Random Thoughts

Beth has a crush on a giiiiirl!

Your comment about 'having to turn sexualization off for women as well' reminds me of a recent-ish conversation with Sika - She told me her mom had once remarked that it must be harder to be bisexual, because you have no one 'safe' and non-sexual in your life. Since then, Sika has been desexualizing all her friends to an extent in response, to have a 'safe' place. I've also found this to be a problem, and have made elaborate and shifting rules about who is 'off limits'. It's all confusing.

Don't worry, I find same-sex relationships confusing still. I expect the whole situation will become clearer to you as time elapses.

But what about guy friends? I mean, I don't think of any of my guy friends as potential sexual partners, but this goes back to a disagreement we had a long time ago about taking control of thoughts and actions as apposed to acting on impulse. And my approach to relationships is very different, too. My first question is "Would I want to spend all my time with this person, and could a relationship with them potentially last forever."

It's pretty intense, but truth be told, I don't like dating. Or at least the idea of it. (Even though I've never really... dated... per se.) The terrible in-between stage. Either I'm fully committed, or not at all. Anything else is just a waste of my time. So that, in the end, (personal religious beliefs aside) the sex or sexuality of the individual is completely secondary and has no effect on how I see or treat other people of either sex.

It's not so much of a considering either male or female in regards to relationshipy stuff - this is very hard for me to articulate clearly - also, I don't act on impulse, I just note my impulses when I have them, a sort of blip in my 'notes to self' section, if you will. I act on a mixture of impulse and caution, in that I'll be aware of reoccurring desires, consider them, and decide whether or not acting on them is something that I want to do. I make mistakes, like everyone, but it's not a whimsical thing at all, though I allow myself to feel as though it is from time to time because I enjoy the feeling of it.

I don't consider people as potential life partners at all, which might be a little odd, but somehow I'm much more comfortable just accepting that I love these people now, in particular ways, perhaps a friendly way, perhaps a romantic way, perhaps something inbetween. Sex is mostly connected to a romantic urge with me, although I will occassionally remark that someone is hot etc., that doesn't have anything to do with me wanting to be with them in a romantic way - it's so hard to put this in a clear way.

As far as the change in interactions, it's sortof like the first time I actually fell in love - I suddenly realized how much Mike had loved me, which wasn't something that I'd really thought of before, yknow? So I'm attracted to this girl, and she's also very intelligent and sweet, and I'd be just as happy never to become romantically involved if I can just be able to interact with her occassionally, but having this attraction I suddenly heed it a bit more when, say someone like Navi (who you've met briefly?) bites my ear or something - or when female sexuality comes up in discussion, I'm involved from a slightly different perspective, and things that I veiwed from a removed, uninvolved standpoint are suddenly a little closer - nothing has really changed, per se, but I've taken a step sideways and the same old discussion topics take on a new light - really that's what it is, a slight perceptual shift, and although I'm ok with it, it's kind of unsettling from time to time.

(edited for clarity)