The Edge of the Internet

Worked sucked today. It took forever to end and the temperature was maddening. Working on an island has few benefits, the humidity just saps your strength. I think I’m flattening my feet and will need to buy new boots soon. No matter how I hold my hands money always manages to slip through the fingers.

Having returned to my base camp after romping my way through blog world followed by a cleansing wash of on-line comics I was puzzled to find a posse of mushroom police trampling the place. My meagre belongings were tossed about and the tent was swaying with their movements. You can’t help but desire that Yoshi should have eaten them all in a Godzilla fit by now. Alas no.

“Hello what’s all this?” Turned out to not be a good opening line. Two midget storm troopers wearing VPD-esque uniforms fresh from a bus incident had me kissing the grass with my hands zip tied behind me before I could say magic mush…

I met a Detective Sergeant Spears and Inspector Saward them. They were nice enough, diligent in their good cop, bad cop stand up comedy act. Seriously how do you not snicker at mushroom-headed people trying to interrogate you? That’s when things got bad. The constable was sure to get a fresh metal for finding Wario’s rifle in my sleeping bag.

The Inspector was looking for an Oscar when he said, “You’re nicked son.”

Shit, I really hate the Internet, and it knows it.

A year back just to see what would happen I made a story up to tell some of my co-workers. It went like this.

“At coffee last night my friends and I were comparing what we thought were the three greatest things in the universe. Most of the answers were arty like ‘Fresh flowers from a lover’ or ‘Baby laughter’ Some where historic like ‘The Printing Press’ or ‘The creation of the condom’ I would smile or roll my eyes. Then I was asked what my list was. I answered.

1 – Coffee, and for me that must be served with a cigarette.

2 – Comfortable seating. Which drew a laugh, but if you work on your feet for eight hours a day you will agree with me that sitting for a spell in a really comfortable seat is one of the greatest things to do.

And last.

3 – Woman randomly, spontaneously playfully spanking each other. This brought laughter and looks of doubt. I qualified. “You're walking to the bus stop one day or waiting in a line and it’s a gloomy, rainy day, when suddenly two woman start giving each other playful smacks on their rumps with that sexy squeal woman do that most men love so well. Tell me honestly that that would not perk up your day?” Sure enough none could deny that that would not boost their moral.

A few days latter I showed up at work looking glum and downtrodden. A few of my female co-workers noticed this and surprise, started playfully spanking each other to cheer me up. I smiled.

The next day I showed up at work looking glum and downtrodden.

My habit calls I’m going for a smoke.