Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by *Dusty Skin*.

My hair is not the colour I want. This pretty much sums up the spoiled rotten bad mood I'm in right now, and though I can certainly see how stupid and self created it is, that doesn't dispell it, and actually just makes me more snarky due to the the fact that I can SEE that I'm being a stupid fucking git about it. There's even fairly normal stuff being processed by my brain, but damn am I in a bad mood.

I sent a stream of conciousness email out that I perhaps shouldn't have. I hate the carefully approached, created relationship idea - you know, the whole say things at appropriate times, don't do this, don't come on too strong. Fuck that. Fuck it to hell in a handbasket. If I have to be fucking careful about revealing the fact that I'm weird, obsessive, etc etc, or whatever, then I shouldn't even bother, yknow?

I'm yelling at only myself here, in case that's not obvious.

I always get angriest at myself; it's easier, smarter and most appropriate, as far as I'm concerned. No one else is really ever to blame, if you follow it back down the chain far enough. There are things that could make this much better, but they're not things that are available. Fucking spoiled rotten bad mood. check. I'm mostly mad at myself for being worried about the damn thing. If the way I am is going to scare someone off then I should be myself sooner rather than later to minimize damage.

I hate discussing anything where you're not certain of the other person's responses in text. I won't feed you cotton candy fluff just because that's what's appropriate. I won't brood anymore. I meant every word and there isn't a problem. Reaction is not my problem. I'm not going to play games with my own preconceptions of appropriate manipulations of some theoretical desired object. I find the very idea despicable. And yet there's some blonde blue eyed model whispering that the way to have a successful relationship.....

Fuck you preconstructed plastic norms. I won't have you in my head. I simply won't turn a person, especially a person who I like, into a thing. I talk to people I like about what I'm thinking, especially if it involves them. Having to do it in text is unfortunate, not being able to communicate in person for a few weeks is unfortunate, but fuck, it's not like the sky is falling. I fucking hate this bad mood. Now to go off and be social with family. I am social. I enjoy family. Say it three times and it's true, even though it already is. fucking bad mood. gr.