speech? I had that once
AAArgh. I am not doing well right now. I am doing well, but not really doing well. Everything is getting accomplished but I feel like shit. Yes it's passing, no I don't care. Fuck. I hate being the weak one. I hate losing. I hate rejection. fucking hell. And I'm not as worked up as I sound, just really not feeling cheerful. At all.
Most of the time I can totally deal with being myself, with being ridiculous and off the wall and generally just odd. But damn, sometimes it'd be so fucking nice to be normal. I try so fucking hard to be normal, even within the the abstract musicians' concept of normal. I just never quite click, though. I hate having to work to temper it. I hate caring if other people notice.
I was so unable to interact today. To the point where I'd try to say something and then have to stop, pause and start over. I haven't been this bad in a while. It only happens when I care about another person's perception of me and am fighting not to cave into their personal...I don't know, sphere of influence.
I'm also just really not doing well today. Weirdness passes, but it's so frustrating to have to not say anything about it when it happens. I want to spill out everything like a pile of rotten guts, but I can't given the situation and then I can't see how I can be friends with someone I can't really talk to. fuck. I really do hate this. Hopefully it will go away. Soon. Sooner would be better.
I practiced tonight though, damn the fucking brain tricks, I won't let myself fall into depressed uselessness. I'll be productive, and feel horrible, and not fucking care, because I want to be able to say yeah, I fucking play the oboe for a living, bitch, so fuck off and let me be completely crazy.
I also need to make more money. Fuck I hate not having enough money to live the way I want to live. I'm spoiled, yes, but I'll work for it. I really need to make more money. Shit.