Random Thoughts

Originally uploaded
by Farl.

In art it is no longer acceptable (it seems) to lovingly recreate the notes of the masters; no room, anymore, for different interpretations of the same notes - or maybe I have an outsider's perspective. Then again, is it acceptable (anymore) to simply (only, just) recreate the melodies of the masters? Is there anything left for the modern player to squeeze out of Beethoven, or brahms or anyone who came before the immediate present? Must we tear ourselves away from the past and create everything anew (including the wheel) simply to prove the point that music is moving forward?

And what happened to the cadenza? The heavily theoretical approach to teaching that allowed the student to so fully understand the music that improvisation was not an effort, but merely the next step? Are we sure we're not going backwards?

Oh, but music is about enjoyment, and there's nothing enjoyable about theory, or scales, or things that are hard...right? No need to push ourselves, or our students, or our children, beyond what is completely comfortable. Heavens, I'm not suggesting we introduce a sliver of realism into young lives, no, that'd be cruel, because we've already established that everyday life is deadly boring. So we should shelter them from it as long as possible, delaying the day when they, too, realise that there is no point and no hope and no fun. And, of course, by delaying we pretty much guarantee that they won't have time to decide what to do about the situation, if anything.

What happened to enjoying things worked for? Ok, maybe no child has ever really been born with a super work ethic, and certainly one shouldn't just snarl and force them to practice for hours on end...but enthusiasm over little improvements, demonstrations of a positive goal...blah blah, instead of simply giving up and saying, oh, well, if you aren't perfect the first time you might as well quit...auugh.

Teaching other peoples' children is tough. I refuse to change the way I teach (think, have a strong possibly incorrect but gut feeling sort of opinion) in order to harmonise with values that I don't agree with. They are certainly free to choose another teacher.

It is also possible that I am not suited to teaching 7-12 year olds. It is possible that I treat them too much like people and not quite enough like children. It is possible that I allow too many of my opinions on more than music to be heard...but I remember the fury that I had towards adults that treated me like a child when I was a child, and I remember that the only people I found interesting seemed to have strong and frequently unpopular opinions...and well, at the very least they'll learn the fine art of sarcasm, and perhaps dictionary use.

Posted by Beth at 9:11 PM | Permalink

I forsee computer language classes being required courses in elementary school, or at least, I would hope for it.

Today was the first time I've been hit on whilst riding transit by a)someone my own age, b)someone attractive and c)someone who was not visibly drunk. Amusingly enough, his pickup lines were way less interesting than any I've heard. He was cute though, and had charming stubble and subtle peircings. I really should have got his number, ah well, that would have been greedy.

I must be giving off some seriously abnormal signals for me.

I have a new camera. It has yet to be tested. I am excited. I crave the abuse of deleteme.

Messy ponytails will be the death of me.

Worlds are collapsing into each other again. I hatelove when this happens...

I am not being productive right now. I should change this...then I could allow myself to dream for a bit. I'm also not happy. This will change after I finish this useless coursework...or I hope it will anyway.

I don't think you know what you want.

Do I? I think so. I've got my time limit for reassessment anyways, and what's a life, but for to waste how one sees fit? I miss the emotional saturation feeling...but I know I don't have time for it. It always seems so stupid afterwards, but at the same time I wouldn't give any of that time back, I choose it because it's wonderful in it's own brutal way. I'd give this time back, I'd rather not be doing a million little pathetic makework things that have nothing to do with anything I'm interested in right now...well ok, it's not that I'm not interested in these courses, it's just that I have a desire to play, to make reeds, to listen to music, to dance, to make more reeds, to play and play and play....and yet the oboe stays in its' case and I sit here trying to make it through critical literature and make an art project that I'm not completely ashamed to hand in. There was a time when I would really have been interested in both these things, but that time isn't now.

one more month.

I need to force myself to eat and listen to music as well as playing it. These things are necessary for my health and I tend to forget that

Posted by Beth at 11:04 PM | Permalink

Originally uploaded
by pazavi.

I'm somewhat afraid to post again, what with the triple-headed monster of doom and all, but whatever...

Musical went well, managed to scrape together a decent reed about 5 minutes before we played, which was nice, there was much less crazyness this time, and much more laughter from the audience (yay little kids finally figuring out what the hell to do and most of their lines!). All in all it was a great night and it kept me in a great mood till I got home and realized how much trashy stuff I have to do. I am so. god. damned. SICK of course work. Even the interesting stuff does nothing but annoy me. I caught myself sitting in front of my 'to do' list and softly repeating IhatethisIhatethisIhatethis... not good. not good. Must finish these bloody courses. Must not give in to stupidity and tiredness.

