Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by azredheadedbrat.

When I'm like this I shouldn't be around people. It's not that I'm angry, or violent, or anything like that, but I feel desperately lonely in the way that isn't loneliness at all, and I recognize that. I lost myself, off and on, for two years to that. longer before that but I wasn't using someone to make me forget every night then. Before it was books, then internet. People aren't acceptable as crutches for this sort of thing. It's a touch of that old worry, different this time because everything really will be alright, but it still makes me want to shut down, curl up in a ball and cry. I wouldn't be visiting in a crowd of people, I'd be blocking out things that need to be done, punishing my future self for no reason other than a short lived desire for oblivion.

I probably shouldn't be listening to tool right now either.

I managed to practice quite a bit today though, despite everything, and ate two breakfasts in good solid company before that. I suppose it's not people that I shouldn't be around...just social events...they tend to tear at me in a way that really starts to tell after a while. Just the same, I spent most of the day alone. Tomorrow will be better. I used to want somebody for this particular reason. I'd want somebody to fold into and forget myself in, someone who would hold me for hours of depression...but now I'd rather just not put someone through that. I can bloody well take care of these little monsters myself. I still think though, secretly, how nice it would be. A tendancy towards weakness doesn't mean it has to exist.

I want to sing the kind of music that tears from your soul and leaves you a sodden pile of twigs and leaves in some muddy ditch. I can't help but feel, occasionally, that maybe I really do put too high a value on happiness, on fun, on enjoyment. I don't believe that I do, but sometimes the criticism feels sharper than others, sometimes I know it'd be easier if I did the things you're supposed to do, coloured inside the lines...but I'd be miserable. It wouldn't be a shadow that sometimes comes and covers everything, it'd just be a dull, grey, lack of life. It's hard to remember right now though.