grarr.
Occasionally I get so hungry that I make ridiculous amounts of food. Today was one of those days. I cooked two big heads of broccoli in cheese sauce with a topping of parmasan, butter and bread crumbs, a yam, and a huge salad consisting of beet pickles, dill pickles, celery, sprouts, carrots parsley and cherry tomatoes. I am so very, very full. I almost started making bread and chicken stock before I realised that it was almost ten and I am already running on too little sleep. Tomorrow morning I make reeds, practice and catch up on readings. I might have time to vacuum if I'm lucky.
The strange concrete sculptures that used to live near the music building have migrated, and although the one in the garden near the library looks quite happy, the others aren't quite as lucky. When I left today I noticed the umbrella and the multicoloured wall were in a heap by the trash can. No one I've talked to seems quite as sad as I am about this, but really, I'd grown so attached to the ugly little things that I almost took the umbrella home. Only the thought of carrying it on the bus stopped me..it really does weigh quite a bit.
I've been very concious of where I stand lately, in relation to people I'm friends with and people I deal with at school. I tend to assume too much, even though I always feel as though I'm not; I round edges and sometimes make bridges that don't cross anything, or are quite a bit too short. It's hard for me to tear them down, but good, I think. Honesty in one area makes me suspicious of others, and lately I've been reawakened to the fact that I am still very, very far away from playing in a professional orchestra. I've had a week where none of my reeds work, a week where technical difficulties have made themselves incredibly public, and a week where I disgusted myself by using the 'I'm tired' excuse.
Tiredness might take a sparkle out of a performance, but if the piece is there technically, it won't fall apart just because of a lack of sleep. I refuse to become just another failed musician, I refuse to be defeated by the number of hours in a day; I will get up earlier, I know I'm capable of it, I just haven't been pushing hard enough is all. I don't practice enough, I get an hour a day tops right now, and I miss days. I haven't got a real schedule happening for either reedmaking or practicing. I'm taking on more music than I can probably handle, and my classes are suffering. Most professionals I've talked to comment that they had way more time to practice during university than they do now. I need to work out a schedule and actually stick to it. I can't go around sounding like crap if I expect people to take me seriously. Things need to change.