http://www.occult.ca/ Copyright 2010 Fri, 26 Feb 2010 22:40:44 -0800 http://www.movabletype.org/?v=3.34 This is an RSS 2.0 file, see: http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss for more info. Kurrs Well, I got my heart broken again. Strangely, this time, I wrote to her directly. Makes the blog emptier than usual. Written On: Home Computer... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/02/well_i_got_my_h.html Fri, 26 Feb 2010 22:40:44 -0800 Beth Originally Uploaded by kavous It's so tempting to tell myself lies. Lies like "I'd just like someone to go home with" but it's not true. I am honest against my own will. I can't just go home with anyone, I... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/01/truth_and_space.html Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:34:44 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereYou have forgotten me, moments of passing consideration perhaps, but your life began to move past mine years ago. Still, to me you remain the most beautiful, the most desirable. A near-perfect combination of weaknesses and kinks, preferences... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/12/considered.html Sun, 27 Dec 2009 21:58:16 -0800 Kurrs Originally uploaded here I had thought I could make it work. It was such a majestic opportunity, given way more than I normally would have. It was not a question of worth or right, but merely one of institutional rigidity... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/12/alive_and_invis.html Sat, 26 Dec 2009 13:10:19 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereThere wasn't much complexity to it, in fact it would probably be best summed up in a bulleted list like groceries. But everything, from the actual tasks, to those I shared them with, to the spaces between and... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/10/yesterday_was_r.html Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:46:53 -0800 Beth I'm a real bitch, too. I just actively fight it when I can, what's your fucking excuse, hmm? I'm also rarely apologetic for it when (not if) it does tear its' way out. To be fair, if it gets out... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/10/roar.html Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:24:55 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by *Honest* I miss you, still. It's different now, of course. I think of you and smile and wonder when I'll see you again, and whether you'll be happy or tense and conflicted. I think we've settled, for... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/10/distance.html Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:23:31 -0800 Kurrs I can hear them now, the thousands of reasons, like a dust storm of tiny razor blades. All of them, cutting my sense of beauty down piece by piece by piece. They differ slightly, from internal to external chemical stimulae,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/with_a_castle_s.html Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:28:27 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by giovdim Oh. You are beautiful, aren't you? I'd almost been able to ignore the fact up until now. Funny how that works.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/09/inconvenient_truth.html Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:04:34 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by giovdim. The music runs through my heart like sandpaper, like mercury, like everything I've ever known and forgotten. I marvel at the eddies and currents as they war against each other and I don't mind the... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/09/conversations_with_nobody.html Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:00:23 -0800 Kurrs So, I'm unhappy. Fuck it.Seriously, there are only two types of people in these sorts of situations. Those who are weak and those who make it work. I want to throw in the towel, and give up, and leave, and... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/so_what.html Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:29:57 -0800 Kurrs Maybe I'm into the wrong things. The sideways glances, the edges of sanity held together by psyche ductape, and the coping mechanisms surrounding these slips, trips, and almostfalls. I became interested at the most inopportune moment, to comedic, albeit still... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/in_the_dark_you.html Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:07:58 -0800 Kurrs runs around office, screaming wordlessly, trying not to smash his face into the desk/wall... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/runs_around_off.html Wed, 09 Sep 2009 10:27:59 -0800 Kurrs There is nothing beautiful to this. All this personal pain, it has no interesting cadence or melody, it can sing nothing to the stars. It is useless and disgusting, half-formed desires and ideas, that stink from partial decomposition. A vomit... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/vomit.html Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:33:39 -0800 Kurrs Please please please let something start going well that doesn't involve pure escapism. Please. Anything. I'm really having trouble with this.... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/please.html Tue, 01 Sep 2009 10:57:29 -0800 Kurrs In this one passing moment, I truly hate my life. I'm hoping this feeling fades. If experience is any indication, this is true. I hold to that derived certainty, because my emotions aren't much help right now.... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/08/in_this_one_pas.html Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:22:51 -0800 Kurrs Maybe if I could have said yes, you wouldn't have left me. I know that you loved me, even without you saying it. And I'm no fool: when you asked to go on adventures, I know you meant "please, stay... