Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by Kevin.

Woke up smiling. nothing like a day of darkness to make the next day beautiful. Today has been more productive than the entire last week, tomorrow will be city scouring, walking, job search dancing, and no internet. I'll bring it back up sometime next month, but I need a dry spell for real and imaginary reasons.

My new upstairs neighbour is slightly different from the house norm. She's been here two days and she remembered my name today and I'm letting her use my recycling box. Haha.....she'd better sort her stuff....
My other long time house mate got all excited because he finally got to see my hair colour (he'd seen the dying process, which happened in the back yard). I dunno, hopefully the status quo holds up, I can't have my asocial space turning too social. Perhaps I'll start breathing fire at them randomly....course I'd have to learn how first.

I'm going out to sanctuary tonight, first time in a while, don't really feel like dancing, but I know I will once I get there. I'm debating doing crazy colours like I always used to. Gothyness is too easy to costume now, and I feel somewhat colourful. Perhaps a mix of sorts. I have this growling urge to see Rob Zombie. hehe. His posters make such good backgrounds for mine, yknow? Although, he might have come and gone seeing as I never looked at the dates.

Also Greek music. Can you say next research/playing project? mUAhahaha. yes.

Posted by Beth at 6:39 PM | Permalink

Originally uploaded
by azredheadedbrat.

When I'm like this I shouldn't be around people. It's not that I'm angry, or violent, or anything like that, but I feel desperately lonely in the way that isn't loneliness at all, and I recognize that. I lost myself, off and on, for two years to that. longer before that but I wasn't using someone to make me forget every night then. Before it was books, then internet. People aren't acceptable as crutches for this sort of thing. It's a touch of that old worry, different this time because everything really will be alright, but it still makes me want to shut down, curl up in a ball and cry. I wouldn't be visiting in a crowd of people, I'd be blocking out things that need to be done, punishing my future self for no reason other than a short lived desire for oblivion.

I probably shouldn't be listening to tool right now either.

I managed to practice quite a bit today though, despite everything, and ate two breakfasts in good solid company before that. I suppose it's not people that I shouldn't be around...just social events...they tend to tear at me in a way that really starts to tell after a while. Just the same, I spent most of the day alone. Tomorrow will be better. I used to want somebody for this particular reason. I'd want somebody to fold into and forget myself in, someone who would hold me for hours of depression...but now I'd rather just not put someone through that. I can bloody well take care of these little monsters myself. I still think though, secretly, how nice it would be. A tendancy towards weakness doesn't mean it has to exist.

I want to sing the kind of music that tears from your soul and leaves you a sodden pile of twigs and leaves in some muddy ditch. I can't help but feel, occasionally, that maybe I really do put too high a value on happiness, on fun, on enjoyment. I don't believe that I do, but sometimes the criticism feels sharper than others, sometimes I know it'd be easier if I did the things you're supposed to do, coloured inside the lines...but I'd be miserable. It wouldn't be a shadow that sometimes comes and covers everything, it'd just be a dull, grey, lack of life. It's hard to remember right now though.

Posted by Beth at 10:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Originally uploaded by * Toshio *.

It has occurred to me that I have taken public transit whilst carrying a dead chicken before. Granted the chicken was cooked and in a bowl, but still - there is nothing odd about it. not at all.

A monk asked Kegon, "How does an enligthtened one return to the ordinary world?" Kegon replied, "A broken mirror never reflects again; fallen flowers never go back to the old branches."

A broken mirror still reflects; it is no longer one image of a single location, instead it reflects tiny little bits of everything around it, covering more ground than it ever could in one piece. The images aren't connected and so lose cohesion, but if one can fill in the gaps between the scattered reflections one would be able to see much more than with an unbroken glass. Fallen flowers sink into the earth and are absorbed into the same plant that they bloomed upon, rejoining the very branches they fell from, time and time again. There is nothing ordinary about the world.

