Random Thoughts

I'm too old for that bullshit

I've always been silent and waited for things to fix themselves, and they usually don't. This whole actually fixing things before they sink to the bottom of the well is...good. Maybe it'll get less difficult as time goes by.

I'm going to help you because you're playing this so well...

Odd how I always feel like I'm plodding through mud when I'm supposedly showing the most improvement. Oh well, a good lesson this week will undoubtably be balanced by an attack of Ravel next week...gawds but triplets eat my soul. My reeds are good too. Weird.

I feel like a landscaper three days a week and have to remind myself that I'm a musician when I get home. I have a bucket full of heather, a wierd succulent, and many, many bulbs. I need soil and a pot and black jewels. Yes.

Posted by Beth at 5:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The leaves are everywhere and the wind is like ice and despite the tiredness that keeps threatening to catch me, I can't remember the last time my feet really touched the ground. I'm falling, again, and this time it's different, of course, every time it's different. This time it scares me and that's unusual. It scares me because I can't see the cause of the end; I can always see the end from the beginning, and this time I can't. I can guess, but not more, and I can't taste how it will feel, though I expect it'll hurt quite a bit. Terrifying.

Did I mention I'm happy?

For all that there's still an unanswered question and I wonder if maybe it might've been better just not to say anything and let things unravel without awareness. I don't like that approach though, it makes me uncomfortable, so I can't regret speaking my mind; I resist it too much as it is through force of habit.

It's odd to re-evaluate my actions and realise how much of a horrible person I've really been. It takes time for the righteousness to wear off and the realisation to set in. I've learned a lot so far though, and perhaps lucky to have learned right off the bat how not to treat people? Though I'd hope it could be learned without actually treating them that way. I just wanted him to have a backbone and yell, or tell me to fuck off, or something. Anything, really.

Posted by Beth at 6:57 PM | Permalink

so much in the edges of words and gestures and I want to wrap it all up in red and gold and never leave. I understand, it's too much after the long stretch, this kind of intensity. I don't stay that far down, I'm not deep sea, though I dream there, and slide down from time to time. I like the shallows, I wriggle in the bluegreen sunshine and play in the seaweed. This is rooted in something deep, though I took it to be floating on the surface. warmth in the corners of a smile, memories of alleyways and sandals, gin and tonic to sangria and flamenco, I wonder if I should worry if we'll get out of this without bruises and realise that I don't mind either way. It's worth it, and I don't look for failure when I'm happy.

A thanksgiving with family. It's been some time, not much more than a year. So lucky, to have this, to have you, to have love in multiple forms and happyness, my natural state and rare, I'm told, and no, it hasn't always been natural, conciously natural is more appropriate as I lean towards everything that makes the world magical. Vancouver at sunset, sparkling with magic and promise, all glistening around the abyss. Play at being blind while you can, I suppose, but remember to still see.

Posted by Beth at 12:20 PM | Permalink