Random Thoughts

Remembering the rhythm of land is difficult.

Posted by Beth at 11:09 PM | Permalink

Originally uploaded by okta'lonli

I really wouldn't mind settling back into a strong pair of arms right about now. Yeah. One of these days I'll find someone who's nasty enough for me not to dismiss, sweet enough to take care of me and crazy enough not to disappear. yep. Everything. I want it all.

Posted by Beth at 12:17 AM | Permalink

Originally uploaded by
~FreeBirD~.

Less fucking apologetic. Lately, that is. Less sympathetic, less caring, less nice and as much as you might bitch and complain I can't see how it's a bad thing. I want to be done with this scraping and clawing. Fuck. That. Just because I don't hesitate to stand up for myself doesn't mean I want to have to fight every time I come into work!

At least it's raining. My headache is threatening to explode and the rain is good for that for me.

Don't blame me for your fucking failings. Don't lie to my face. Don't cheat me. Don't lie about cheating me. Don't waste my time, and don't attempt to guilt me for any of the above. These things, for the record, are completely unacceptable and exempt you from my natural desire to be kind and loyal.

When I say I'm not careful around people I don't mean I'm oblivious or purposefully cruel. I'm ok with following a fair number of unspoken rules - and I know when and how I break the ones I do. If you don't know what I mean go listen to some Bach or maybe Stravinsky. Not that I'd claim to have a full knowledge of these things - how could I? How could anyone? I've only got one fucking life, give me a break. I'll learn as much as I can and if you aren't doing the same then you shouldn't complain when you fall flat on your face when you try to change keys.

I haven't been this mad in a very, very long time.

Posted by Beth at 12:31 AM | Permalink

Originally uploaded
by darkmatter.

Rivers of silence run between us now, and I suppose I'll relax in time, but it still hurts that you could allow such a dichotomy to exist between your sober and intoxicated states - even as common as I'm told it is. I become repetitive in tension, emotions being larger than any other language I posses - I find it hard to express myself in words and harder still to not express myself in words. Hence, of course, silence.

I suppose it's not really such a dichotomy, but it feels like it from my perspective even when I can see that it's not.

I've been really happy lately, running from rehearsal to rehearsal to concert and practicing like a mad thing, but it doesn't really make for much of a conversation. Mono-focus can be good, but I need a break before I start back into it again - sailing will provide that for sure!

Catfish was amazing - thoroughly the best Catfish so far; I enjoyed every band, and managed to socialize with people and enjoy myself (even though I really, really wanted to play). We even managed to pay for the venue and have enough for next year (again). Amusingly enough, I was chatting with a trombone player in white rock and he commented that I should keep the catfish gig. heh. perhaps he was right.

It has been foretold that when I get an actual orchestra job I'll probably still be in pretty much the same place financially, and the only difference is that I will have more oboes and more teapots.

It's highly unlikely, but still quite amusing.

Posted by Beth at 8:07 PM | Permalink