self awareness....
Is alternately useful and terribly annoying, particularly when you're quite sure that you'll look back at this and laugh at yourself not too soon in the future. Fricking mind won't even let me be peacefully unhappy without laughing at me all the time....
I let myself be weak and there were no horrid consequences save a small amount pillow-pummelling. I do feel rather out of my element, trying to make a relationship work...well, perhaps not out of my element, it's just that I've never tried. Two years of mistreating someone who loved me more than I was really aware of doesn't count. The further I move away from that the more I realize how bad it was, but that's neither here nor there - I didn't consider him most of the time...I did sometimes, but only sometimes, and after that only bits and pieces of intensity, usually one sided or across the border.
I find the balance of humility and pride rather precarious; I'll play out like crazy and then find I'm in the wrong key. It's hard to keep playing quite as gloriously after that, but there's nothing else for it, really.
I've never considered myself to be particularily depressed, rather the opposite, actually, but it does take a lot of effort to be agressively positive, and sometimes I do slip, I've never really considered the idea that some people go without slipping down to the bottom ocassionally, but I suppose it's possible. I'm not like that though, and really, I wouldn't change it. I am me, and am alternating fierce happy/fierce sad with a bit of a grey-green slide inbetween. Not a bad way to be, really.
I have background promises I've made to people in my head right now; things they probably didn't really expect me to do, but that I wanted and haven't been able to do.
It's much simpler to know you don't have someone to lean on than to wonder if you're leaning too hard. If I could just not care quite so much it'd be easier, but then it wouldn't be worth it, now would it?