I've been asked a few times why I blog, and I always come back to it when I'm feeling like this; like I'd like to throw people and things through windows and tear my hair out and scream. It's a way of letting go of negative emotions publicly without damaging anyone (physically, that is.).
Going back to being a beginner on the instrument again these last few days has been surprizingly enlightening in a couple of ways.
One, I have been in a position where it is expected that I will have difficulty, instead of, as has been the norm in my life, being expected to be several levels above where I am at the moment (I originally wrote that 'better than I am').
Two, I have, despite the fact that I quite like the baroque oboe, come to the conclusion that I really do want to play the modern oboe. I've got a new bunch of energy building for that, and, in a way, learning to play the baroque oboe in this short of time (not overly well, but quite well for a weeks worth) has proven to me that I can and will master its' dreaded descendant.
Three, something that I find at once frightening and useful - it seems most of my self esteem is wrapped very tightly around the quality of my musicianship. I know many will denounce this as wrong, and even question that I should state it publicly, and yet I won't make an effort to change it.
Being unable to play well makes me miserable on so many levels. Walking home today I was ready to really go home to Vancouver. We had a coaching with Mr. Cera, a wonderful italian oboist who's musicality makes one want to weep. It was a great coaching, and I learned a lot, but I couldn't do what he wanted me to do, or not to the extent that was needed to bring it past acceptable and into the realm of beautiful, and I hated that. I want to play beautiful music, and at the same time I realize that at this point we shouldn't really be playing anything this complicated. As Mr Cera said, we still need 2 years or so of technique and breathing exercises before we're even close to ready for this music. Yet we play it because we are arrogant modern oboists who won't be happy playing do-me-so-me-do over and over again. Because we've past that, we've done it and are done with it...
...except that I didn't. Part of what's been so interesting about this experience is that it's exactly the same way I was introduced to the modern oboe - here's some rudimentary ideas on how to play it and a fingering chart, now go play with an university level ensemble.
Now that I've made it through that disgusting experience, I think it's time to do those exercises, to really take the time to get to know my instrument inside and out. I've got the time now, and nothing will be gained by half assedly learning solos and excerpts if the real technique isn't there behind it.
Another thing I've been thinking about is how much I let stress from money destroy my productivity. I am going to get a job that will pay my rent and allow me to eat. Yes, I'm going to try to get a teaching job first, but in this case, the money matters more. I need to not worry about where rent is going to come from if I want to be able to be focussed enough to actually get to a professional level.
I believe part of my problem, when it comes to relating to people, is my tendency to worry over others' feelings more than my own. I feel they might not want me to talk to them so I don't. Yes, that one is silly, yes, I do it all the time. There are many other times where this gets to be a problem too, as I'm sure is obvious. I also have a disturbing tendency to project my feelings onto other people, not allowing them a chance to perhaps communicate their own feelings.
Maybe if I stopped obsessing over how I'm affecting everybody I might actually have a chance to meet these people? Ha. And here's where I'm thinking god I hate my mind
The problem (with all this) is that I'd decided some time ago that I needed to enjoy the journey. If I decide to allow myself to hate myself if I can't play up to the perfection that I need to in order to be a professional I may have trouble ever stopping hating myself even when I do get a job. It might be as second oboe, or it might not be in the symphony of my choice, or I might not play the solo exactly the way I wanted it to go.
No, there's no black and white answer. it's a blend...it's just going to have to become a lot more focussed, I'm not going to hate myself (too much) and I'm going to have fun (or something approximating fun, anyways).
