Originally uploaded by h.koppdelaney.
I can't feed the delusions anymore. I feel like most people's sense of self worth is disgustingly bloated. You think you can just have my respect? Maybe a few years ago, maybe then I might have given you the benefit of the doubt, but not now.
I feel as though I've regressed. I don't feel like I can play my instrument, I don't feel like I can make it sound good or even close to where I would feel comfortable playing in public. I know I've improved but it's not enough. It's not enough and if you give me some bleeding heart platitude about how I'm probably being too harsh on myself I swear I'll break your face.
Why the fuck do people say that? You have to be that hard on yourself or you'll just coast and never make any improvement. Maybe you think only the super talented should succeed and you're reinforcing your belief by quitting before you try too hard.
I feel like I'm fighting my way up from bottom of the class towards an impossible goal and all I want is to play in a good orchestra and be paid moderately well for it. And I am, realistically, doing just that. There are so many amazing talents just breezing past me, and it's both inspiring and deadening. I try so fucking hard. I try and I try and I still feel like I sound like shit.
Ah fuck it. Sleep.
