joy. You know the one. When I don't know, when I don't think, that's how I feel. Then the shutters drop, and I realize that I have let too much slip. The story is mine, and for me alone. There are no other characters, there isn't even an audience. Like a half-forgotten tune hummed by the last person remaining who had even seen the production in the first place. Decontextualized joy. Hollow and strickening, like dust for water.
Whisky, oh, yes, whisky.
Currently Listening: Wendy McNeil - The Sad Sssad Story of Rosa Rabbit and Sasha Snake (download)
Though not very much sleep, it would seem.
I'm craving oblivion very hard right now. Soft wafting undulations, like at a club when you're almost too drunk to be aware. I want bass cannons and obliteration; warm folds of nothingness, bending in on myself. When the sound almost moves to deafen you like the silence of a snowstorm, collapsing in on itself.
Like a star.
Maybe this is what it feels like to get better, like the itching of a wound. I'm flush, feverish, [I remember this feeling] like there are fingers under my skin pulling at my bones [I remember this feeling]. Maybe.
I suppose that's an improvement.
Currently Listening: Rustie - After Light (listen)
I can't shake it. Little breakdowns punctuate my life now, but they aren't multifaceted. They aren't complex.
I was guilty of projecting our past onto our future. It seemed so simple: you seemed like all the rest. An other piece of an elaborate porcelain collection. Precious, but constructed in such a way that our gears didn't match. It was true before.
I believed this myth because it was consistent, because it was easy. I had done so because I didn't want to mess anything up. I still do so because I don't want to mess anything up. I'm doing so because it doesn't make sense.
But I feel you in my bones. I know I'm not supposed to. I have been so focused on base physicality, I had practically given up on real intimacy. Dance as a metaphor falls so flat as to be laughable. It doesn't do it justice. Straining against each other, you tuned me like someone might tune a cello: bent and pulled but not broken. Together we would sing, not like humans, but like so much bone and guts. A fragile balance snapping and music.
You listen like no one I have ever met. You listen with your flesh.
Maybe you'll come out in the salt.
At least I can write again. I wish I could start drinking again.
Sleep will have to do.
The absence of sleep scratches at the inside of my head, like some phantom vermin anxious to escape. I've kept it together surprisingly well. I've been as supportive and understanding as I can. I've been as good of a leader as I can. I've done everything I should. But I'm slowly losing it as the day wears on.
I need sleep.
Currently Listening: Tegan & Sara - Feel It In My Bones (listen)
I feel you in my bones.
What a weekend.