Random Thoughts

Crunchy. It really is the only way to describe how I've been feeling lately. Everything is a push and a shove and I'm threading my way awkwardly through human interaction with some small measure of success and bits and pieces of me are flying off in the process. I think I'm doing better, balancing my natural avoidance with forced but needed communication. I've finally decided to start getting over him, which really is a good thing, I guess, but sad still.

I've said it now to three people, once out of guilt and twice because I meant it. It really does last, too, which is something that surprises me still. I think I'm going to wait a long time before I say it again though, because the hurt seems to increase somewhat exponentially. Perhaps I'll be the coy one and wait for someone else to say it first.

I shouldn't be reading the books that I'm reading right now - books my mother left in my house, books of depression, suicide, love and loss. Or maybe I should, as a warning - I can see myself in them (and probably my mother, too) and see what I will not allow to happen.

I was told I'm good at organization. This shocks me - I am? Cool.

I'm not sure I'm capable of falling for people who don't have an extra measure of intensity mixed in - this might prove to be a problem, but I think it'll sort itself out. Contrary to what one might believe of an emotional creature, I can take care of myself. If I need help I'll ask, and if I don't then on my head be it.

I went shopping for children's toys today. EVERYTHING cool is made in China. The only little things I could find that weren't were finger traps (oddly made in the US), strange noisemakers and semiprecious stones. I didn't see any lego where I was, but I have a sad feeling. I really, really wanted to buy the little dinosaurs and bouncy balls but damn. just no. I managed not to stop in at long and Mcquade and probably saved myself about fifty bucks by the avoidance... the money for my flight to Toronto is scarily not there at the moment, with my mom unable to help me. I shall have to ask father dear, which fills me with horror. augh.

My sister's work place is cool beyond belief. We sat and watched ten frightening little flash animations they made for an american company encouraging kids to be entrepreneurs - the highlight being the rap version of american history with the eagle breathing fire to light the torch of the statue of liberty. ha. They have drawers full of random art supplies, stuffed animals roam the rooms freely, yarn creatures with movable heads and weird eyes sit upon tables...yeah...coolness.

I think I want a llama. llama. I could just go around saying that all the time...llama...llaaaaammmaa. LLAMA!
Yeeah. You probably don't want to be around me right now.