another year
It seems I need to completely fall apart in order to restructure my thinking; akin to depriving yourself of sleep in order to reset your internal clock. Speaking of sleep, I don't seem to be getting any lately, not even alcohol assisted. This is particularly odd for me as I usually have no trouble sleeping, and even when I do it generally lasts for only one or two nights. It's not even the usual thing where my mind turns things in circles and won't allow me to sleep because it needs to find the end of the endless string of worries, no, I just lay there, mostly thought-less and don't sleep. I even woke up at 5am after passing out due to large* quantities of port. I couldn't get back to sleep either. fah. I'm going to blame dehydration for that I think, but hopefully this trend will end sooner rather than later.
you just don't have enough failed relationships to give you perspective.
What I like about this relationship, as opposed to the few others I've had, is that I'm able to be happy or sad independent of whatever is going on between us. I'm certainly not completely lacking emotional response**, but I'm not as fully enveloped in it as I have been in the past.
Or perhaps I'm wrong and it's just a different kind of envelopment.
I'm almost ready for the audition on the 24th. This is awesome. I think I may plant more bulbs tomorrow and buy books. I don't start classes till the 8th so I have a bit of a breather, which is nice. I'm going to do more baking, make reeds and practice; I have a very strong urge to do a house purging, top to bottom, but I have to make a few decisions about fish, clothing, and future first.
I'm full of contradictions right now. Fuller than usual. Hopefully they'll settle a little with time.
*large for me.
**In fact it might be arguable that I am more emotional than most, or at least unable to hide it as well, but that's mostly conjecture on my part as I haven't really closely observed any other girls in relationships.