The Naviverse

Roads

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,
In the morning light,
I feel,
No more can I say,
Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,
And surely that ain't right,
Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,
We've got a war to fight,
Never found our way,
Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,
From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.

- "Roads", Portishead

This is the song I am writing this entry to because it feels appropriate.

I am very unsure of what I should be feeling at this present moment. I don't know how I'm supposed to take things and I don't know how to express them.

First off I really don't want to change anyone's view of Colin but something has to be said for the sake of my sanity and justification of the things going through my mind at the moment. Part of this is conformation that it is ok for me to be feeling the way I am because I really don't know. This has never happened to me before.

Here's the deal:

Colin broke up with me two and a half weeks ago on the weekend. He said that I wasn't around enough for him and it was depressing him. I understand that and agree with it. I tried to be around as much as I could but with the distance and our conflicting time schedules it made that very difficult. He said he still loved me but he'd have to get over that. I agreed. I was devastated in many ways because I had just gotten back to a point of really being able to get back into this relationship after it hit some very rocky times. Before this point and this conversation I thought things might have been ok. They were not. Before I left he told me he still wanted to be friends and I was welcome to his house anytime I wanted (to kill time between classes as I had a couple of video games there).

So I left his house that day and landed, thankfully, into the arms of friends where I was able to cope with the event that had happened not a half hour ago and not just withdraw myself completely and become incredibly depressed.

I, a couple of days later wrote him a letter (this was not a strange thing and actually something I really like to do to get all my thoughts out). It didn't get mailed until the weekend, which was my mistake, as I could not get myself to a mailbox before the next weekend to have it probably arrive on Tuesday.

Not that it seemed to matter.

It has been brought to my attention that Colin waited a week (on the dot apparently) before getting into another relationship. First off this was not told to me by him. This somewhat angers me. And I thank the Gods that he did mention it to me because, after I had been told a week after his match-up, I wanted the rest of my belongings that I had left at his house.

I have never been through I more emotionally painful event in my life, save for one. Not only were they going out, but she had basically moved in the same amount that I had after two months. She had toiletries there (and apparently had taken the liberty of using my hair brush in my absence, and I don't know why this angers me so much), and enough clothes that I had to dig through them to find the case to one of my video games. I packed up my stuff as I possibly could and had to severely suppress the urge to destroy the place. Irrational and I think I might have if I hadn't had the warning of her presence. I left his key on this PS2 and tried to decide whether I was more angry or sad as I left (hoping I would run into his Mom or step dad in the process).

Today I have found out who this person he is dating is. I have met her, a few times. She is a girl in cooking class. They have been hanging out since nearly the beginning of the semester. I was ok with that. When I met her I thought she was really nice. We had dinner together, her, Colin and Colin's parents.

Explaining the circumstances is the easy part but the things going on in my mind are just to knotted. I will find out the answer to this question later tonight but, fuck, how long has this been going on for? Did it start when we were still dating? Due to the rapidity of his current relationship I'm fairly forced to say yes. And that simple fact right there, if proven correct, completely destroys whatever good those four/five months I spent with Colin held. It was one base on a foundation of trust and honesty. And they seem to have meant nothing in turn making the relationship worth nothing.

Even if this is not the case I still feel betrayed. Is it possible for one to instantly stop loving someone? Because he must have... either that or he didn't love me at all and lying is something I thought we agreed on as something that should not exist in a relationship. Apparently that meant nothing to him too. God, he didn't even have the courtesy to let me come down from this let alone tell me.

But, do I have a right to be upset? I mean, from that Saturday when he ended it, I was no longer part of that area of his life. Am I allowed to be unhappy about this or am I being stupid because I have nothing to do with the situation anymore and I shouldn't be mad at him (unless he was cheating on me).

Trust. That word keeps coming back to me. That is something that I find vital to a relationship. I give it unconditionally when I've decided I want more from a person than friendship (and occasionally sex). I trust them to tell me what's going on in their head and their heart. They can keep any secrets they want with the exception of those concerning me, especially their feelings of/for me. I know I have the right to this information. I just don't know.

I DO NOT FUCKING KNOW.

Anything else I'd have to say about this right now would be repeating myself. My stomach is growling despite the fact that I have lost all appetite but if I plan on skating tonight I need it. And I need to skate, I need to do something.

Again, this is not a bash against Colin. All I want to try to understand is if the feelings I have are legitimate because I really don't know and I'm not really expecting an answer from anyway. It just needed to be said, in one piece.