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/08/on_a_train.html Sun, 23 Aug 2009 09:06:43 -0800 Beth I'm not okay right now. I'll be fine. I'm always fine. Always land on my feet, have a huge safety net. But I'm just not okay right now.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/08/apologies.html Sun, 02 Aug 2009 16:34:19 -0800 Kurrs I can't lie I miss you Even though I barely knew you Never had you Only wanted to So I miss you And I can't Too bitter For a few moments I My heart gasped and For a few moments... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/07/i_cant_lie_i_mi.html Thu, 23 Jul 2009 19:33:36 -0800 Beth Out of focus floating through heat-drenched currents Arbitrary truths cracking like so many shells flung from on high No soft morsel within They shatter and turn into dust. And I can't breathe. I can't sift through it all Second... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/07/no_answer_required.html Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:08:26 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded Here by **Mary** It's too early for me to write here, but there's a certain shimmer in the air, outside, where I'm not, and it makes everything softer. Maybe that's why you can't breathe; me, I just can't... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/07/drift_1.html Sun, 19 Jul 2009 19:12:58 -0800 Beth I'm going to go make reeds and play new music, but mostly I just want to cry. Stupid people who manage to make me care about them. Yeah. Oboe now.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/06/small_schedule_mishaps.html Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:24:47 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here You warned me, the very first moment you sensed my interest, you warned me. You were straight forward and clear, that you were not to be had in that way. But I persisted, because, in truth I... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/06/perhaps_you_wer.html Mon, 22 Jun 2009 23:00:28 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereI ache everywhere, for various reasons. My legs, my hips, my hands, my head, my heart. It aches. It's hard to find a centre, to affix myself to some position of stability while my body and mind betray... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/06/vacant.html Sat, 06 Jun 2009 13:48:49 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereSleep eludes me of late, the progeny of too many highs and lows. The rollercoaster is indicative, on the whole the lines trends downhill, like the strength of the peaks weighing down with gravity on the average. I'm... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/held_together.html Thu, 28 May 2009 01:07:22 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereIt was slow building, this one. Drunk and migraine, sleep, drunk again, sleep, wedding, and NOW the hangover hits? I suppose it makes sense, in a strange way...I love the way you speak and what you say. I... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/originally_uplo_3.html Sun, 17 May 2009 01:02:25 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here Half-right, the imaginary travel companion isn't imaginary, but the somewhat significant one is apparently local. More sustainable, I suppose. Where have all my grandiose ambitions gone? Were they ever even there? You know, I can't even get... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/ground_into_dus.html Fri, 15 May 2009 00:21:16 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereI've writhed myself into this one. An unforeseen adversary that I twist and turn to avoid, to outmaneuver. But I'm eating my own tail as I strive towards freedom. The more I fight, the more time passes, the... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/loststuck.html Sun, 10 May 2009 20:16:36 -0800 Kurrs Alcohol is wonderful. I hope I'm not too sick tomorrow. Written On: Home Computer... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/i_got_my_wish_m.html Sun, 10 May 2009 03:49:57 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here I want to the world to unfocus, to slide away into deliciously soft edges. I want the warm undulations of electronic basslines, a soundscape to swim through. I want my mind to thud with the same softness... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/i_want_to_fade.html Sat, 09 May 2009 11:44:22 -0800 Kurrs This is what I wanted. Faultless, unstoppable, like the void between the stars. I liked your angles, and for a moment everyone wanted me again. My nastier side wants to make statements of the relative depth of pools, but I... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/emptiness.html Tue, 05 May 2009 20:27:55 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here Three colours dance in my head, an old refrain and a bittersweet mix, like tasting honeyed iron. The hole in my head requires my attention tomorrow, and instead all I want to do is drink and drink... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/05/not_worth_sever.html Sat, 02 May 2009 00:23:42 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here I remember when I used to watch your eyes slowly thread through my words. Sometimes, I wonder if the only things you loved about me were the things you love about yourself. That isn't meant to be... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/04/an_assault_upon.html Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:51:54 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by Amy Mud Pie. Snarl. I am not amiable today. Sleep.