Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by *Chris.

What do you do when everything you know is gone?
You start over.

Motion, art, life, death, love, picture, frame.

My first instinct is to cover the process and pronounce it a sucess in certain ways. My strength, if I have one, is my belief in forward motion, but sometimes skipping the process isn't such a good idea. Perhaps I can work backwards from my assertation of acheivement. I paid a small sum of money in order to take an audition that was three weeks away, I got the excerpts and practiced them like crazy, I've learned them well, but they are not up to my standards for public airing, let alone an audition, however, the fact that I learned them this quickly and have been this driven is worth the money, therefor I do not feel that it is a failure.

Step back. I'm horrified that I haven't met the deadline I set; this is twice in a year, or once if you actually think of new year's as a marker of a year. I am not a person who sets herself up for failure. I set goals and reach them, yet twice I have set unreasonable goals and not acheived them. Why is this?

I'm reaching further than I have before? Yes, true, but that, in and of itself, does not explain the failure. Ignorance, both times, I realize, is the answer. Yet how am I supposed to know everything? I can't. I can know a lot, and a lot more than I do for sure, but not everything. I suppose this is a failure, and I should admit it, even though it has had positive side effects.

A part of me still wants to take out the oboe tomorrow and play till my lips bleed, but I'm pretty certain that they still wouldn't be ready for tuesday. I might anyway though, just in case. I mean, I don't have to call till monday.

Everytime I watch or hear something that moves me I fall a little backwards, or at least that's how it feels. It's as though all my life I've been told how modern everything is, and now I'm unlearning it all and discovering just how old every single human experience is.

I wish I was where you are right now again...

I begin to feel a little of what I am capable of. I'm responsible for doing something with my life, odd, I always felt I wouldn't know what to do. Sometimes I don't. The things that come naturally to me.....well, the things that don't I chase. funny, how that works. I'm a little saddened that I like a focus on achievement over love or romance, but I do. I used to feel differently......but that doesn't really matter, it was a long time ago to me.

I don't feel like talking. I feel like curling up into a dark green and waking to bright sunlight, but I'll probably colapse into red and wake up to my alarm instead.