Catfish is chortling along, we once again are starting to spill over into the too many bands zone, but I want it that way. I'm going out poster slathering tomorrow, then I need to do resume stuff. icky, but I'm excited about maybe working for a landscaping company or something - I can dig!! yeah, other work abounds, but I want outside right now and I want the hair to stay green, so that limits it somewhat. Things I'm letting slide are dancing, wayang kulit, computer stuff and that's about it. Not so bad.

my mother's coming on the twelth of august for a couple weeks. Hopefully there will be minimal explosions and maximum scrabble playing.

Posted by Beth at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It's only when I do things that I remember being physically hard and find them to be really easy that I realise how fit I'm actually getting; I love it.

I've been really enjoying walking everywhere lately, the warm night air caresses my skin and conversation flows like water. I have held the opinion for a while that noticing and acting on how one is affecting others can be a bit condescending, but I think perhaps it depends on what the action is. Assuming that a person is affected in one way just because it seems likely from subtle differences in interaction is a little risky, but depending on the situation I think it is perhaps benificial to actually ask in a straight forward manner exactly what they are experiencing. Then there is no pretense, no second guessing, and any risk can be assessed in a realistic manner. Unless they lie, in which case it's on their own head. hm.

Of course, one can also just choose to continue doing whatever one has been doing and let casualties fall where they may. It's not like others can't ask questions too. I don't like hurting people though.

There are a lot of really attractive people around me. I've been noticing more than usual. I'm completely uninterested in starting anything else serious. At all. Sex is serious to me, I hadn't really realised that until now, having thought about it for a bit. Only one person sort of lies outside that, and I'm not sure how that even works. Probably something to do with living in different countries.

I don't think I'll apply for demolition jobs, as fun as they sound at first blush - something about not wanting to die.

You can't ruin this.

Originally uploaded
by Zeb Andrews.

obelisks and sphinxes fill my mind right now.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was travelling around on public transit with a chicken. Yes...a chicken. It was dead, plucked, and cold. I carried it in my arms and would check it's temperature at different locations to make sure it was still foodsafe. We went to the beach, a swamp, a fairly abandoned park, and walked along the road for quite some time. I remember feeling slightly disturbed at various points, and then would carefully check the chicken again to make sure it wasn't getting too hot.

Apparently Tillie controls everything I do. I ate way too much chocolate today. I actually do use moisturizer on my hands every day. Really.

Posted by Beth at 11:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Originally uploaded
by *Dusty Skin*.

My hair is not the colour I want. This pretty much sums up the spoiled rotten bad mood I'm in right now, and though I can certainly see how stupid and self created it is, that doesn't dispell it, and actually just makes me more snarky due to the the fact that I can SEE that I'm being a stupid fucking git about it. There's even fairly normal stuff being processed by my brain, but damn am I in a bad mood.

I sent a stream of conciousness email out that I perhaps shouldn't have. I hate the carefully approached, created relationship idea - you know, the whole say things at appropriate times, don't do this, don't come on too strong. Fuck that. Fuck it to hell in a handbasket. If I have to be fucking careful about revealing the fact that I'm weird, obsessive, etc etc, or whatever, then I shouldn't even bother, yknow?

I'm yelling at only myself here, in case that's not obvious.

I always get angriest at myself; it's easier, smarter and most appropriate, as far as I'm concerned. No one else is really ever to blame, if you follow it back down the chain far enough. There are things that could make this much better, but they're not things that are available. Fucking spoiled rotten bad mood. check. I'm mostly mad at myself for being worried about the damn thing. If the way I am is going to scare someone off then I should be myself sooner rather than later to minimize damage.

I hate discussing anything where you're not certain of the other person's responses in text. I won't feed you cotton candy fluff just because that's what's appropriate. I won't brood anymore. I meant every word and there isn't a problem. Reaction is not my problem. I'm not going to play games with my own preconceptions of appropriate manipulations of some theoretical desired object. I find the very idea despicable. And yet there's some blonde blue eyed model whispering that the way to have a successful relationship.....