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/04/fuck_you.html Thu, 16 Apr 2009 23:30:01 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here I'm sitting, and I want to write. I want to let the paintings in my head become something, anything. Get out, become at least, in the smallest way, more useful than they are now. If I can... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/04/there_isnt_one.html Fri, 03 Apr 2009 11:14:47 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by Flightlessfoofaraw. I have such trouble controlling my use of time. I'm being pretty good right now, getting in the practice time, saying no to extraneous things for the most part (though I've said yes to too... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/04/basic_functions.html Wed, 01 Apr 2009 00:44:48 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by chrysallidis. AAArgh. I am not doing well right now. I am doing well, but not really doing well. Everything is getting accomplished but I feel like shit. Yes it's passing, no I don't care. Fuck. I... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/03/speech_i_had_that_once.html Thu, 26 Mar 2009 21:54:03 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereAnyone who thinks things used to be better is probably just being an idiot.I think I may chase you in my mind for the rest of my life. As usual, I hope I am wrong.You, on the other... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/03/originally_uplo_2.html Sun, 15 Mar 2009 12:57:55 -0800 Kurrs The Amanda Palmer concert was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. It's up there with seeing Ministry live, if slightly less hearing-damaging. :) I had thought I pushed my expectations for how amazing seeing Zoë Keating... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/12/without_guns.html Fri, 12 Dec 2008 09:13:31 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here I'm drunk on work and lyrics, politics and dry cider. The country I live in faces a political crisis of lethargic proportions, and all I can do is listen to Amanda Palmer's solo album again and again... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/12/unravelling_som.html Thu, 04 Dec 2008 19:19:30 -0800 Kurrs I wanted it to be me. I remember the shape of you when I thought it. Appropriately, you were looking away, and I thought it. It burned into my mind as I lazily devoured your skin with my eyes. Rending... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/11/topological_map.html Sun, 23 Nov 2008 22:18:22 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereI'm distracted by memories that whisper to me across the passage of dual chronologic digits. I muse about characteristics forming into archetypes, and who mattered and who I forget, and the all important why. I also just don't... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/11/i_am_hungry_for.html Mon, 10 Nov 2008 22:41:49 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here by JulianBleecker I'm envious of this life. The little routines, the synergies, the respect for human decency. I'm paid well where I am, and I like what I do, but I feel like I work on the... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/11/quicklybriefly.html Wed, 05 Nov 2008 18:17:33 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereSometimes, I forget you.A survival instinct - and those are strong in me - I'm sure, but a little bit more heat than light. Because I can't, really, and I fold into your arms too readily, despite all... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/10/it_shows_throug.html Sat, 25 Oct 2008 07:25:13 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by emiguez65. In my dream everything is falling away from me. I move in soft spirals around the impression you left, deeper than I'll admit even to myself. when I'm furthest away I can almost forget the... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2008/10/spaces_between.html Sat, 18 Oct 2008 01:15:08 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by leesure ...and that doesn't go away.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2008/09/still.html Mon, 29 Sep 2008 00:23:48 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by guano. Sometimes I don't understand myself at all. I can't even write here anymore. I'm lonely, but not for you. I'm just lonely, and I don't have patience for people at all. My house becomes more... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2008/09/withheld.html Sat, 20 Sep 2008 21:55:18 -0800 Kurrs Originally uploaded here We played the serial killer variant of Mafia at the last KMFDM, and it had a wonderfully unexpected result. The joker card was used for the serial killer, and because we couldn't take things too seriously, the... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/09/slowly_closing.html Mon, 08 Sep 2008 20:37:21 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here I'm back, and I'm having trouble remembering the normal routine of things. My body keeps rebelling at not staying up late, and the absence of a handheld console feels like a strange phantom limb. Where are the... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/09/_slow_and_stead.html Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:44:27 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here All my muscles creak and groan, but with the certain softness of flesh. I try, and reach inside myself to find the spine of metal, the brutal iron gears of persistence and find... nothing. Just simply bone,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2008/08/gears_into_musc.html Tue, 26 Aug 2008 22:01:49 -0800