Random Thoughts

I'm a bit of a jumble of nerves right now - this happens now and then, I have to remind myself, and it'll pass, but unlike the other times where I was confident enough to laugh at myself for being upset over such small easily changeable things...this time, well, the solution is simple enough, but simplicity doesn't make it easy. I've lost a little faith in my ability to rise above the masses. I am getting better, I can play so much better than I've ever been able to before (somewhat like each moment you're older than you were before, but less dependable). I played a concert today where every solo was fun and I played it on a reed I made yesterday with no help...but at the same time I know I'm not good enough...yet. It's always not yet, and I finish school this year and it's still not yet.

What am I going to do? I haven't applied for grad school for a couple of reasons, mostly I don't think the benifit outweighs the cost, but also no one cares how much school you have when you're behind the audition screen. I need more time, the constant, nagging game of catch up or fake it, and you can't fake it, not really. I can't see being able to improve while working full time, I can't see paying my student loan payments without working full time, I still haven't called the academy about their artist diploma programme, but I'd still have to pay for that, and I wonder how much less it'd be than any other grad school.

I'm at the point where most people quit

I can't quit. Quitting on this would destroy me, and arguably I haven't even tried yet, not really..not yet. Better to try and fail? The question becomes when to call failure. I want to give myself a time frame, but at the same time I'm mortally afraid to for fear I won't make it. Most of this stress is counterproductive; witness me blogging angstily as opposed to practicing....but it's still early. I am a long way from giving up, but damn.

I'm getting ridiculously spoiled right now, too, which is probably why I haven't exploded in a thousand pieces just yet. Funny to have this, odd to be wanted and reciprocate, strange to feel the time pass and still feel right, to not worry too much about any sort of future, but to talk about it anyway. Yes, I like this quite a bit.

I need to find another job for January too...seasonal work and all...hmmm. I'm putting off everything relating to planning right now, and I need to stop that.

Conversation with my mother the other day really scared me. She's come to genuinely accept the the thoughts that plagued me during highschool. I overcame them for the most part, since they were, and are, complete bullshit, but it's frightening to hear her say things that depressed me for what felt like so long. I am, to a large extent, motivated by terror of allowing myself to believe the bullshit. I'm also usually really happy with what I'm doing; I'm not right now, but I expect this will pass as soon as I get my act together and plan a course of action. Indecision and stagnation infuriate and paralyze me alternately. gah. I am writing and thinking in circles.

I'm reading Gaiman's Smoke and Mirrors right now; it's the first book that's made me close the door quickly at night in a long while. (I am so lucky, I got to rush back to a warm bed and a strange boy who is just as crazy in his way as I am...what was I whining about again?)

Time to make reeds.
Gnight.