In related news my art teacher's assistant is way too nice. This is the second (or third?) week long extension she's granted me, and she still sounds perfectly fine with it. huh. well, it really is good seeing as how I need to pass and all - I should do a bit more work on the dismal thing so she doesn't think (realise) that I just dashed it off in a couple of minutes before class. Poor dear, she's not nearly nasty enough to make it as an artist (one that gets paid, that is)

I've been reveling in my nastiness in non dramatic ways lately and it feels good. I really do miss people when I'm busy like this - I guess I can't really claim to be antisocial. Tomorrow I get to play more music, go to another of those classes and maybe, just maybe, I'll have time to make reeds and do some relaxed practicing for a change. Oh the luxury!

haha. If I ever allow myself to re-sexuallize the musicians I know...there really will be trouble.

I can't wait to go to capoeira next week - I hate missing it because I feel like such a slacker the next time I go. Ah well, can't be helped. Hmm. I wonder what colour I should tie my reeds with tomorrow...

and my mother says to me I don't know why I'm drawn to damaged people...
and I reply I suppose you just have to accept it and figure out what sort of damage you can deal with.

Posted by Beth at 11:23 PM | Permalink

Originally uploaded
by Johann Smari.

My interactions with people right now terrify me. I think this is a good thing, all in all, seeing as I'm not hiding from them anymore, not avoiding contact with the people who will be a part of my professional career, but I'm still not comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable with the fact that people that I play with work behind the counters of music stores, or play in the opera, or are 'real' professionals. I don't feel like a professional, and I'm not, but these people are, and they really are people, and I guess that's something that I've avoided realising for some time. I'm so much more comfortable with being the little student and keeping a respectful distance than I am with chatting amicably with professionals. I'm afraid to say anything.

In trying to figure out why it scares me so much I stumbled upon the fact that I don't have the appropriate manner(ism?)s. I'm not able, for instance, to cheerfully decline an offer to go out for beer with the conductor because I have to get home - no, instead I worry that he's asking me out of some pretense of friendliness and I get somewhat frightened and simply say no thanks worriedly. It's not unacceptably rude or anything, it's just not polished. I'm not good at putting a skin over myself and still ...being myself. I can be perfectly formal and professional, or I can be completely myself, but I'm not good at doing a little bit of both, nor figuring out how much of a mix is acceptable. I'll learn, but it's absolutely terrifying.

It's as though there's a finishing school for musicians that tells you how to react and I didn't end up going to it.

Posted by Beth at 11:19 PM | Permalink

Originally uploaded by Tom McFarlane

I slept in, was cuddled till almost noon, ate pancakes, then bacon and coffee, wandered over to coquitlam, taught a few students, wandered back and am now lazing about on the internets. I don't even feel guilty for not practicing as I had the practice session of late doomyness last night. Ah yes. Today I am spoiled brat and loving it.

Posted by Beth at 12:09 AM | Permalink

Originally uploaded by 3amfromkyoto

It's difficult, I find, to keep very many people in my life. Even the ones that I seem to connect with don't usually stay for that long. That's not to say they dissappear, or that I do, it just seems like there's never time, or a convergence of time, to visit. Do something with me and I might see you, go for coffee to visit and I might see you every three months or so. Unless of course my cat likes you and invites you over, in which case there's really nothing I can do save for trying to ignore you whilst doing other things, such as dishes, or tea.

My remaining months of school torture are almost over. April is around the corner, as is the sun run. I am going to die. Meghan agrees.

I am strongly affected by the emotions of the people around me; I'm still not sure if this is a good, bad or indifferent thing. It seems to be useful to be able to ignore or not be affected by the emotions of people around you - sometimes you're even more useful to people when you can distance yourself and examine their problem with them, but I find it so very hard to distance myself. hm.

I'm irritated by people lately. Including myself. I wonder if I'm capable of being attracted to someone who doesn't annoy, offend or anger me at least slightly. I'm not sure I am. I quite often seem to get attached to the things that irritate me the most, in fact, discounting much of what I really like. ha.

Unfinished, undecided, unclosed conversations of ages ago still bother me, you know. Every time I see flamenco dancing, walk past the art gallery or a barber shop, I think of you and wonder what the hell happened there. Ah well.

I should go be a good student and do a gallery review. Woo. See me do useless busywork! See me explode! See me walk through a physical representation of a flickr account displayed in a gallery....er....I wonder if I could work that in there somewhere. heh heh heh.

Posted by Beth at 1:25 PM | Permalink