interconnected
Rain brings me back into myself, reconnects me to the thicker currents in my life. I've been riding the choppy waves for some time now, and while it's fun and glorious and all that, I need to sink back into where my strength is or I'm going to forget how to breathe underwater.
I'm setting up a lesson on either monday or tuesday, I'm going to either fix my knife myself today or bring it in to a professional to re-grind, and I'm going to give myself one grand study every 2 weeks to finish. I'm not going to go weak and helpless on this one godsdamnit, I know what needs to be done, so I'm going to freaking do it. Yeah. sometimes yelling at myself works too.
I want to sew. I think I might allow myself after some genuinely productive practicing gets done. I also REALLY really want chocolate, and don't have any in the house. gr.
I watched Clerks last night because, apparently, according to the powers that be, it is necesary for life.
I'm somewhat in concurrance. Somewhat.
I have three unstarted sewing projects and a box of ones I started two summers (three?) ago with my mother. AAhahaha.
My hands are all rough right now with peeling callouses.....I want to work again before they're gone, but try as I might I can't wish for sun because I'm enjoying the rain far too much. It's odd, to me, to be the one without time swallowing commitments, odd to be the one who says in so many words ' I'm completely free'. A weird feeling. I'm used to saying no all the time because this and this and this is too important, no matter how much I love you. I don't mind though, which is good, because I'm so used to having things that don't move for people, that I won't move for people. I assume that other people have these things too, because if they didn't they might worry me......mine just aren't set in solid places in time right now, which makes them nearly invisible. Odd, again.
My mother calls me about her student. He attempted suicide and she drove miles to pick him up in some backwoods area that was as far as he could get away from the reserve. Her father went back on his offer to let the student stay at his house because of his rampant racism. They stayed in a hotel, there was no money from the reserve, he was forced to go back. She hasn't heard from him and they're searching the reserve now.
Nobody loves me.
such a self pitying statement that we might laugh at it, but when genuinely believed... Horrible. This is on my grandfather's head if it is what it feels like, despite the fact that he wasn't involved in the build up, he was the last straw. I can't imagine having that kind of hatred. My mom was telling me that the student was really excited about going fishing with my grandpa, being at the lake...fuck lets talk unforgivable sins, shall we? yeah.