http://www.occult.ca/ Copyright 2010 Sun, 25 Jul 2010 23:43:26 -0800 http://www.movabletype.org/?v=3.34 This is an RSS 2.0 file, see: http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss for more info. Kurrs I want to eat practically all the time. Sadly, I sometimes lack drive to do anything that isn't work or escapism (really, work probably IS escapism, but tomato, tomato). So I'm hungry, and then I get kinda upset, and then... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/07/my_engine_runs.html Sun, 25 Jul 2010 23:43:26 -0800 Kurrs Continue running. Run until your ankles bleed. Run until every ounce of fat slides off your already shrivelled body. Run until you burn the muscles that propel you forward. Run perhaps so that you might sleep. But you don’t,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/07/run_until_youre.html Wed, 14 Jul 2010 10:44:05 -0800 Kurrs Run. Run until it burns. Run until the tops of your feet hurt. Run and challenge and strive until your legs are a warzone of scrapes and bruises and your muscles sit proud and swollen. Run until your entire... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/07/run_like_stars.html Mon, 05 Jul 2010 10:38:41 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by h.koppdelaney. I can't feed the delusions anymore. I feel like most people's sense of self worth is disgustingly bloated. You think you can just have my respect? Maybe a few years ago, maybe then I might... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/06/_originally_uploaded_by_hkoppd.html Tue, 29 Jun 2010 00:28:35 -0800 Kurrs You are so insanely well put together. Your face alone is unstoppable: how anyone can stand before white skin, black hair, pale green eyes, and a crooked nose I will never know. The rest of your body, darling, as... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/06/whispered_befor.html Tue, 22 Jun 2010 22:58:32 -0800 Kurrs Don't photostalk girls who shoot you down, no matter how attractive.Scratch that. The intensity of the warning to not photostalk them should be directly in proportion to their attractiveness. The more attractive they are, the shittier it will make you... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/06/wisdom_for_the.html Thu, 10 Jun 2010 10:23:16 -0800 Kurrs Has it really been that long? Is that it? Is this relentless loneliness now sharing space with a returning sense of self? I struggled, many long years, and every day and every month and every year I lost a little... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/embers_in_the_n.html Sun, 30 May 2010 03:20:52 -0800 Kurrs What do you do with all of this? I was happy with you. Partly because your eyes sparkled and you said you wanted me to be happy. You were strange and beautiful and precious and mine. I was too much,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/my_insides.html Mon, 24 May 2010 20:51:17 -0800 Kurrs Great, now my skeletons are being paraded out in front of me.I am in a sticky position where I might have to hurt a large number of people. Awkward.I suppose I am not capable of being a martyr for causes... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/skeleton_dance.html Sun, 23 May 2010 19:50:32 -0800 Kurrs I like your constancy. You have changed slightly, and I caught a glimpse of you, like corvid heroin you glittered irresistibly for a moment. And then, like before, you shifted: ephemeral like the ray of sun you always were. This... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/the_shape_chang.html Sat, 22 May 2010 00:45:48 -0800 Kurrs I'm tired all the time.My lower left eyelid won't stop twitching.I really need to start doing yoga again, but it is hard to care about one's own well-being while depressed. Vicious cycles and all.Work is good.I'm skateboarding a fair amount.I'm... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/this_too_shall.html Thu, 20 May 2010 13:53:38 -0800 Beth Originally Uploaded by rodders Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry for hours. Sadly I'm no longer young enough to be able to stop thinking of the time I'm wasting whilst I'm doing this. At least when I... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/05/an_exercise_in_backwards_think.html Wed, 19 May 2010 00:22:20 -0800 Kurrs I really must update my person-to-topic blacklist. Some people can't think rationally about certain topics and should not be engaged as if they can.I'm totally unwilling to appeal to people's emotional sides to have them believe something. I want them... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/blacklist.html Thu, 13 May 2010 12:51:01 -0800 Kurrs One late autumn night, the disciple awoke crying. So the master asked the disciple, "Did you have a nightmare?" "No." "Did you have a sad dream?" "No", said the disciple. "I had a sweet dream" "Then why are you crying... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/one_late_autumn.html Sat, 08 May 2010 11:52:42 -0800 Kurrs I remember a night in Berlin. It was much like the rest of my time in Berlin, squeezed into too little time with too little sleep: a whirlwind of black clothes, cheap beer, sweat, futons, and parks, dovetailed with sunrises... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/recursive.html Fri, 07 May 2010 12:07:56 -0800 Kurrs Current situations force him into compromise and placing his own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.I can taste it. It is a strange sensation, but I can, at the bottom of my throat, possibly lower, in that... