The past two weeks have been tough in a fairly new way. I've been depressed for the first time in a long while - since I decided to do things that would make me happy as a matter of course, and I tried at first to brush it off as some freak occurance, but no, as usual it's grounded in my situation. I've overcome a lot of hurdles that I didn't think I'd be able to for some time; I'm no longer incredibly nervous in audition situations and I am now capable of playing technically challenging music and making it actually sound like music. These two things were what I had previously viewed as the things preventing me from doing well in auditions. I overcame them and realised that there's another mountain or two where I thought there might be a gentle hill.
Instead of being able to play really well, I lack the necessary energy, focus and above all, perfection that is needed to do a good audition. In many ways it's the same problem I encountered while I was competing in dressage; I'd do all the work, have everything perfect, and then get into the ring and expect it to happen like magic without any work. It doesn't happen like that. What happens is flat, unexciting, marred performances that give the impression that I either didn't practice or don't care, even though nothing could be further from the truth. Of course I felt that after doing the audition and decided I could cure this new problem too, but it's still a bit of a blow to realise, again, how much work I need to do. It comes down to ego I guess, and gods, by the time I get through this I'm going to be humbler than a piece of dirt, I can tell you that much.
I've been spending whole days working on reeds and practicing...I'm finding I'm becoming correspondingly happier with each day. I talked about sustaining levels of intensity recently...but it's more meditative than anything else.
I've met an am now associating with a flute player who has green and blue hair in an interesting sort of mohawk thing. We've bonded only on the colour of our hair. I also encountered a new oboist who also hisses and is debating dying her hair blue. Orchestra tonight, work tomorrow, orchestra and reeds thurs, maybe coffee somewhere if I get lucky. I went down to wreck and visited with Meris and random beach people. Norm was gone and it made me slightly sad. I still sortof wish I'd gone to tofino with his crew....haha.
I guess money has been adding to the stress a bit, but I refuse to let it bother me since I've taken all the neccessary steps and need only wait it out a little longer, still, it nags at me. I'm working again though, and hopefully it'll continue with some regularity and make taking this term off actually make sense.
I'm becoming so much more cautious, and although I believe that it's a good thing, it wears on me not to fall from branch to branch as I'm used to doing, albeit in slower motion than most do it. I've been trying to write song lyrics lately, through the depression, and find that I can't write without feeling it deeply, and can't write when I feel something so deeply and think I might be misunderstood. Stupid in many ways, but a strange block that I haven't gotten past yet. I talked at length about something that may never happen as though it would happen as a matter of course...ah organisation how I loath and love you...
