ever forward
Originally Uploaded by nicesmooth
Holy crap this is hard. Not just the music, either. I feel like I'm pulling myself up a cliff with bloodied fingers.
I have to remember that, as much as some people would love to push me down, others are actually pointing out handholds. It's just so hard to tell sometimes, and I'm aggressively defensive a lot of the time.
I'm not there yet. I keep feeling that, grinding against me as I throw myself into practicing more than I've ever practiced before. This music is hard, and hard to read, and I'm not the only one struggling, but I think the struggling is making me more furious than it is anyone else. Or I could just be focusing inwards and not noticing, but whatever.
I'm not satisfied with anything right now. Everything needs to be better. Everything is warped and uneven and far from perfect. I suppose I'm at the bottom of the next learning curve. Hasn't been this intense in a while.
I have a dress rehearsal tomorrow. Dear gods. and the shows start friday and don't stop till June 6th.
I miss the superego.
Dante tries to keep me in line, but the fact is that feline etiquette is sometimes inappropriate for human interaction. Also: I don't have claws, which comes up in some of his instructions. I'm afraid the Ego is taking control and my id has all but disappeared. Strange times.