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/repitition_is_t.html Thu, 06 May 2010 09:26:47 -0800 Kurrs I should have know, but for some reason your future is shrouded from me. Now, you’re like everyone else. But it was never true, I was never like anyone else. I merely had one of my senses robbed from me,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/05/three_into_none.html Sat, 01 May 2010 10:34:39 -0800 Beth well, Fuck that. FUCK that. fuck it. fuckity. fuck. fuck. Oh well. I wasn't going to sleep anyways, and I suppose this will increase my likelihood of sleeping better in the near future. Fucking hell, who'd I think I was... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/04/whatever.html Wed, 21 Apr 2010 04:52:31 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereI don't want to fall into someone right now, I don't want to lose myself when I have so very little. Even though it is small, it burns, like an ember, and every bit of kindling I toss... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/04/of_snakes_and_f.html Mon, 19 Apr 2010 00:58:56 -0800 Kurrs I miss you. Written On: Home Computer... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/04/a_moment.html Tue, 13 Apr 2010 22:23:57 -0800 Kurrs For the first time, I didn't fix it. Written On: Home Computer... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/04/i_got_my_wish.html Mon, 05 Apr 2010 12:05:58 -0800 Kurrs Is this what happens when two broken people entangle? I thought I had ample experience in this regard, but, day by day, it gets worse. Now only profanity and silence remains. The truth is that your trials lack depth,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/04/zero.html Sun, 04 Apr 2010 15:49:05 -0800 Kurrs Yesterday, I woke early and struggled along to my destination with my mythological companion. In some ways, neither of us really exist, maybe that's why she is forgettable and permanent to me. Or perhaps she is from a time before,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/a_tale_of_two_d.html Sun, 28 Mar 2010 15:58:28 -0800 Kurrs No matter the depression that haunts my steps and bed, that saps the joy and colour from my waking and sleeping hours, that causes me to weep and moan and struggle: my mantra remains the same. Talk to me... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/talk_to_me_in_a.html Mon, 22 Mar 2010 20:46:13 -0800 Kurrs I began to show my wear and tear, working even though I didn't have to, knowing that I would just sit at home and do nothing if I didn't. By the end of that day, I had lost all the... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/life_is_hysteri.html Sat, 20 Mar 2010 22:53:05 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded here This place is a sewer, a black-water processing plant of the mind. Sometimes I question the wisdom of letting you know of it. It doesn't do an adequate job of portraying the contradictions. Too myopic, it gets... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/newness_a_light.html Sat, 20 Mar 2010 10:23:05 -0800 Kurrs I don't want to write tragedies with my steps, but those are the ones I know. The rhythm and cadence of that music is what moves me, what I move easily to. Everyone has said the way - the steps... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/a_familiar_danc.html Thu, 18 Mar 2010 22:40:55 -0800 Kurrs My world spins like a whirly-gig, with my emotional and physical health at the centre, spun right round , twisted into misshape. It, the combined emotionophysical landscape of self, wants to get off and throw up. I need more sleep,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/topsy_turvy.html Tue, 16 Mar 2010 18:08:23 -0800 Kurrs There it is, a little death, appropriately named. There are many times where this has felt similarly, with my heart rising into my throat with uncertainty and panic, but this one I seem to be able to reason through. I'm... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/apt_silence.html Mon, 15 Mar 2010 23:59:07 -0800 Beth I can't speak about you yet. you fill me with a soft warmth lasting and without fear I think I might trust you, already.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/03/post_4.html Sat, 13 Mar 2010 22:50:15 -0800 Beth rain. rain and my sanity softly seeping back through the ground. solid and whole and drenched in years of droplets everything is held together the moisture dripping through my memories soft and warm rain and the sea crashing against the... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/03/rain.html Sat, 13 Mar 2010 22:49:45 -0800 Kurrs I can't help it. Stars. There were stars there. Patient but persistent adoration, cut short by presentiments of betrayal. It was hard, to have the sun turn towards me, only to be removed. My prophecy complete, she had broken my... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/03/emotionally_irr.html Thu, 11 Mar 2010 00:24:49 -0800 Kurrs Well, I got my heart broken again. Strangely, this time, I wrote to her directly. Makes the blog emptier than usual. Written On: Home Computer... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2010/02/well_i_got_my_h.html Fri, 26 Feb 2010 22:40:44 -0800 Beth Originally Uploaded by kavous It's so tempting to tell myself lies. Lies like "I'd just like someone to go home with" but it's not true. I am honest against my own will. I can't just go home with anyone, I... