Random Thoughts

It's a feeling I recognise, and because I know it, it's not quite as strong, but it's still there. A combination of I just want to curl up with you and a sadness that I can't shake. Mostly baseless, it doesn't really spring from any solid thing that I can change, and so is disgustingly hard to shake. I used to feel like this when I was on birth control pills sometimes, but before that too I think - I think the pills just amplified it.

I have a bunch of little guilts and worries going around, my cat brough fleas into the house because I forgot his stuff this month, so I need to buy some of the horrible stuff to get rid of them, I need to do stupid amounts of readings to get ready for the stupid first year exam, and I'm almost ready not to - I'll still pass, I just have no energy for that course, I also need to review for Marshall's course, which I am determined to do well in, and well, I suppose there is the one decision that I still haven't made about this summer. It might be made for me, which would almost be nice, but at the same time... ugh. I really am upset at the idea of missing this entire summer. There are so many wonderful things planned, and even with the two courses I would still be able to spend so much more time with people, which would be nice. I'll miss out on wreck, I won't be able to do catfish, although Alexis has decided she'll still go ahead with it, and I'll be leaving somewhere that really feels like home.

If I get in I will go though. It's too good an opportunity to pass up, but I sure will miss the people here. Ugh. I hate having things undecided like this. I wish they would let me know so that I can stop trying not to be worried about it.

I'm second guessing my decision to go right into grad school after I finish as well. I'm so afraid that I won't be good enough by the end of next year to get in anywhere, and while I know you can keep auditioning...I guess I'm just scared that I've spent all this money, and all this time, and I might end up not being able to get any job. My teacher was really worried that I wasn't getting at least an education degree.

...my first teacher, Marea, who is, in my opinion, an excellent player, still hasn't landed a job in an orchestra. She's teaching at kwantlen and doing auditions. There's nothing for it though, I chose not to have a safety net in the first year of college because I know that if you have one you end up landing in it without fail, so there's no reason to change that now. I just wish this feeling would go away so that I can be productive without feeling like I'm going to implode.