not [quite] hiding anymore
My interactions with people right now terrify me. I think this is a good thing, all in all, seeing as I'm not hiding from them anymore, not avoiding contact with the people who will be a part of my professional career, but I'm still not comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable with the fact that people that I play with work behind the counters of music stores, or play in the opera, or are 'real' professionals. I don't feel like a professional, and I'm not, but these people are, and they really are people, and I guess that's something that I've avoided realising for some time. I'm so much more comfortable with being the little student and keeping a respectful distance than I am with chatting amicably with professionals. I'm afraid to say anything.
In trying to figure out why it scares me so much I stumbled upon the fact that I don't have the appropriate manner(ism?)s. I'm not able, for instance, to cheerfully decline an offer to go out for beer with the conductor because I have to get home - no, instead I worry that he's asking me out of some pretense of friendliness and I get somewhat frightened and simply say no thanks worriedly. It's not unacceptably rude or anything, it's just not polished. I'm not good at putting a skin over myself and still ...being myself. I can be perfectly formal and professional, or I can be completely myself, but I'm not good at doing a little bit of both, nor figuring out how much of a mix is acceptable. I'll learn, but it's absolutely terrifying.
It's as though there's a finishing school for musicians that tells you how to react and I didn't end up going to it.