a moment to eat and wander
I've reached the point where I usually collapse in a heap and give up. I am physically exhausted to the point where my hand shakes picking up a glass, yet somehow I'm still going to record my oboe playing today. I have rough notes on all my essays but no drafts, my topic has disintigrated into a pile of ashes for one of them and my project is non-existant. Tonight I'm going to a concert, tomorrow I'm writing like my life depended on it, then going to rehersal, then writing more. Thursday the essay that is blowing across the surface of my pitted mind is due. For the life of me I can't see through the ashes and honestly, all I'd like to do is curl up in a corner and listen to the rain.
There have been moments of clarity, and it's not that the feeling dissappeared so much as I don't even have time for that. I am so tired. I want to see people, but at the same time I don't want to because I know if anyone offers a moment's rest I'm done. I need to keep going or I'm not going to make it through this. I'm drinking coffee to stay awake, which, for me, says quite a bit. I can't interact with people unless they're either very important to me or I concentrate very hard on being polite - all my hard edges are showing, as well as my akwardness. I walked into a hat store and the guy who was working there asked me how I was doing....I stood there and almost told him everything before I realised it would have been inappropriate...eventually I left and he almost followed me out of the store with a 'have a nice day' that sounded like a question.
I need to go to a rehersal..