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Originally uploaded by panic-embryo
And of course there's nothing you can do to keep the people you love safe; nothing at all. and what then? Life goes...on... you'd think it wouldn't, but it does, or so I've been told, and it'd be...weak...not to continue, or so I'd claim, I think, so I've certainly said, at any rate.
Useless, but still, the ground doesn't feel quite as firm under my feet at the moment.
Family this year is interesting. My little cousin Jack has become this awesome real person, I met my cousin Barry, who is...a character, and his girlfriend, who is quiet...actually, if I didn't know better I'd guess she was related to me and he was from some strange other family. The grandparents talking about aging and my dad and Leslie and music and boats. My mom seems more relaxed, and is talking about retiring here. Next I suppose is to get back in touch with Sarah.
I drove up to where I grew up, looked up at the log house that my dad built the year they broke up, the greenhouse where my mom grew long english cucumbers and tomatoes and lettus and everything else, the barn that was too dark and hard to clean, the blackberries didn't seem as rampant as when we lived there, the fields haven't been grazed on for a long time. I turned around and drove to the grandparents' place. Spent an infinity watching the last dregs of watery sunlight reflect off the waves. There's something in the beaches here that just doesn't exist in Vancouver. I understand, when I stand watching the waves, why so many bloody artists insist on painting the same bloody sea and beach scene. They really are beautiful.
Originally uploaded by AntonioA
Family is coming very close to driving me insane this holiday season, but I have resolved to enjoy myself in spite of, and perhaps to spite, them.
It's odd to be here, as usual. I walked from the bus in the soft, quiet night, the ocean on one side and the forest on the other, a small band of town inbetween. I'd really prefer just to go off into the forest and be alone for a while, but family is family and I'll be social.
I don't miss you, exactly, but I think of you often. I like that.
Like spring, bursting with life, pursuing life, driven by death at a moment's hesitation. Not much of summer in your eyes...no long, lazy death of overripe indulgence, warmth like the colour of maple syrup in autumn. a blanket of brilliant colours and an edge of frost. Sometimes winter, perhaps underlying, or the underlying memory/expectation/thought of it. Indulgence, taken with the knowledge of winter, made so much sweeter. Late spring at times, intensity forgotten for a span, never long, drifting into darker greens, softer, less driven, for a time.
Originally uploaded by roujo
Some people are like warm summer sunshine.
I am not a gifted conversationalist. It's never really been that much of a problem; I talk to people I find interesting about stuff I find interesting or I generally don't talk. It works. Today was the first day that I genuinely wished I was one of those people who could spin conversation out of nothing. Uncomfortable doesn't even begin to cover it. There are some social situations that are just.......icky. ah well, I'm sure I'll live.
I find myself writing poetry in my head that makes me giggle on transit. I will not write it down.
I have three people in on the cow...just need 11 more, four or five homeless people who aren't afraid of cows, a moderately talented artist and a milk bucket.
I fail spectacularly at being a tour guide.
rudeness is only excusable when it is amusing.
Sometimes you open up your inbox and it's just another bunch of work; sometimes you open up your inbox and it's a multidimensional explosion.
My ex emailed me to let me know his son was born a couple days ago. We haven't spoken or communicated in over two years. huh. And Gerard emails me. Weird.
The last week has been marked by truly brutal interactions with people; strangers and friends alike. It's not, as the line goes, you, it's me. Or, at least, I hope it is. That is to say I hope that the people on transit, who I normally enjoy watching/listening to, aren't really stupid, inane loudmouths who I'd sincerely like to hurt...or at least silence in a particularly nasty way, and I hope that my friends aren't completely socialy inept monsters that I'd like to throw into walls randomly, if only to prove a point that, yes, I am in fact standing here as you completely ignore me. No, I know, it is me, and I'm certainly the wrong person to start critisizing others' lack of social graces, but fuck I've felt violently bad this week with only a few sleepless latenight exceptions.
I obviously have to spend some time with myself, and perhaps my logical side as well.
Teaching small children is bloody hard. I must remember to bring water next week. I have one girl who really loves playing her flute but absolutely hates anything that seems like work....so anything that might improve her playing, like learning how to count, tongue properly....she just goes off into her own world, nods or shakes her head (mostly randomly) and plays something completely unrelated to what I've just asked her to play...her parents also schedule her for an HOUR. An hour is wayyyy too long for her attention span, heck most kids burn out at the half hour point. I think I'm going to have to play immitation games with her to teach her things, because she just simply doesn't listen to anything verbal...not that I can't understand that, but it makes it a bit hard to teach.
I have two really good, really attentive students, both from the same family...I think they're going to be really fun to teach after we get to know each other a little. I'm surprized how quickly my flute fingers have come back...I'm even thinking of getting some more solo stuff to learn. haha, and it turns out that the grade one stuff I was looking at was grade 8. ha.
My oboe student really is a begginner....I am responsible for turning this violent dying duck of a sound into an oboe tone. Terrifying.
I have too little to think about. I can't wait till my courses start up again.
Rock orchestra rehearsal the first of two today. w00t.
I don't do well when things narrow down to one or two things. I work much better when I have a million things to do and not enough time to do any of them. I have, in essence, two things I have to do right now; practice and make reeds. Granted that's for two instruments, and I'm also teaching now, but it's still dramatically less than I'm used to having on my plate. I feel lazy and somewhat bored. I've been practicing a lot, but not playing with anyone. I'll have a few plastic acid rehearsals and then the show, then my mom comes, then christmas, then dad's family. Things are spaced out and sane and I feel intensely restless. Grar.
I've been debating tempting fate and starting running again...I had such an intensly strong urge to go outside and just run the other day. The sun and the melting snow and smell of earth...I may just do it, and hopefully my knee will behave itself.
gods but I'm bored. I hate getting to things early, but hate being late more. I'll enjoy doing courses again in January...for the last time. So odd. so very, very odd. Even when I'm taking the artist diploma thing at the academy there won't be any course work except practice and practice and practice.
