Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by 3amfromkyoto.

Sitting in Our Town again. I always seem to catch their open mic nights without thinking and without an instrument or music on me. There's a couple of guys on the little stage who look like they're serious about what they're doing. No one is paying attention and there's the decision that hasn't been made yet about whether to leave the unattentive audience alone and become background music or to harass them and risk being disliked. A real dilema.

I'm not good company right now.

He's playing a fun bassline that skips up and down like a fish. More like a trout than a bass. I should order another coffee to be polite, but there aren't that many people here and I want to sleep at some point tonight.

My backpack broke beyond repair today. This will force me to buy another one.

I have difficulty finishing songs; it's all there, melody, a bit of a chorus some possible bridge bits, but the words don't flow together properly and it feels too tightly held together. Breathing space is needed and I can't help thinking it doesn't make much sense to the listener.

The place is starting to fill a little bit, with musicians and their friends. bar chords. I need to make myself memorize bar chords. I also need to memorize three pages worth of somewhat atonal 20th century music and think about choreography. I think about my grade 12 physics teacher more lately, the first person to ask me are you happy? I need to thank him for that sometime.

Put it in a box and deal with the rest of your life.

Details, details, details, and money in the details. Balance and guilt and worry. Nothing others haven't gone through before, nothing special, nothing out of the ordinary.

My dad gave me a timeline without meaning to; on the phone he called it a transitory phase, it might last up to three or four years, he commented, trying to be comforting. So I have at the most four years to....to what, exactly? Land an orchestra job? That's a bit harsh - I know people who consider themselves professionals and are teaching in universities and getting paid for small scale performance stuff and have been out of school for about 10 years. Maybe to be at a stage where I am regularily auditioning for orchestras, getting paid for gigs, that sort of thing. That's doable, that's almost this/next year. I have a trio, we still need a name, we've only had two rehersals, but we've got a flute player that can play, has a professional photographer for a husband who is willing to do promo shots, and I think we're determined enough.

Wouldn't it be nice to rest for a bit.

I'm so very glad that it's raining. I want to strip and just run and run until I can no longer feel my skin. Instead I'll stay here a bit longer then head home, maybe make some reeds, wake up tomorrow and mail a package. Cold desperation of adulthood, huh? Pah. Transitory, and I love the rain as it runs cold down my face. Bits and ends again. bits and ends.