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2010/01/truth_and_space.html Thu, 14 Jan 2010 00:34:44 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereYou have forgotten me, moments of passing consideration perhaps, but your life began to move past mine years ago. Still, to me you remain the most beautiful, the most desirable. A near-perfect combination of weaknesses and kinks, preferences... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/12/considered.html Sun, 27 Dec 2009 21:58:16 -0800 Kurrs Originally uploaded here I had thought I could make it work. It was such a majestic opportunity, given way more than I normally would have. It was not a question of worth or right, but merely one of institutional rigidity... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/12/alive_and_invis.html Sat, 26 Dec 2009 13:10:19 -0800 Kurrs Originally Uploaded hereThere wasn't much complexity to it, in fact it would probably be best summed up in a bulleted list like groceries. But everything, from the actual tasks, to those I shared them with, to the spaces between and... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/10/yesterday_was_r.html Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:46:53 -0800 Beth I'm a real bitch, too. I just actively fight it when I can, what's your fucking excuse, hmm? I'm also rarely apologetic for it when (not if) it does tear its' way out. To be fair, if it gets out... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/10/roar.html Tue, 13 Oct 2009 23:24:55 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by *Honest* I miss you, still. It's different now, of course. I think of you and smile and wonder when I'll see you again, and whether you'll be happy or tense and conflicted. I think we've settled, for... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/10/distance.html Fri, 02 Oct 2009 16:23:31 -0800 Kurrs I can hear them now, the thousands of reasons, like a dust storm of tiny razor blades. All of them, cutting my sense of beauty down piece by piece by piece. They differ slightly, from internal to external chemical stimulae,... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/with_a_castle_s.html Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:28:27 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by giovdim Oh. You are beautiful, aren't you? I'd almost been able to ignore the fact up until now. Funny how that works.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/09/inconvenient_truth.html Sat, 26 Sep 2009 22:04:34 -0800 Beth Originally uploaded by giovdim. The music runs through my heart like sandpaper, like mercury, like everything I've ever known and forgotten. I marvel at the eddies and currents as they war against each other and I don't mind the... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/09/conversations_with_nobody.html Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:00:23 -0800 Kurrs So, I'm unhappy. Fuck it.Seriously, there are only two types of people in these sorts of situations. Those who are weak and those who make it work. I want to throw in the towel, and give up, and leave, and... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/so_what.html Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:29:57 -0800 Kurrs Maybe I'm into the wrong things. The sideways glances, the edges of sanity held together by psyche ductape, and the coping mechanisms surrounding these slips, trips, and almostfalls. I became interested at the most inopportune moment, to comedic, albeit still... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/in_the_dark_you.html Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:07:58 -0800 Kurrs runs around office, screaming wordlessly, trying not to smash his face into the desk/wall... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/runs_around_off.html Wed, 09 Sep 2009 10:27:59 -0800 Kurrs There is nothing beautiful to this. All this personal pain, it has no interesting cadence or melody, it can sing nothing to the stars. It is useless and disgusting, half-formed desires and ideas, that stink from partial decomposition. A vomit... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/vomit.html Wed, 02 Sep 2009 00:33:39 -0800 Kurrs Please please please let something start going well that doesn't involve pure escapism. Please. Anything. I'm really having trouble with this.... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/09/please.html Tue, 01 Sep 2009 10:57:29 -0800 Kurrs In this one passing moment, I truly hate my life. I'm hoping this feeling fades. If experience is any indication, this is true. I hold to that derived certainty, because my emotions aren't much help right now.... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/08/in_this_one_pas.html Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:22:51 -0800 Kurrs Maybe if I could have said yes, you wouldn't have left me. I know that you loved me, even without you saying it. And I'm no fool: when you asked to go on adventures, I know you meant "please, stay... http://www.occult.ca/kurrs/2009/08/on_a_train.html Sun, 23 Aug 2009 09:06:43 -0800 Beth I'm not okay right now. I'll be fine. I'm always fine. Always land on my feet, have a huge safety net. But I'm just not okay right now.... http://www.occult.ca/thenewblack/2009/08/apologies.html Sun, 02 Aug 2009 16:34:19 -0800