Fuck you preconstructed plastic norms. I won't have you in my head. I simply won't turn a person, especially a person who I like, into a thing. I talk to people I like about what I'm thinking, especially if it involves them. Having to do it in text is unfortunate, not being able to communicate in person for a few weeks is unfortunate, but fuck, it's not like the sky is falling. I fucking hate this bad mood. Now to go off and be social with family. I am social. I enjoy family. Say it three times and it's true, even though it already is. fucking bad mood. gr.

Posted by Beth at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Originally uploaded
by n8wood.

Rain brings me back into myself, reconnects me to the thicker currents in my life. I've been riding the choppy waves for some time now, and while it's fun and glorious and all that, I need to sink back into where my strength is or I'm going to forget how to breathe underwater.

I'm setting up a lesson on either monday or tuesday, I'm going to either fix my knife myself today or bring it in to a professional to re-grind, and I'm going to give myself one grand study every 2 weeks to finish. I'm not going to go weak and helpless on this one godsdamnit, I know what needs to be done, so I'm going to freaking do it. Yeah. sometimes yelling at myself works too.

I want to sew. I think I might allow myself after some genuinely productive practicing gets done. I also REALLY really want chocolate, and don't have any in the house. gr.

I watched Clerks last night because, apparently, according to the powers that be, it is necesary for life.
I'm somewhat in concurrance. Somewhat.

I have three unstarted sewing projects and a box of ones I started two summers (three?) ago with my mother. AAhahaha.

My hands are all rough right now with peeling callouses.....I want to work again before they're gone, but try as I might I can't wish for sun because I'm enjoying the rain far too much. It's odd, to me, to be the one without time swallowing commitments, odd to be the one who says in so many words ' I'm completely free'. A weird feeling. I'm used to saying no all the time because this and this and this is too important, no matter how much I love you. I don't mind though, which is good, because I'm so used to having things that don't move for people, that I won't move for people. I assume that other people have these things too, because if they didn't they might worry me......mine just aren't set in solid places in time right now, which makes them nearly invisible. Odd, again.

My mother calls me about her student. He attempted suicide and she drove miles to pick him up in some backwoods area that was as far as he could get away from the reserve. Her father went back on his offer to let the student stay at his house because of his rampant racism. They stayed in a hotel, there was no money from the reserve, he was forced to go back. She hasn't heard from him and they're searching the reserve now.

Nobody loves me.

such a self pitying statement that we might laugh at it, but when genuinely believed... Horrible. This is on my grandfather's head if it is what it feels like, despite the fact that he wasn't involved in the build up, he was the last straw. I can't imagine having that kind of hatred. My mom was telling me that the student was really excited about going fishing with my grandpa, being at the lake...fuck lets talk unforgivable sins, shall we? yeah.

Posted by Beth at 10:07 AM | Permalink

Originally uploaded
by tanakawho.

There doesn't seem to be an end to the subtle mixing of emotions, surprising me again and again. I close my eyes and I want to reach out again, not leave the doorway, brush the hair from your eyes.....jumping in.....yes, I am, rather abruptly, I suppose, if you look at it from the outside, but every relationship has been new to me - I have yet to have any repeats, so this, to me, is no different in its initial newness, though worlds away from my usual states of disgust or destruction.

Posted by Beth at 12:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I was stronger today, despite slightly destroyed right arm from yesterday. I'm worried about the not practicing though, and I'm getting weaker, or sharper, or something, emotionally. Worry over lack of practicing is adding/possibly source of this. I really need to talk to my housemates about an early morning practice time on my day off.

The wings are fading, in my alley, after many many bleachings. I don't see why they can't leave them there - they're so beautiful. meh. summer is getting to me and I feel the urge to curl up in a corner and be asocial and mellowly miserable for a little while, then just happy and asocial.

Posted by Beth at 11:58 PM | Permalink