Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by Littleboyfound.

It's been a soft morning of music, studying and muted loneliness. I recently talked to my mother; she comments, as though it was something unusual, I'm always lonely. I wanted to shout Of course you are, so am I but she's more fragile than I am, exactly as fragile as I am, and she loves me, so I can't yell without hurting her. She asks me to understand; you know what it's like... and I reply I can't know what it's like, I'm not you. And yet I sympathize, and I have a feeling I might know what it's like in time.

Every night I dream, waking and not; stories that make me cry in way I'd forgotten. They're not past, future, or even present, but they still are, and I wouldn't ask them to go. I don't tend to do things that make me miserable for very long, and yet it's not because I don't want to, it's some other thing, maybe it's within me and maybe in circumstance, but I always fall out of things that don't work; I'm glad, as I've seen people who don't, and I'd not take their place. I often really want the things that don't work for me though, but I think it's just a misunderstanding between my understanding and my emotions. My emotions simply give me hints, and I have to interpret, and sometimes there's more than one interpretation.

I'm bothered by catch all definitions, I'm bothered by the fact that I tend to group behaviours into boxes with labels, and that I feel the need to put each person I know in a box. I don't want to do it, and yet I find myself doing it time after time. Why? I suppose we..need?..certain guidelines, but I don't like a lot of the ones we have, and yet they're the ones we have as a group, heaven forbid I use the word society, but whatever term you use, there are things that are considered acceptable I suppose. I don't like the response to other though, I'm sick of it, and it's in every group of people I know, perhaps not in every person, but we do form little tribes, and the face paintings of those people, over there, are different, and laughable, or maybe scary. I suppose it's ancient, I suppose it's all been studied before, but that doesn't mean I have to be a part of it on those terms. I had lunch with a bass clarinettist who laughed at me and said maybe you'll completely reconstruct the genre. I doubt it, I'm not so radical, but I wouldn't mind just being able to be quietly different without feeling completely lost.

Tonight I go to two parties, tomorrow I play in puddles, next week I see Waiting for Godot, Macbeth and write an exam. I am spoiled beyond belief and actually feeling pretty good.