it's nice to see you on an upswing for once.
I made my own version of vegan stew tonight, is very tasty, and am in the process of making bread and chicken stock. I've got my equilibrium back again, and it's nice. As usual, I hadn't noticed exactly how much my focus was off until it came back. This is, in part I think, why I typically go for long periods of time where I don't allow myself to get close to anyone; I know exactly how much I...well, obsess is the only word that fits. I know that suddenly reason takes a backseat to want, and usually the only thing that continues to be above that is practice, and that only barely. Every moment is filled with an intoxicating mix of emotions and I become needy to an extent that I'm not entirely comfortable with. This is what I mean when I say I'm afraid if I show my love you won't want me, this is why I go for years and not weeks or months inbetween relationships. This is why sometimes the only way to leave someone is to never speak to them again. I got lucky this time, really, and perhaps that's why the air is wonderfully clear again so soon.
I was complimented on my playing yesterday by two people I really respect - an unexpected and much appreciated esteem boost. It's funny, but it always takes me a really long time to relax around people I go to school with. I've finally managed to relax enough that I can enjoy the company of most of the people in the band...it was nice to see so many familiar faces from Kwantlen too. People who I know I'll keep seeing as we go on in our careers. Odd, the way most drop off the face of the earth while a very few keep going. Odd that I'm one of the ones that's keeping going - I always felt I was the hack, the 'not quite good enough' one, but plenty of people who were much better than me have disappeared.
I had breakfast around 1pm after playing the cello for an hour or so in the morning. I am continually amazed by the differences between the oboe and cello playing. After practicing the oboe I tend to speak quickly and efficiently, clipping my words in the same way I used to after riding dressage; after the cello I speak softly, with more space between my words, considering each sound before letting it escape the barrier of my teeth. I made the mistake of talking to another cellist after a concert of oboe playing - I spoke too quickly, the adrenilin from the performance making slow pleasantries uncomfortable and akward, we managed to comunicate, but the instrumental gap was definately amplified.
The girl who was serving was new and had amazing tattoos almost everywhere I looked. She made my mocha with so much chocolate that I couldn't taste the coffee. Odd, I felt almost as though we were flirting.
